To be honest I thought we were going into this as a temporary kind of reset as she had originally indicated that she would be discontinuing the relationship with OM, so we hadn't planned to separate finances at all. Now that she has stated that she will not give up relationship with OM, we kinda went back in the whole process to where we don't know what we will do.
You are right...I am in some form of denial as well. As for having the financial discussion, it was inevitable. It HAD to be discussed as we have no separate finances currently. I completely admit that I made a mistake in trusting my gut on this one...
I have read all of the material. I am just struggling with implementation obviously. Honestly I don't feel that I've progressed at all at this point which is really sad considering the amount of time it has already been.
Sandi, Yes I am blaming myself because this is specifically against your rules!
Yes she has already started the whole not letting me see her naked thing. She actually even admitted to me that she feels uncomfortable being naked around me now.
She did reveal it to me. Once she told me what it was, I asked what was on the list so far...at first she didn't want to tell me so I told her that I understand, and it's no problem. A few minutes later she told me.
To be honest I thought we were going into this as a temporary kind of reset as she had originally indicated that she would be discontinuing the relationship with OM, so we hadn't planned to separate finances at all. Now that she has stated that she will not give up relationship with OM, we kinda went back in the whole process to where we don't know what we will do.
cadets 1st post to all has this at the end of the homework links..
Quote:
Your H or W is giving you a GIFT. THE GIFT OF TIME. USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
Now is the time to understand the simple information provided you... There is no need to have to interpret to apply this... Simply imprint it into your mind and it will aid you when making any of the decisions that you will be faced with...
Originally Posted By: lostasf
you are right...I am in some form of denial as well. As for having the financial discussion, it was inevitable. It HAD to be discussed as we have no separate finances currently. I completely admit that I made a mistake in trusting my gut on this one...
Admitting and acknowledging this is a good first step... Now lets see you act on this new realization for you my friend. Yes, the finances had to be discussed...you were advised of this at the beginning. You recognize the errors in the approach...you can't change that, but you can learn from it moving forward.
Originally Posted By: lostasf
have read all of the material. I am just struggling with implementation obviously.
Read it again.. and again... and again...
Implementation is a challenge for all...it is counterintuitive...but you can slow down...take your time... there is no reason that conversations or decisions have to be made immediately...get the needed guidance and practice prior to doing things...
Originally Posted By: lostasf
I don't feel that I've progressed at all at this point which is really sad considering the amount of time it has already been.
Progress is slow in the beginning... My friend, the amount of time may feel like an eternity, but trust me...you have time...plenty of time...Remember, Rome was not built in a day.
Quote:
Your H or W is giving you a GIFT. THE GIFT OF TIME. USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
Now I encourage you to take a breath today... Go do something for yourself... It does not have to be a big thing, But do something that can take your focus away from this all or a moment... Your mind needs the break to refresh. You need a few minutes of calm. Understanding and implementation can come easier if you will take heed and GAL.
You have many supporting you. Take advantage. Breath meditate. Heal
Calm and peace to you this day my friend. You can and will get through this if you put in the focus and effort.
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
What you said to your W did not cause her to make any big decisions -- she did that all by herself, and likely had already made up her mind.
Hang in there, keep looking for yourself in all of this. Don't think about what would make your W happy. Think about what kind of a person your W would *respect*. More importantly, think about what kind of a person YOU would respect.
Sometimes -- well, most of the time, for most of us -- nothing helps but time. Just hang in there, you'll make it, sooner or later. Keep coming back here.
Hang tough.
Me: 50, MLC/WW 45 Young kids Nov 2015: BD1 Apr 2016: BD2 Jan 2017: W filed Feb 2017: D final
So, W went to the mountains to go hiking with her sister today. Well OM's house is on the way to where she was going so guess where she stopped! Really frustrates me! But I didn't and won't say a darn thing to her. It's eating me up inside and I'm trying to let it go but man it hurts to continuously be betrayed and lied to. Anyway, I went and shot pool for an hour with a guy from work and now I am going to dinner with my neighbors so hopefully they can take my mind off of all of this.
Good that you went out and GAL this evening. Get some rest and then journal some in the morning... As part of your journaling share some thoughts of insight to what you picked up or learned from the homework or DR/DB.
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
So, helped some friends move into an apartment and hung out with them all day which was really nice. Came home and laid down and immediately started thinking about everything again. God these darn mind movies....they are the worst!
Anyway, W should come back from mountains today and I'm sure she will stop at OM's house along the way but there's nothing I can do about that.
She has to go sign the lease today or tomorrow as she finally got an agreement for a 6 month lease at an apartment. So, I suppose we will HAVE to talk about the separation of finances today. I expect that this will likely be the end to her as that is what she has stated in the past. I plan to preface the conversation with "I am not asking for a divorce with the statements that I am about to make. I am still here and willing to work on this relationship, but since you are deciding on separation this next topic must be discussed." I suppose at that point I am going to tell her that I would like for us to meet with an attorney together to decide how to do the actual separation of the finances. I also will be sure to tell her that if at any point we change our minds it will be very easy to combine our finances again.
Don't bring up Divorce, just stick to what it is you want to discuss. If she mentions Divorce, just simply say it's not what I want at this time, but if that's what you want I won't stand in your way. Do not talk about the relationship, don't talk about anything other than separating finances since you will be living apart.
Look man, you need to stop telling her everything your feeling and thinking, she doesn't care and she will only use the information you give her against you. Just tell her I want to sort out separating or finances since we will be living separate, and here is what I would like to do. Have it all planned out on paper and present it to her, tell her to look it over and get back to you with her thoughts. Do not drag out the conversation, just stick to the facts.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
Anyway, I went and shot pool for an hour with a guy from work and now I am going to dinner with my neighbors so hopefully they can take my mind off of all of this.