Don't put too much stock in how affectionate/loving/sexual your W was with you. Nearly every post I read in this forum talks about how normal things seemed until ... bam.
> neither of us has made an attempt to find a counselor other than > me mentioning the DB Coaches which she seemed very hesitant on
My advice: don't waste time, go find a counselor, but be very selective. You have one chance at sitting down w/ your W and talking about your marriage with a counselor. Ask around, look at their info on websites, even go visit their offices to get the vibe. I would prefer an established individual counselor, rather than one that belongs to a big group. The big group ones tend to have many recent graduates from therapy schools. The individual ones are ones who have a lot of experience. Also, I would pick one that -- to your best estimate -- your W could connect and identify with or look up to. For example, if your W is an urban hipster covered in tattoos, don't pick a counselor who is a 60 year old grandfather in a cardigan, and vice versa. Also, many counselors are solution-oriented, while others are more into trying to understand the underlying psychology. If your W is a practical-minded, rational person she might feel better w/ the former, rather than someone asking her detailed questions about her childhood.
Just my two cents.
Me: 50, MLC/WW 45 Young kids Nov 2015: BD1 Apr 2016: BD2 Jan 2017: W filed Feb 2017: D final
Another thing that I may should mention: In 2010 (2 years before we were even engaged) something similar happened. She had an emotional affair with a guy at work. I actually completely discovered that one. I handled it extremely badly; pursuing, harassing, even threatening. Her actions and responses were so similar to how they are now that it is frightening. I was heartbroken then, but it eventually ended and things just got better. It ended because the guy lost interest and went onto another girl. Oddly enough though after everything settled, we never discussed it again. We got engaged and married and here we are now. So after all of this that has gone on over the last month, I did bring up this past infidelity. I told her obviously you can understand why I am paranoid about this new "friend" based off of your past behavior. She just dismisses it. So after I point out that this looks just like last time, she returns the favor. Says that I have lost all emotional connection with her just as I had done before. Says that how can she continue like this if every few years I just lose interest in her.
lostasf, it wasn't just my story and yours, it's pretty common with most people her (not all, but most)... But i'll tell you this, my WW convinced me it was way worse than it was, and I bought it all hook line and sinker at first. Reality will come back to you, but theres something about their suggestion of how bad you were during a time of crises that makes you believe it.
I wasn't perfect, oh but I was sooooooooo far from bad..
Anyway, there are things you need to do, but I would really like to see you settle down before you start doing them, that's why I'm suggesting reading and getting out of the house. If you can, go sign up for a gym, it's a great place to go for a couple of hours, and it doesn't take long before you start seeing a difference (mentally and physically).
Please, take time to read my sitch, I did a lot of wrong things that you are going to want to do (like go to MC), and when I make suggestions to you, I want you to know I tried the wrong thing first before really learning the right thing. I've screamed, I've guilt tripped, I did everything I could just to stop her A from going further, and it did, for like a minute, but it dragged my sitch on a lot longer than it needed to. Pay attention to the suggestions I got on my thread, Sandi and Wonka posted a lot to me, a lot that I didn't listen to, but now understand.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
I have read your entire thread, and I have already made some of these mistakes. The only thing stopping us from separation is the thought that MC should be first. If i drop that idea, she will be looking for an apartment immediately. Where does that leave me? MWD specifically addresses that the spouses must remain in the same household to work on the M.
Hi Lost, Sorry to meet you here. My 2cents. When my M blew up, I panicked as well, and wanted to rush into MC, thinking that would stop H from leaving. H said he would go, eventually, but he needed to work on himself first and go to IC. So we both went to IC, and he found a place and moved out. It's been two months of him in the apartment. Looking back, there's NO WAY I would have been able to do MC with him. I was a mess, I needed to calm down, process the BD, DB and read this forum heavily, GAL, relax, be alone, reflect, and breathe. And that's having nothing to say about H and his ability to go to MC! So, take your time, read the book, get advice here, take one single day at a time. Chin up, be positive, be strong, be the person she married. For you!
me 42 H 32 T 7yr M 6yr BD 5/2016 ILYBNILWY Separated 7/2016
OK so my advice for choosing a good MC applies only if you believe that your W is genuinely open to talking about your marriage.
It sounds like in most cases WW are not. I'm not sure about own case. We did go to a MC for two sessions, and I still believe that there was *some* openness there, but I squandered that opp because I chose my MC poorly.
Me: 50, MLC/WW 45 Young kids Nov 2015: BD1 Apr 2016: BD2 Jan 2017: W filed Feb 2017: D final
lostasf, it wasn't just my story and yours, it's pretty common with most people her (not all, but most)... But i'll tell you this, my WW convinced me it was way worse than it was, and I bought it all hook line and sinker at first. Reality will come back to you, but theres something about their suggestion of how bad you were during a time of crises that makes you believe it.
I wasn't perfect, oh but I was sooooooooo far from bad..
Anyway, there are things you need to do, but I would really like to see you settle down before you start doing them, that's why I'm suggesting reading and getting out of the house. If you can, go sign up for a gym, it's a great place to go for a couple of hours, and it doesn't take long before you start seeing a difference (mentally and physically).
Please, take time to read my sitch, I did a lot of wrong things that you are going to want to do (like go to MC), and when I make suggestions to you, I want you to know I tried the wrong thing first before really learning the right thing. I've screamed, I've guilt tripped, I did everything I could just to stop her A from going further, and it did, for like a minute, but it dragged my sitch on a lot longer than it needed to. Pay attention to the suggestions I got on my thread, Sandi and Wonka posted a lot to me, a lot that I didn't listen to, but now understand.
After reading your sitch I have an additional question. I have read and reread the boundaries thread by Wonka. In your thread you state that one of your boundaries is that you will not live in an open marriage. However, what was her consequence for breaking this boundary? This is a very tough question because I feel the very same about a boundary not living in an open marriage, however there is absolutely nothing I can do to stop her or give her a consequence for this action.
Remember, for right now, it's best you do nothing but learning... So don't act on this just yet..
Right now, your in an open M, she is into someone else, and your goal is to get her to see what she's going to lose for this OM.. You've gotta take baby steps with this, but your goal is to move on and let her know that she's losing / lost you (you will not get her back until your just as happy moving on as you would be getting her back). So as Sandi2 says, if you won't be in an open M, figure out what that means compared to what's going on right now. Are you sleeping in the same bed? Do you cook her meals? Are you doing more than your fair share of housework, taking care of the house, taking care of vehicles? If she was just a roommate, what would you be doing differently?
When, not right now, but when you start to enforce boundaries, these are the things you are not going to do so that you are not in an open M. So don't jump to selling the house and D like I wanted to do, it doesn't work, it's too much too soon... Your going to stop catering to her and stop acting like your married and become a roommate while you work on yourself...
Now a question for you, what are you going to do for yourself? What do you think about joining a gym?
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
I'm sorry that you find yourself here. You will find a lot of similarities and common occurrences in a lot of these situations here. Which means people who have been through what you are going through understand it. It's very important that you take the advice right away. I'm sure you have already noticed a few things you wish you could take back. Such as pulling out all the old cards and trying to remind her. You need to realize that even though so many things will feel unnatural at first it is vital to do them. Especially detaching and GAL. Cnut is right. Your marriage as you know it is over. Your W is now a WW. She will act and do all kinds of things that don't make sense. Just realize that you can't control that. The only thing you can control is you and your actions. DBing is about becoming the best you that you can be. It may give you a chance to save your marriage it may not Patience is key!
M 37 W 30 S 7 Together 10 years Married 9 years BD: 12/12/12(W filed same day) I moved to apartment 1/11/13 W and S moved to MIL 1/11/13 Peicing: 6/3/13 Reconciled: 7/2013 BD2: 4/20/16 still working on it
Remember, for right now, it's best you do nothing but learning... So don't act on this just yet..
Right now, your in an open M, she is into someone else, and your goal is to get her to see what she's going to lose for this OM.. You've gotta take baby steps with this, but your goal is to move on and let her know that she's losing / lost you (you will not get her back until your just as happy moving on as you would be getting her back). So as Sandi2 says, if you won't be in an open M, figure out what that means compared to what's going on right now. Are you sleeping in the same bed? Do you cook her meals? Are you doing more than your fair share of housework, taking care of the house, taking care of vehicles? If she was just a roommate, what would you be doing differently?
When, not right now, but when you start to enforce boundaries, these are the things you are not going to do so that you are not in an open M. So don't jump to selling the house and D like I wanted to do, it doesn't work, it's too much too soon... Your going to stop catering to her and stop acting like your married and become a roommate while you work on yourself...
Now a question for you, what are you going to do for yourself? What do you think about joining a gym?
Well, this goes out the window now. She just told me she is looking at apartments. Told me some prices and stuff. I said OK, well if this is what you are going to do there will be many logistics to work out. I left it at that for now. I don't know what to do now. Obviously detach and GAL, but what to do about the moving out? What logistics/boundaries do I need to push for? I can't stop her....so what do I do?
