Cherry.Papers filed "am I making a mistake".focus!

[Cherry]

It is, because there's no longer loyalty, relationship, friendship. They come and go as they please, spew all over. And I get to see him ignore our child, or stay out til all hours (he has been better the past week, and wanting to eat meals with us. Of course this means nothing).

Thing is, I'm already living the life as a lone parent. And if I say so myself, I'm doing it better than I thought I would! I'm balancing work and care responsibilities to my mil and child. I'm making sure we are okay financially. There isn't anything he is offering me right now except for stress. When they are just a shell of that person, it's not pleasant, like they look familiar- but it's not them. Nor are you sure which version of them you will get that day.

My concentration is one of trying to have peace. I want a peaceful home, without spew or uncertainty. I want to feel peace within myself, I want my child to be as minimally affected as I possibly can.

And I mean, how is a wayward living at home actually facing up to any consequences if their decisions?! Living like a student home for spring break. Come and go as you please, no worry of bills, taxes. Fridge and cupboards full, big meals made (I always cook in bulk!). Absolutely no responsibilities, life is like a holiday camp! Yes I know, they have the inner turmoil they battle, but that will only get hella worse when living alone and needing to pay and sort out so much more stuff, it's like starting all over again. Buying all the furniture and everything. So I think if he has his talk tomorrow and presents the papers, I need to be firm that he needs to go asap. I can't have someone fire me from their wife but still have all the comforts of a wife and a tidy warm family house and family living when it suits. It's hard because yes, I do still love him, and I know telling him to leave will be tough, and pushing him into this reality. But this is the reality he wanted. Not me. I wanted my family to stay together.

[Cherry]

Thanks natus. Yeah I can imagine initially it will be tough. Although I feel I have made progress with my detachment, I'm sure when he goes, there will be the sadness of "okay, this is not a drill. This is happening". But right now it's this thing looming that I know is gonna happen, but I don't know when, and the uncertainty of that isn't pleasant.

[PsySara]

My WH literally said he would be devastated if we divorce because I am his only friend and he would be lonely. In an earlier time I would have vented back that he made that bed when he cheated. Now I am like, "Yeah, that would be tough, huh?" And that's it. It's sinking into my husband's skull that he effectively threw away his wife and kids when he chased after headcase of a train wreck. The reality that I may not be here when he comes to his senses is beginning to dawn on him, and he's in a cold panic.

Meanwhile I am just here with one eye brow raised and observing the floundering.

[Phoebe]

Wow, I struggle so much sometimes, but compared to having to face WH every day, I have it easy in a lot of ways.

I don't have much to offer today, Cherry, beyond letting you know that I'm still here in your corner, wishing you well.

((((((((((Cherry))))))))))

[BluWave]

Oh cherry, I know it won't serve anyone for me to go off on your WH, but it is so hard not to! It seems like torture what you are going through and I find it so unfair that he continues this affair, threatens D, comes/goes as he pleases, but then has the nerve to just drag this out. Fog or no fog, this is a complete lack of respect for you as the mother of his children. It disgusts me.

Have you thought about taking a different, more firm, approach and just kicking his arse to the curb? As we have seen time and time again, it isn't until LBS is absolutely at the end of her rope and says "enough is enough, if you are not commited to this family, then you must leave," that H can start to even begin to feel the consequences of his choices. Just look at Sara's sitch. I can say the same thing about mine and have read it time and time again here.

Sadly for them it often IS too late. Even well into piecing (and my H has done everything he could and still will), I often wonder if I ever will feel as strongly about him again.

(((Cherry))) You have been the lighthouse for so long. We are all in your corner. You deserve some space and peace from this and so do those babies.

-Blu

[Cherry]

Thank you guys! Sara I don't think I'm quite at the stage of you as sometimes some actions do hurt me. But I'm starting to feel that exhaustion of the whole thing, the point where you start to think is the alternative really going to be much worse? I'm already living without him most of the time, he doesn't give me emotional support, support with our child, any help with housework/shopping/ financial in doing all this alone. So for me what will be the alternative? He just won't have free reign to come and go as he pleases, which will only mean that there should be some calmness as to when/if he's going to come in. I'm sure there will be some sadness initially, as it truly will feel like the end of the m. But I just feel now I'm prolonging the pain. He's already filed so there's nothing I can do about that.

Phoebe, thanks for the support, knowing I have you guys here is of great comfort.

Blu, I'm thinking this is the next approach. And I'm not doing it out of any kind of strategy, but out of sheer exhaustion. I can't deal with the same convo over and over again. It's exhausting, it really is. And I can't enable "the easy way" for him. If this is truly what he wants to go and do, then I've got to let him go and do it. But I know for sure, just filing the papers won't give him any insight on the consequences of his actions.. so he has a piece of paper to say he is no longer my h, okay fair enough. But doing that, then allowing him to still live here with all the home comforts, no responsibilities and still seeing his child as an when he pleases is just not how D'D living would be like.

I'm sorry you still find it difficult blu, although you are in a position that most of us would love to be in, I don't think a lot of us realise that piecing is probably the point everything hits us. The adrenaline and every other feeling we feel when dealing with a wayward is gone, and that's when we start to think can we ever be back to where we were? Probably not. I know they say that m can be stronger after an a, I don't know if that's the case. It's like the expression of dropping a vase on the floor, it goes to pieces, sure you can fix it back together, but it will never look the same. After wh came back after his first A, although we worked through it, some days it was in the back of my mind when I looked at him that I no longer looked at him with the same innocence that he was someone who couldn't hurt me. He had done. And now he's done it again, and whilst I still love him, I feel every time he delivers some spew, a little bit of those feelings for him are shattered. And this time, he's hurt me and left him at one of the points in a woman's life when they need a partner the most.

[JksD]

Cherry, sorry that your wh is still such a pita.

But you're sounding stronger and more anchored.

You have told him that you do not wish to D but you are also showing him that you are strong enough to be without him. And you're doing this in a calm and confident manner. You are civil/ cordial to him.

Now that he has filed, I agree that he will have to face the reality of what life will be without you and s.

You continue being the awesome, sexy and sassy mama that you are but your wh now is just a housemate that you will continue to be civil to.

[Cherry]

Grl, thank you. I do feel over the past few weeks I've become stronger. I think it happened when I learnt he had filed, and I truly realised this is what he is doing. So I needed to detach and step further away.

I shall certainly try my best. Pretty exhausted and feeling sickly today. Think I may bring my work home as today is draining me. I don't think I have the energy to get home and then him descend with his latest dose of spew. I'm pretty certain it will be the papers, he paid and started the process about 2/3 weeks and I still haven't seen anything. Wh seems to think that I don't need a L if we can agree on everything, but I still think I shall stick with having a L. Although I have legal knowledge and work in law- it's corporate, so a different ball game! I'd sooner have a D attorney look over things and for things to be sent to them. Although I'm feeling stronger, I don't think I want the added stress of dealing with it all by myself.

I think we can all agree that they don't feel what life will be like without us until they live it. So if that's the case, and he has filed, then he needs to leave.

[maybs]

the point where you start to think is the alternative really going to be much worse?

This is me. When my W and I do speak I feel complete indifference toward her.

At this point with my M I feel like I could take it or leave it.

I was recently asked by a friend to consider what would be the hardest part if our D were to be finalized. I thought about it for a while and I feel like it wouldn't make a difference. I already live alone and financially support myself and the household. I've already dealt with the fact the M as I knew it is over. What would really change for me?

On the flip side of that I was also asked what would be the hardest part if we were to R and there's a mile long list.

It seems crazy that deep down I do want to take the hard way, if I could live in an ideal fantasy world I would choose R. But then I sometimes ask myself why? Why put myself through that?

IDK, much like you I'm just exhausted by the entire thing to the point that I can't even bring myself to care anymore.

Anyways, you are doing great! I really do admire your strength. I don't know how I would deal with it if my W still lived at home.

[JksD]

Cherry, I agree with your stance on L. Dun let him guilt you into not having one.

You let your L do the dirty work, so that you can continue being civil to him.