Like others already advised, I would avoid the temptation to articulate reasons, hopes, etc. Just say this is what you want. I mean, she's having an affair. I don't think you have to explain anything to anybody.
I can't remember -- have you seen a lawyer already? What does s/he advise -- is it legally prudent to split your finances at this point, and is there an efficient way to do it?
One way to think about it might be this: let's say you're the one having an affair, and out shopping for an apartment. Would you feel wronged if your W wanted to separate finances? Would you demand an explanation?
Me: 50, MLC/WW 45 Young kids Nov 2015: BD1 Apr 2016: BD2 Jan 2017: W filed Feb 2017: D final
Well, unfortunately we had the conversation before I had a chance to read the responses and I gave into my emotions and mentioned the OM. It went from her saying "I went into this thinking it was temporary and that we were going to work on this together...to now I don't know if I want this to be temporary...maybe I will need to sign a 12 month lease instead of a 6 month lease so that I can completely support myself by myself." I really messed this one up
I was so heartbroken to think that just the mentioning of his name possibly changed our course so much. So now I have to wait on her decision which should come within the next couple hours as she goes back to submit her application and sign a lease int just a couple hours. Then she leaves for a hiking trip with her sister.
Part of this mess up was that I asked if she planned to continue the relationship with OM and she said "in some capacity, yes". But in that same breath she also mentioned that he wasn't interested in her "like that" especially after my blow up when I found her at his house. I found this hard to believe since the texting has continued and the LATE night texting has actually gotten more frequent.
Also, she has been keeping a log of her "triggers" to talk with her IC about...1 of them really surprised me. It is when I mention myself as her husband or her as my wife. She said it feels like I am just digging the knife in and twisting it...same as when I mention his name.
Like others already advised, I would avoid the temptation to articulate reasons, hopes, etc. Just say this is what you want. I mean, she's having an affair. I don't think you have to explain anything to anybody.
I can't remember -- have you seen a lawyer already? What does s/he advise -- is it legally prudent to split your finances at this point, and is there an efficient way to do it?
One way to think about it might be this: let's say you're the one having an affair, and out shopping for an apartment. Would you feel wronged if your W wanted to separate finances? Would you demand an explanation?
Yes I have seen a lawyer and she did strongly advise that we separate finances legally if we are going to separate finances. This is to protect each other from one of us racking up any debt, or impacting each others credit scores/reports.
As to your other questions: If I were the one having the affair, I am really not sure how I would respond regarding finances. I think the problem is that she is in denial about the affair, even though she has "kinda" admitted it. So her stated reasoning for getting the apartment is to decide what she wants in life and to decide if that is me...however, my gut tells me this is only a partial truth.
Also disheartening: She listed me as the emergency contact on the apartment application but left the "relationship to this person" spot blank. What in the heck is wrong with her!!!!!!!
Yes I have seen a lawyer and she did strongly advise that we separate finances legally if we are going to separate finances. This is to protect each other from one of us racking up any debt, or impacting each others credit scores/reports.
So you understand why this advice has been given to you from the get go... What are you going to do?
Originally Posted By: lostasf
As to your other questions: If I were the one having the affair, I am really not sure how I would respond regarding finances. I think the problem is that she is in denial about the affair, even though she has "kinda" admitted it. So her stated reasoning for getting the apartment is to decide what she wants in life and to decide if that is me...however, my gut tells me this is only a partial truth.
So you are a mind reader now? You think the problem is she is in denial? Why not focus on your denial of what needs to be done...because you think that everything you do has something to do with the outcomes you want... You are trusting your gut right now...? In the past week, your gut has lead you to challenge the good advice from those that have traveled this path...your gut has led you to have the conversation with you W about finances and doing what you felt was right instead of what you were advised to do...
Originally Posted By: lostasf
Also disheartening: She listed me as the emergency contact on the apartment application but left the "relationship to this person" spot blank. What in the heck is wrong with her!!!!!!!
Really!? You are worried about what is wrong with her? You are worried about how she list something on an application?
lostasf... Have you read the homework cadet gave you? DB/DR? Brother you have the road map and survival kit in your backpack here...
Why are you trying to walk out of the forest after identifying that you are lost as f*** without referring to your survival gear?
Something tells me you have never been camping in the woods, so you don't know what to do to survive, or get un-lost... Why are you continuing to take actions that are instinct...while getting more lost in the foggy woods?
STOP!!
Sit still... Open up your survival pack... study the instruction manual... the map...
The first step of survival is to meet the basic needs of survival...
Your emotional survival is the same...
Sit still, and look at your resources...
I know that up looks like down... the pain feels debilitating.... Confusion of having to make decisions we are not prepared for is confusing...
But you need to listen up here if you are going to progress and get yourself together.. Many are supporting you, but you need your biggest supporter in your corner now...
YOU.
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
Part of this mess up was that I asked if she planned to continue the relationship with OM
Are you blaming yourself b/c you wanted to know if your W had intentions to continue being unfaithful? Look, she brought all this about when she got involved with another man. She doesn't want you mentioning him or asking what she plans to do, b/c she wants to keep you on the back burner.
Quote:
Also, she has been keeping a log of her "triggers" to talk with her IC about...1 of them really surprised me. It is when I mention myself as her husband or her as my wife. She said it feels like I am just digging the knife in and twisting it...same as when I mention his name.
That's the mindset of a wayward. She does not want to be referred to as your W, or for you to remind her you are still her H. The WW divorces her H, emotionally, and then acts it out. It's part of the fantasy of being with OM. Not all, but a lot of WW's will stop undressing in front of the H, won't let him see her getting out of a shower, etc...........as if they are not M. It is her way of being "faithful" to the OM.
How do you know about her log for the IC? If she revealed it, then she's using this method to control you. Look, she knows you better than anyone, and she knows how to work you. She knows you are anxious about where she stands with the M, so she holds it over your head. As if, "Don't you dare call me your W or I'll tell my IC". So what if it triggers her? Triggers her to do what, exactly? Get mad at you? That's nothing new.
Some WW's act like spoiled brats, who throw tantrums and manipulate their H to get what they want. Based on the stories recorded on the DB forum, most WW's are M to men who have the nice guy syndrome. If you don't know what that is, research it.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
