Maybe She Isn't Evil

[RDS]

I figured I need to start a new thread with a different title as the other title seems a bit harsh now. Think this is my 4th thread here.

The last page to my most recent thread.

Reader’s Digest – Married for 32 years and had a great marriage until W put us in deep debt. I got angry and couldn’t get over it and held a lot of resentment towards my wife for years until she couldn’t take it anymore and walked out. It opened my eyes how badly I was treating her and I realized how deeply I was in love with her and like most LBS I vowed to change myself for the better. About a month ago we had a spousal support hearing and I got slammed by the judge. My W used a lot of my DB techniques against me in her affidavit. I highly doubt the judge used any for her judgement. I was emotionally crushed by what my W did but after talking with her I understood she was following her attorney’s instructions. I have forgiven my wife.

[RDS]

Basically my W and I are in a kind of friendship limbo. I had my last of 6 DB coaching sessions Saturday and my coach said I was doing all the right things. As I’ve mentioned numerous times we now talk frequently (3-4 times a week) for hours at a time. My coach did tell me I had to be prepared for a sudden 180 from my W as her emotions will probably change and her thoughts get conflicted. She may become angry and lash out. My coach told me not to question her change of emotions, such as me asking her why she is so angry and asking what I did wrong to upset her. I had to promise my coach I wouldn’t do that. I know it’s easier said than done. Right now we have a good thing going communication-wise so if/when she changes her tune I am prepared.

There is still no talk of R. My coach said not to broach the subject unless my W brings it up, which I plan to do. I don’t want to scare my W off. I guess a journey of a 1000 miles starts with 1 step.

My W did finally walk through the house a week or so ago to see all the work I’ve done getting it ready to sell. It was the first time since the BD date she had been in the house. That is nearly 5 months ago. She told me repeatedly I have done a good job and it was obvious I had put in a lot of work getting the house ready.

My neighbor who was more friends with my W than me talked with me yesterday. Originally we discussed the approaching hurricane as everyone is panicking around here. But eventually we started talking about my W and me. My neighbor is really hoping we get back together. She has told my W I am remorseful and although I’m living my life as normal as possible she can tell I have some sadness in my life. My neighbor did ask me if it was okay for me to say stuff like that and I told her it was fine as long as she let my W know I have no part of what she is telling my W. She assured me she has told my W I am not asking her to say those things and I don’t have any knowledge of her doing so. My neighbor did say my W has noticed the changes in me but she is so afraid to trust me. I replied I don’t blame her. If I was in her shoes I would be the same way. I would find it incredible hard to trust someone in such a short time considering it was years in the making for her to make the decision to leave me.

[ForGump]

Wow ... it seems now you're taking all the responsibility for the divorce. It's kind of a ... 180! What exactly made you change your views?

[RDS]

ForGump, I changed my views after my first meaningful conversation with my W after 2 months of nearly complete darkness. I had been DB'ing and trying to detach as best I could and I had already had a DB coach session so I was on a better path to repair myself. During the 3 hours I was on the phone with my W I really discovered just how much pain I had caused her.

In so many ways I associated what she did with our finances with her having an A. It wasn't the same thing, of course, but I did feel betrayed. Sadly, I wanted to hurt her by being cold and condescending towards her, but after learning of the pain I caused her I feel ashamed. My W is a good woman who almost always put me first and the fog of my anger prevented me from seeing it until after she walked out.

The destruction of my M took years to accomplish so I keep telling myself it will take a long time to gain her trust again.

I can say with certainty I will never treat my W the way I treated her the last few years.

[Cherry]

Wow RDS, you sound in a much healthier place since I last saw your thread. Good for you! I can feel the genuine peace coming through your posts!

[ForGump]

Wow.

I wish you the best.

Keep us posted.

[RDS]

Thanks Cherry and ForGump for positive feedback. As you know it does help.

[RDS]

Five months ago today was my BD day. My daughter and I returned from TX after she got her Master’s degree and we walked into a house where a lot of my marital belongings were removed as my W walked out on me. Maybe it’s fitting Hurricane Matthew swung by today to grace us.

I’m sitting in an empty house. I have no power as the hurricane knocked power out for most in the region. It’s an eerie calm and the quiet is only barely interrupted by the faint hum of a generator in the distance. The quiet makes this house even more empty and lonely. It’s also dark with only the dim glow of a candle and my computer screen lighting up the room.

Since my W left me so many things have changed and in numerous ways time has stood still. I still find it hard believing it’s only been five months. It seems much longer. I’m so thankful I live in a state that in many ways is backwards but the laws are still steered towards keeping a marriage together as you have to be separated for a year before a divorce can happen. I used to think the law was stupid making couples wait a year to get divorced. I figured if one spouse wanted a divorce then there was nothing the state could do to prevent that. Of course, I never thought I would be the one thankful for the year. I read almost all the posts on this message board and I’m shocked at how quickly divorce can happen. It’s as if the law has deemed trying to reconcile a waste of time. One spouse isn’t happy, file for divorce, and bam, you’re divorced. My W may still divorce me even after the year but at least I know I will have some time on my side to at least try.

I also wonder what an “amicable” divorce really means. How often when you hear people getting divorced is it really amicable? I’m sure if my W and I do get a divorce it will be considered amicable because I don’t think there will be any viciousness involved, but IMO, the divorce won’t be harmonious.

Didn’t mean to ramble. I guess when the house is dark thoughts creep into your head. My W did call. We only spoke a few minutes. She has a downed power line across her car so she is stuck where she is at unless one of her friends come by and pick her up. I do feel bad for her, but part of me thinks it’s funny.

Well, it’s time to put my grill out and start cooking some stuff that is thawing in the freezer. I will be cooking by flashlight.

[ForGump]

RDS-- at this point... now that you've owned up to so much ... what keeps your W from even wanting to try to talk to you about the R? Could you please summarize...

[RDS]

RDS-- at this point... now that you've owned up to so much ... what keeps your W from even wanting to try to talk to you about the R? Could you please summarize...

If I had to guess why she hasn't wanted to talk about the R is:

Fear-Trust-Enjoying single life.

Fear and trust go hand in hand. I'm thinking she is scared to even think about getting back with me because it had taken years for her to finally break down. She knows me better than anyone and I don't think she thinks she can trust me because in her eyes I've only been the "good" guy for a few months. I was the bad guy for years. I can honestly say I truly believe I can stay being the better man I've become than what I was. I look at life through a whole new way and I'm seeing my W in a positive way I don't think I've seen...since forever.

I also have to think she may be enjoying the single life. She isn't dating or anything like that, but for the first time in her life she if on her own. We started living together when she was 18 and we married when she was 19. She moved from her parents to me. She has never really been on her own. Even when I frequently deployed or was stationed in Korea a year she still had our daughter to care for so she couldn't do as she pleased. Now she can do pretty much what she wants and with me paying her a large sum monthly it makes it even better for her.

I know she still loves me because she does things for me that a normal WAW wouldn't do (AFAIK), but I don't know if it's still ILYBNILWY.

It's funny, but the day before my W left me if anyone asked me about my feelings towards my W I would probably say ILYBNILWY about her. Now I've done a complete 180 towards her. I realize I love her deeply and I can't imagine thinking otherwise.