Confused on What to Do 2

[Eagle11]

Ct,

Thanks for posting. I always look forward to reading your posts to me. It's a tough situation that we are in and it is at least a little comforting to know I have others with me. This is going to be a long battle no matter what happens and we need all the support we can get.

And to answer your remaining question from my last post to me - my weekend with my son was cathartic, enjoyable, sad, and deepening; he opened up to me in a way that I would not expect a 5 year old capable of. He told me "let's talk" so we did. He said he was sad, that he felt alone, and that he was confused - all due to his mother and I separating, then he asked me if it left "my heart cracked". I could not explain that it did, I could not explain what I did to fill the crack, I could not explain that some of those pieces would remain where they fell, I could not explain how hearts can heal. He is 5 and only by days, I simply told him it is ok for me to feel the way I feel and for him to feel the way he feels, and that it was ok for us to be talking about it. What does one do in the face of that?

My heart aches for you and your son. Our kids are stuck in the middle of all of this and it's not fair to them. That is the hardest part of this for me. I can take this pain, I will figure out a way to get through it, but I don't want my kids to have to endure this.

The thing I regret most about my sitch is when the bomb dropped on 8/8. That was the night I found my W texting the OM1 and I went crazy. I took her phone from her and we got into a loud argument. She chased after me and was punching me because I had her phone, but I wouldn't give it back until I read the texts. Both of my sons saw this. I don't think my S2 knew what was going on but my S6 did. He was crying and was scared. He knows what is going on. Since that night we have not had any discussions about our future in front of him but the damage was done. If he sees us talking now and it looks serious (even if its not) he will often go up to my W and put his hand over her mouth because he thinks we are going to fight. I wish I could have controlled my emotions that night, but I was caught off guard and its something I will always regret. Just typing this out has got me emotional thinking back to that night.

[Ginger1]

Hey Eagle, I know things are a bit rough. I sense so much fear coming from you. A fear that you don't have an identity without her.

I've noticed a theme in your posts. The word "easy" You thought staying at home with the kids would be "easy". It would be "easier" just to get a divorce.

Heck, we all want to try to take the easier route. But as someone who has never known "easy" in her life or has taken the "easier" route, I know true growth and the good things in life comes from not choosing the easier option.

Staying home with your kids: not easy it turns out, however, rewarding. My suggestion is trying to find a balance on things that make you happy. Not your W happy, but you, as an individual.

I feel your identity may have been lost somewhere along the line. Find it. It can be found without destroying the other relationships in your life. Don't worry.

[Drew]

Eagle,

Read Eric's post to you.

Then read it again.

She texted me today and the texts were nice

Of course they are. You're smack dab in the middle of the friend zone.

I just don't understand.

Stop
Trying
To
Figure
Her
Out

You can't. Focus on you. YOU.

And read NMMNG.

[Eagle11]

Eric,

I've read the first 25 page thread you posted on here about your sitch and I've gotten through about 1/2 of the 39 page thread you posted. When I was reading them it was scary how you talk about how you were feeling is so similar to what I am going through now. I can relate to a lot of what you went through. It has also interesting to see how uncertain you were at the time because all the interaction I have had with you is of a confident man who is sure of himself. It is almost like your posts were from a different guy than the one that has been helping me out. Hopefully I can get to the place you are in now.

I hope you realize that this was NOT YOUR fault. Chances are you parents showed you love the only way they knew how to.

Yeah, I am aware of this. They did things that showed me love and were not the loving type. No "I love you" or no hugs or anything like that. I am not saying I needed it all the time, but when I seen other families interact it was definitely different than mine.

You do realize that YOU can change this. Right? Requiring someone else to motivate and encourage you is more of a codependent trait. I am not saying that we all do not appreciate and feel good when someone motivates us – the “require” is the difference. Learning how to be self-motivated would do you good.

This is one of the biggest things I need to work on. I am very aware that I can change, it's just the believing in myself that is the hard part.

What about YOURSELF? Loving your kids at the expense of YOU…is not healthy. It is IMO, another codependent trait.

Another issue I need to work on. I am not sure I love myself or what I have become. I guess when I was younger I had dreams of what life would be like as I got older and this is not it. My lack of self confidence in myself I feel is a contributing factor and something I need to turn around.

Maybe the therapist and I are on to something. Maybe you need to dig a bit deeper here buddy.

I hear what both of you are saying, but right now I have no desire to find out who my father is. Maybe at some point, but right now I don't feel I need or want to. This might surprise some, but he is not someone I think about very often. I'm not afraid to find him, its just I have no desire to find him. Maybe I will feel different in the future and I will address that if the time comes.

Is outward beauty more important to you than inward beauty? Be honest….don’t blow smoke up my arse. Be honest…is a women physical appearance more important than anything else?

No outward beauty is not more important, but when I first met my W that is the thing I noticed. I will be honest, if I didn't find her attractive I probably would not have asked her for a 2nd date. This might make me shallow, but I have never dated a women that I didn't find attractive. Some were more attractive than the others and my W was by far the most attractive woman I have ever been with. I will say my confidence was probably pretty low at the time coming off a divorce. I had dated a couple of other women before meeting my W after the divorce and both were attractive. I remember the first called it off with me because she was afraid that she was a rebound. The 2nd one really liked me from what I could tell, but I wasn't really into her. I remember her coming over to my place the last time I saw her and she made moves that she wanted to sleep with me, but I wasn't interested. I then met my W a couple of weeks later.

YOU seem to always give yourself and excuse. Chit…I think deep down inside, you may not want to be with your W and the only reason you do is because it is easier and allows you to stay home with the kids.

I do make a lot of excuses, I know I do. I can assure you that I want to be with my W and I don't really feel going through all this is easier than getting a divorce. This is lot harder, dealing with all the crap that I have to deal with. The easiest thing would be to get a divorce, tell anyone who wants to know that my W is crazy and she was having multiple affairs. I could also skip out on working on myself instead of taking responsibility. Then find a job and the kids and I go live our lives.

This stuff is hard. Having to look inside myself and all my faults. Having to figure out how I got to this point in life and M. Trying to make a commitment to myself to get into a better place. Doing all of this while having to deal with a wife that has gone crazy is tough. If she hadn't gone crazy, we could sit down and talk about this like 2 adults, but that is not possible with her. Even though I am working on bettering myself for me, there is still that part that wants to get this M back and there is no certainty that will happen no matter what I do.

I guess what I am trying to say is that the easy thing to me would be to not admit my issues and not work on them. That would be the easy thing. I could get divorced and just go live my life the way I have been. That would be much more comfortable than doing what I have been trying to do.

No More Mr. Nice Guy just purchased.
Good – let me know what you think.

The book is supposed to be here Thursday. I will start reading it then.

Gmail
Now look at my tag name…. that is a hint.

Understood

It really a horrible thing that happened to your W. Can you be in a sexless M? I am asking YOU. I want YOUR response…and do not mention your W in the response. I want to know what EAGLE wants.

I honestly don't know that answer. If we would ever attempt to get back together I feel she would need to go to therapy to deal with her issues. Otherwise we would be right back here again. Do I want a sexless M? No. I am just hoping she could find the answers to what she needs to fix this, if it is fixable.

Notice the BUT again…in this case it is being used so that YOU can GET YOUR hopes up high.

My hopes are not high. Trust me on this one. If there are other men involved there is 0% chance for her and I.

Snooping are we? The more YOU look at HER the more YOU avoid looking at yourself.

Yes I snooped. I have gotten better, but when I saw her change the facebook name I began snooping. I know I need to stop and I have gotten better, but its so hard to be stop completely.

So what are you going to do with this FEAR? Face it finally?

I need to face the fear. I need to figure out how I to face it.

I don't want a divorce. Everyday I think about getting a divorce, but I think about a lot of things. I really do love my W, but she does make me angry even though I have told her I am not angry at her. I guess I have told her I wasn't angry at her because I don't understand her emotional state. As I have posted about her, she is crazy. She has a lot of issues from her past that she is dealing with. She is also impulsive and doesn't think things through. That is why I think I fear her. She is just so unpredictable and she has the control. I need to figure out a way to get some control. If I go to her angry right now I honestly don't know what would happen. It might be good or it might be the worst thing I could do.

[Drew]

I need to figure out a way to get some control. If I go to her angry right now I honestly don't know what would happen. It might be good or it might be the worst thing I could do.

Here's an idea: Stop basing your actions on how you THINK she might respond. You have no idea how she will respond. If it's the right thing to do, do it. If it's not, don't.

Your fear is paralyzing you.

[Eagle11]

Hey Eagle, I know things are a bit rough. I sense so much fear coming from you. A fear that you don't have an identity without her.

I've noticed a theme in your posts. The word "easy" You thought staying at home with the kids would be "easy". It would be "easier" just to get a divorce.

Heck, we all want to try to take the easier route. But as someone who has never known "easy" in her life or has taken the "easier" route, I know true growth and the good things in life comes from not choosing the easier option.

Staying home with your kids: not easy it turns out, however, rewarding. My suggestion is trying to find a balance on things that make you happy. Not your W happy, but you, as an individual.

I feel your identity may have been lost somewhere along the line. Find it. It can be found without destroying the other relationships in your life. Don't worry.

Ginger,

Thanks for the words. I agree with you that my identity has been lost. I truly don't know who I am or who I want to be. I have to find a way to figure it out. I am confused on what I should do and how much time it should take. I have always been a patient person, but I think I am growing impatient. This is certainly not easy, it's the hardest thing I have ever done in my life.

[Eagle11]

Drew,

You are right. The fear is paralyzing me. My W has total control of the sitch. I am going to read the book when it gets here tomorrow.

I am aware we are in the friendzone. I honestly don't want anything else right now either. I do think the friendzone has made it very comfortable for my W to live her life the way she wants though. I guess originally I viewed being friends as a way for us to reconnect with each other and be there for our kids. It is turning out as just a way for her to go about her life without fearing what I might do as her husband.

When I take a step back and try to analyze our sitch it is crazy to think she is carrying on these EA's and I know about it. She knows I know about it, but she doesn't even bother to hide it.

I have heard 2 different theories on how to respond. Some say don't take this from her while others say to leave her alone and don't start conflict with her. I have obviously taken the 2nd way.

I need to read NMMNG when it gets here. Maybe it can be a help in all of this.

[Ginger1]

Don't worry about how much time it should take. You don't need to know that right now. Yup, this isn't the hardest thing you will ever do in your life. There is no easy way out of this one, if you really want benefits and lifelong change.

The first step in discovering who you are is not acting on who your wife wants you to be. Or being scared of her reactions to your actions. I always believe we should be considerate of others, especially those we love, but how can you possibly find yourself and find out who you are if you base your actions on your wife's reactions?

[Ginger1]

I meant this IS (not isn't) the hardest thing you will ever do in your life.

Eric is guiding you nicely through it too:)

[Drew]

I have heard 2 different theories on how to respond. Some say don't take this from her while others say to leave her alone and don't start conflict with her. I have obviously taken the 2nd way.

Yep, Confrontation vs. Bo Peep. Only you can decide the best approach for your sitch. It's your life.

I need to read NMMNG when it gets here. Maybe it can be a help in all of this.

As a supplement to DB, not in place of.