Old thread above. If you really have some time to kill, you can trace back all 20 threads so far!
So, I went away last weekend and saw some old friends. First time I'd seen them since BD. Obviously, you get a lot of conflicting advice. One or two things keep cropping up though - the planting of the seed that I'm not 'available' anymore. A number of people have told me I should maybe 'date' a couple of times and that'll get her running back. My friends don't know I'm doing BD, so maybe that's to be expected, but I just wonder what other, more seasoned observers think?
I don't want to date, but should I tell some 'white lies' to maybe get this stuck position, unstuck?
Since I came back, W brought the kids over Tuesday and is always more reserved when SD is here. She tends to be more aggressive and cold. I don't get it at all. Then, out of the blue tonight, she calls to talk to me about the kids being off school and if I can have them additional days, as she has hairdressing clients to book in, as on the second week, she's off to visit her parents. Reasonable conversation I hear you say, but she's bringing the kids over in less than 24 hours, so surely it could wait until then? I'm confused. Again, W was incredibly nice on the phone, but my BD mind tells me this is probably crumbs.
I know it's a marathon etc., but I feel like I'm running several, all at once! Autumn is here now in the UK, and this week, the weather has turned distinctly cold and windy. I had hoped to not be in this situation so long, and I'll admit dear readers, I'm tired and can't think of ways, that haven't already been suggested to me, to jog things on a bit.
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
Hi Huddy, remember there is no magic bullet here. We don't get to do this and make them do that. I wouldn't go down the white lies route or consider dating. However, I would work towards a full and happy life for you - living 'as if' she were gone & weren't coming back. If that we're the case, would she be such a central focus for you? You still have a hold of that rope and want to give it a tug I think...😊
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I don't know if I would lie about dating or not, but I do make jokes about finding a lover just to keep my friends from offering advice on me dating etc. I think DBing is a solo exercise and one that most people don't get. I spent weeks in the summer trying to explain to my friends back home the situation and I could see in their eyes they thought me crazy to be trying or delusional to think there is a chance. Do what makes YOU happy, your life is nobody else's business
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
Yes, I know it's a solo project, but, I'm running out of things to say to people who think I should be 'out and about', and, as you say Esame, they all think I'm barmy to wait.
Kids coming this weekend, so, I've got that to look forward to.
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
I am sorry you are stuck. Or that you are feeling stuck. I doubt there is much you can do to unstick your situation, at least not in the wayyou want.
Some tougher stance people will advise to start divorce proceedings or moving towards other Rs will jilt WAS into deciding to come back. I believe this can work BUT I imagine only if the WAS is in the right place at that time. Otherwise they don't really care. This is why I think such actions should not be taken with the sole intent to trigger a desirable action in W.
Your wife's journey could finish next week just as easily as next year. You have no idea how she will think then. Your best chance remains becoming the best happiest huddy possible. Plus that is win win regardless of her.
You have survived eight months of in house separation. That was tough but not only did you survive, you grew enormously in that time. I am sure, hat time posted little seeds of doubt in your Ws mind. Those seeds could be growing slowly but steadily.You have no way of knowing as she will keep it to herself until she is sure.
That reminds me of Chinese bamboo, something SH mentioned recently.it's seeds stay 5 years in the soil and it is only in its fifth year that it breaks the soil. That year it will grow 30m. Patience.
Your friends mean well, but only you walk in your shoes. And only you have to live with any decisions taken. I think it would be wrong to let them believe you are waiting for W. It could get back to her. Plus you need to live AS IF you are not waiting for her, AS IF she is never coming back. That seems to be an important ingredient to many reconciled couples.
I wish I could tell you how to do this. But I know you can.
Best wishes and enjoy your weekend.
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
Yes, I know it's a solo project, but, I'm running out of things to say to people who think I should be 'out and about', and, as you say Esame, they all think I'm barmy to wait.
Kids coming this weekend, so, I've got that to look forward to.
Huddy - I feel your pain even though I'm not as far down the path as you. I think you could probably honestly tell people that you're "not ready".
I tend to agree with the other posters as well that trying to stir the pot (which I'm guilty of too) or of creating some sort of shock that you can't predict the outcome of may well backfire. On the other hand you can't predict the outcome of your current actions either. It's a tough road to walk.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Yes, I feel a physical pain sometimes. Like a dull ache in my left hand chest cavity. I just feel like this is never ending. 18 months and I don't feel that anything is moving on.
Anyway, in a 'you couldn't make it up' moment today, my nephew who I haven't spoken to in 15 years, showed up at my workplace. Not wanting to dredge up a story, but we lost contact when my mum died and my three sisters engineered a solution to deny me of any inheritance. Today he appeared and said that 'God had shown me the way'. Now, I'm not religious at all, but if that's his belief, then who am I to argue. Unfortunately we couldn't chat long as I was off for my train to pick up the kids. He told me that he always thought of me as 'his father figure' as he has never met his biological father. An unbelieveable situation. I've agreed to meet him on Sunday, when the kids have gone.
In other news, W arrived with the kids and she has started to wear some items of jewellery that I bought her or had repaired for her. She was wearing her Aunt's ring that had lost some stones, which I had repaired as part of her 50th birthday and a black rose stone ring that I bought her the previous Christmas. She saw me notice the rings, so she hid them in her coat pocket. She was wearing them on the middle finger of her ring hand. I haven't seen her wear those rings since BD, especially the rose one, as she seemed to have problems with the metal elements.
Bit of a blistering end to the afternoon and not exactly what I thought the day was going to be like.
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
Huddy, I'm really pleased to hear that your nephew reached out to you and I hope your meeting on Sunday goes well. I'm so sorry to hear about what happened within your family. So do you not have any contact with any of your sisters then?
As for your W, please remember to release rather than hold on. I worry that you scrutinise her for little 'signs' and then you post here....who knows what they may mean? After we D'd, I had my engagement ring resized to wear on my right hand. Really, just because it's an expensive ring and I like to wear it - not because I'm keen to retain a link with XH. Point I'm making is that ruminating on stuff like that is a cheeseless tunnel which keeps us a little stuck and attached I think.
I still feel that you watch, wait, feel frustrated and in pain and I would love to see you release that and move forward with your own plans. lose any feeling of waiting (standing is different to waiting) and live your life 'as if.' I'm not advocating dating (or D'ing) at all and I will never do so for anyone who is M - but in every way apart from that - live as though she won't return..I don't believe that would harm your sitch and it may do you a lot of good.
As you say it is 18 months now. Don't feel frustrated that nothing is moving on. Don't look to someone else to move on and feel frustrated. Do what you need to move yourself forward.
Have a good weekend xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I have no contact with my three sisters at all, and that's just how I want it. My Mum was very ill, and after my Dad died, I had taken on and paid my Mum's mortgage and Council Tax, so that she could live in the house until she died. In return, she wrote a will that gave me the house. I had explained to my sisters that I didn't want the house, and would 'divvy' up the money when it sold, as I felt that was fair. Unfortunately, as my Mum declined, they asked to see the will, which I gave them (they were my family) and managed to get her to change it in to their favour. Whilst I could have persued through the courts (my Mum wasn't of sound mind in the end) it would have cost thousands and I had no guarantee of winning. Pure avarice and greed - I'll have no truck with that.
To me, being part of my kids life is very important to me, so, that's a happy life for me. Not being able to do that means I have to wait. I don't sit there waiting for W to call,but you have to wonder when this will end.
So, W coming over today to pick D up to take her to a birthday party,so me and S are going out and I plan to meet my nephew tomorrow.
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
