To me it seems like the other way around. It seems like the marriage problems helped to trigger the MLC. She didn't like the way life was, so she decided to go a different direction.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Ciluzen, ericmsant2, cat04 - I am not worried about an EA with anyone because these female friends are either sick of hearing about my sitch or what my perspective is on it (some DBers too). I chose to speak with female friends because I am more comfortable being vulnerable around them. I don't know how I am "vigilant" about any of these friendships, other than it's new for me to lean on people for help. Ironically, the one woman I have spoken to the most is gay. She has been generous in reminding me of things I need to remember about my sitch and keeping me PMA. She's been skillful at pointing out how juvenile so much of my W's behavior is, because I am taking her MLC so seriously. She's also the only female friend who didn't say she would have already bailed on the M if she were in my shoes.
I don't feel unlovable, I'm just looking for comfort. There's so much uncertainty, vulnerability, fragility and frailty. I'm not used to it. I know what I'm doing at work and with my kids, but I suppose I really don't know where I'm going. I just keep telling myself to savor my last days as a full-time father, however short or long they may be.
MrBond - I definitely contributed my 50% towards a stale marriage. We didn't plan on having a third child. Life got in the way and we were both overwhelmed with the workload of 3 children. The demands of the household were depressing to me and aggravating to her. We became roommates juggling parenting tasks. Looking back, I can see we were both stuck - as a couple and an individuals. If it wasn't for her MLC, we might be in the exact same place right now. I admit something had to change.
I see the "marriage crisis" as a side effect of the MLC. W decided to crash our marriage after her MLC set in. W didn't come to me saying "things aren't good, we have to work things out". She declared she was checking out as my wife, looking to sleep around and that a separation or a D was her only route to happiness ("I want to be free, I don't want to be here.")
Brubeck,
I want to say that I agree with Mr. Bond about the book and I agree with you that the marriage crisis is a side effect of the MLC. Personally, I believe if the marriage was strong and wonderful, the MLCer would turn to the spouse and deal with their problems within the marriage instead of looking outside.
It reminds me of the "Perfect Storm." Problems in the marriage+ no MLC= problems can be resolved. No problems in the marriage + MLC= MLC can be navigated. Problems in the marriage + MLC= Perfect Storm of destruction.
As far as being vigilant about opposite sex friendships, I wanted to clarify...When we have them, and we all do, it is up to the people involved to make sure that the relationship doesn't cross boundaries that endanger the marital/romantic relationship. That could look as simple as no flirting, no talking about relationship stuff, not spending time together without the spouses or other people.
Sometimes these friendships can get a bit more personal and still protect the boundaries of the marriage. It simply depends on all of the people involved.
My biggest confidant is male. How I speak and how he responds makes all of the difference. There is no "white knight" sort of behavior on either part to comfort or fix whatever we might talk about. There is fun, friendship, trust, and occasionally tmi. There is also the knowledge on both parts that IF either of our partners ever said..."this is a problem"... the friendship would be no more. If people saw how we interacted, they would probably never believe there was a deep friendship there.
That is what I meant by being vigilant. No one can police our friendship but us. If it is something we want to continue, we have to be upfront and honest with ourselves and each other about the content.
Another thing that doesn't happen, is that we don't go to each other when we are particularly vunerable. It would be to easy to get lines crossed in that situation. While we like to believe we control our feelings, that isn't always the case, hence the saying "the heart wants what the heart wants". Logic doesn't rule matters of the heart.
Please understand that no one is picking on you. What people (I) picked up on in your thread was the change in your tone when you spoke about your friend that you had lunch with in comparison with your tone in other posts. It set off warning bells. No one here can tell you what to do, but we can try to help you avoid the pitfalls we may face.
I hope you are doing well.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
W spent her first week back at work after nearly a decade of no employment. Friday night she went out with her gay husbands, came home at 11:30 pm and was dead asleep by midnight. She didn't wake up until 10 am.
Saturday night W left at 10 pm with MLC Friend #3. I awoke at 3:30 am and she still wasn't home. I could not go back to sleep. I stayed up the whole time - this is not good for me. She came home at 7 am via Uber. Went from the front door straight to the couch, went to sleep in her clothes. Did not grab a pillow or a blanket. Didn't even take her sandals off. Later that day, she took the longest shower.
I am obviously bothered big time about her late nights and/or infidelities. I am completely repulsed by this and think she is disgusting for what she's doing, but for some reason I feel better once she's home - not happy, just not anxiety-ridden. To me she's become a slut, but why don't I dismiss her altogether based on that? I am up all hours every Saturday night when she leaves to do God-knows-what with God-knows-who. Every Sunday I am exhausted from the lack of sleep from the night before. I can't keep doing this to myself.
Her adultery feels like the one true deal breaker for me. I can't get over it. I read some thread where a guy's W caught an STD and he still kept on, and I read over & over in archives and from vets that swear repeatedly: the OP means nothing. Nothing.
My W is planning to D me a year from now, she thinks that's when she will be financially capable of paying all the bills herself. When I think about her sleeping with someone else, next year can't come soon enough. It's gross. Maybe I'm not being empathetic enough, but she's just a whore to me right now. I wish I didn't feel this way, I hate having these feelings about her.
I had lunch yesterday with Liz. She knows nothing about DB or MLC but even she's repeated what I've heard here on DB and it still isn't sinking into my skull. She's urging me to detach even more, she thinks I'm in denial. She gave me the whole "crazy people don't know they're crazy" speech and told me that W may never come out of the tunnel and spend the rest of her life convinced that I'm the devil. True to form, W was ranting again about me Saturday afternoon on the phone - all of it lies. It's like a muscle she has to keep working.
Liz said she sees all the stress in my face and says "you're gonna snap, you're gonna say something you'll regret." Without being hard, she pointed out I am frozen with fear. Everything I do is going to be re-arranged in W's mind so she can hate me further, so I need to stop standing still in hopes she will hate me less.
Liz is right. I think something is wrong with me. W has been dark for 2 months, and I remain dim, but I think am not detached ENOUGH. I can't figure out what it is, but there's some part of me that's not letting go, and I wonder if it's letting go of the part of her that is an unfaithful. I am still very emotional. Something is not adding up properly in my brain.
M: 49, W: 45 T: 22 M: 15 S14, S11, S9 BD: Jan '16 W files: Oct '16 D final: June '18
And despite her self destructive nature, you should try to reign in your anger. Calling the mother of your kids a slut is going to come out when you're with them. Don't put them in between you two.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I'm in no position to offer advice on the OM, or how you should feel about her, but there is a quote from "Orange is the new black" that I refer to whenever the OW comes to my mind, and it's so bad it's actually really good... So here it comes, (please don't laugh):
"I'm a garden rose, she is a weed"
Surely the context in the series was different, and I might have paraphrased it a little, but it is becoming my motto. Honestly there is loads of wisdom coming from that series
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
I had to chuckle because that is a very good example to repeat over and over again when you question what the OP has that attracted your spouse.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Her adultery feels like the one true deal breaker for me. I can't get over it. I read some thread where a guy's W caught an STD and he still kept on, and I read over & over in archives and from vets that swear repeatedly: the OP means nothing. Nothing.
I'll wager that was my thread.
Here is the deal, your BD is still fresh and you feel betrayed ... even more so as she is doing it right under your nose and by her actions she in a sense is rubbing that same nose into it. For me when I found out about the A I was LIVID ... like you that was a deal breaker, over time I can not say when/how or why the sting was not as painful and my desire at the time to have my W and family back overrode the 'deal-breaker' of the A. Thats how I landed on DB some several months after BD.
That being said you do probably need a good dose of Boundaries. You can not control her, but you need to place some boundaries in to protect yourself. Her using you till she is set to jump into the other tree would not work for me TBH ... you may want to give this some thought. ... just my 2 cents.
