In the same boat Tyler... Kind of similar time lines for us as well. It is a funny dance this distanced pursuer relationship. What's done is done. Now sit back, enjoy life and let her pursue. I think what you do now is observe how she reacts.
tyler12 - I do confess that I've just stumbled along your thread and haven't read back beyond the current thread to know the back-story.
One of the things that struck me as I was doing my dishes is how caught up we here on this forum can get with with GAL / detach / going dark etc to the point that we forget one of the most important (to me) "rules" that MWD has written. Do what works. Now sandi2 who I have immense respect for and who likely knows your sitch better than anyone posted an unusual one sentence response which from her is like a major whack with a 2X4 so stepping back and getting some perspective is a good thing.
So - what's actually happened? You were nice to your W and there was some "mucho smoochas" (Calvin and Hobbes tribute) that happened. Was that an initial response you wanted even if it was unexpected? Probably. However if the secondary response is that she pulls away then probably not. If your recent posts are any indication she's certainly seeming to "want" to reconnect with you.
Even though OM is still very much in the picture, after all they're living together you may be on the beginning of a beginning especially of prior posts from this thread are any indication.
Originally Posted By: Tyler12
So my plan moving forward is to be light and breezy, non pursuing and pleasant to talk to. She was able to see what she left behind by being here. And it may have got her mind spinning instead f mine for once
Personally I think you're doing great and wish you all the best. Keep feeling positive but be prepared for any shocks and keep posting. You've been doing what works
Originally Posted By: Tyler12
I was a bit upset by your comment Sandi as it made me feel like a failure, like I had wasted all I have done. I very much respect your perspective and advice so it was a slap and I got defensive. Now after some time I see what you mean tho. That Sunday was potentially a step back and if I don't catch it I could spiral back to the beginning.
Of all the people that I wouldn't try to mind-read - sandi2 is one of them.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Thank you all for our responses. They all helped me step back and see I am being too available it seems. Yes this may have worked for the positive. I can't just be there for her whenever she chooses tho.
The comments also made me realize I need to do a quick update and clarification maybe. So I'll write that out next post
The person that you will spend the most time with in your life is yourself, so make yourself as interesting as possible.
Last October bday. Find out potential affair shortly after by snooping. She stayed in house until Jan 16 when she moved to OM town.
After 5-6 months moved in with OM.
During the whole time she was very venomous and talks of D.
In late July or August there was a shift. Where she started being nicer yet still D talks. And there was one day we talked a lot and she said she missed that and asked R questions of me. Any niceness was quickly followed by total silence.
2 weeks ago she called crying asking me to come get the boys because she had been in another fight with OM and apparently on several occasions he was physically abusive and now I understand verbally abusive and controlling. The last straw was him picking up the boys from day care after drinking. The danger he put them in was her last straw she said.
So after that she asked to come visit the boys. She came Saturday. That night she said it was weird but thanks for allowing her to come. Sunday was muchos smoochos day. And I was told she had a resurfacing of feelings she thought dead as soon as she saw the boys and I playing and it escalated to her telling me Sunday night her shirt smelled like me and she liked it.
So that takes me to today. As of now she is not with OM yet still living at his house while she looks for her own place. She has been friendly and chatty with me when she talks to the boys on the phone as well.
So that leaves me being confused because from what I know she said she will never move back to this town and knows I cannot move away for awhile.
She also said she would never step foot here again and we are totally done too. Which hasn't totally remained true as she was here and "had feelings".
The person that you will spend the most time with in your life is yourself, so make yourself as interesting as possible.
I want to tell you that I know it feels good to have her run to you like a knight in shining armor. I know it feels good to feel wanted and needed.
what doesn't feel good, though, is feeling used. And that is what will happen if you don't watch yourself and let her hop-scotch in and out of your life.
You deserve better than to be treated that way and I know you know that. If she wants this, she needs to put in the effort and make this work full-stop.
I understand your apprehension and concern about what happened Sandi. I don't see this as a R attempt in any way. Life will continue as usual, I'm see myself as the prize.
Tyler, I think my choice of words (toast) is what upset you. I did not mean you are a failure! You have no idea how many guys have said practically the same thing as you were saying about their WW's. Then all she had to do was give him a kiss.........and he would immediately think it meant something other than what it really was. He would be riding a high, just like you've experienced. But at that moment, he would be so hungry for her touch or affection.........he would cave. By saying you were toast, I meant that in the moment, you were ready to have sex or just about anything........b/c she held you in the palm of her hand. She was the one in charge of your high feelings........and it caused temporary imbalance in your thought process.
I fully agree that it was not a R attempt. But, do you know what it was? She was checking your emotional temperature to see if you were still attached to her. She just left one R and wants to see if you are still the backup plan. That's all the kiss was about. At least, on her end. As long as she sees you waiting for her, the less she will be interested in reconciling out of her feelings of love. She may R out of a need for a place to live........but that doesn't work in favor of the H. All he has is a WW under the same roof. That's why I try to tell you to hold out and not take her back too quickly or too easily.
Now she may tell you that she wanted to see if she could feel something when she was kissing you. And, depending on what she wants at the time being.......she may say that the feelings were not there, and she's afraid they won't return.........and use it for an excuse to not commit to being your W again. On the other hand, she could tell you that it caused her to start thinking about returning.........if she's wanting to move back home.
If she goes with the later, I strongly encourage you to be prepared with an answer like, "I will need to think about it". Or, be ready to give her your conditions in reconciling the MR. For example:
Sleep in the same bed (no sex until she has STD test results). Zero contact of any type with OM, or anything that has a connection with OM......for life! Complete transparency with phone messages and all accounts. Drop Facebook ( and other social media, apps, etc.) that have shared friends of OM. Discontinue any affair-friendly apps. Drop affair supportive friends, or bash M/H. Commit to family therapy, and M therapy that deals with R after an affair.
That's a few things to consider. You may want to add something. If she is not willing to commit, or if she starts saying things about privacy, or wanting to start out in separate bedrooms, etc., then she's not ready to truly R. If she is not willing to do these things, then don't take her back. BTW, transparency is set on your terms, not hers. In fact, all these are on your terms. Don't let her con you. These are for her, as much as they are for you. She needs it in order to get through the addiction withdrawals. She needs to take some time to think it over. You both would need some time.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I understand your apprehension and concern about what happened Sandi. I don't see this as a R attempt in any way. Life will continue as usual, I'm see myself as the prize.
Tyler, I think my choice of words (toast) is what upset you. I did not mean you are a failure! You have no idea how many guys have said practically the same thing as you were saying about their WW's. Then all she had to do was give him a kiss.........and he would immediately think it meant something other than what it really was. He would be riding a high, just like you've experienced. But at that moment, he would be so hungry for her touch or affection.........he would cave. By saying you were toast, I meant that in the moment, you were ready to have sex or just about anything........b/c she held you in the palm of her hand. She was the one in charge of your high feelings........and it caused temporary imbalance in your thought process.
I fully agree that it was not a R attempt. But, do you know what it was? She was checking your emotional temperature to see if you were still attached to her. She just left one R and wants to see if you are still the backup plan. That's all the kiss was about. At least, on her end. As long as she sees you waiting for her, the less she will be interested in reconciling out of her feelings of love. She may R out of a need for a place to live........but that doesn't work in favor of the H. All he has is a WW under the same roof. That's why I try to tell you to hold out and not take her back too quickly or too easily.
Now she may tell you that she wanted to see if she could feel something when she was kissing you. And, depending on what she wants at the time being.......she may say that the feelings were not there, and she's afraid they won't return.........and use it for an excuse to not commit to being your W again. On the other hand, she could tell you that it caused her to start thinking about returning.........if she's wanting to move back home.
If she goes with the later, I strongly encourage you to be prepared with an answer like, "I will need to think about it". Or, be ready to give her your conditions in reconciling the MR. For example:
Sleep in the same bed (no sex until she has STD test results). Zero contact of any type with OM, or anything that has a connection with OM......for life! Complete transparency with phone messages and all accounts. Drop Facebook ( and other social media, apps, etc.) that have shared friends of OM. Discontinue any affair-friendly apps. Drop affair supportive friends, or bash M/H. Commit to family therapy, and M therapy that deals with R after an affair.
That's a few things to consider. You may want to add something. If she is not willing to commit, or if she starts saying things about privacy, or wanting to start out in separate bedrooms, etc., then she's not ready to truly R. If she is not willing to do these things, then don't take her back. BTW, transparency is set on your terms, not hers. In fact, all these are on your terms. Don't let her con you. These are for her, as much as they are for you. She needs it in order to get through the addiction withdrawals. She needs to take some time to think it over. You both would need some time.
