How did you respond when she cancelled game night?
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
NyGal, I texted back "ok" not sure what else to reply.
w texted asking if I was going to grad again. I said yes why she replied with "just making sure. my mom wasn't sure what you had said"
W texted asking if I had been by her house today. I said no. w- are you sure? you can tell me if you were.. Me - I did not. I respect your boundary of letting you know / you knowing when I am there. (wasn't she just accusing me of not wanting to be at her house?) W- ok. then i'll be changing the locks bc someone is coming in the house. this has happened more than once" me- ok
This happened once where she left something in a very specific place and it was moved. The weekend my car broke down so I had no way of getting to her house. I don't know why she's adamant that I show up. I have no need. That house makes me depressed and sad. Not sure what to make of this. Feels like more and more separation. I was in her town today because I had a doc appointment. My co pay was on the "joint" account that only I use. I'm sure she saw it online and that is not helping my case. part of me thinks she's paranoid. Guilt perhaps? She's doing things are are wrong so she's trying to see what "wrongs" I'm doing? I don't know. I know If W does change the locks she will not give me a key. I fear she will think I took D's and made a copy though if something is mysteriously moved one day.
w did text last night about what size I ordered my fitbit. Not exactly sure why. I responded in the middle of the night. Temp check? Idk...there's only two band sizes, regular and Large. and we have small hands.
Hope you got some sleep cheesyt....who knows what she is thinking but you can't worry about that, keep focusing on you!! The fitbit was a total temp check....I got one this am as well....have a great day!
W:42 M:48 T:9 yrs M:1yr BD: Feb 2016 EA Confirmed: Feb 2016/PA July 2016 D: Feb 2017
Hi cheesy, just wanted to check in. Your w's behavior is confusing. IDK why she keeps checking to see about your attendance at the graduation. Is it because she wants you there or because she doesn't? IDK. When W kept checking in to make sure I was going to be at the dinner with her after her vacation with ow, it was because she was temp checking BIG time and wanted to make sure I would show -- that was the dinner where we talked R and proceeded to R.
Good lucky, cheesyt.
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
I have so many emotions and feelings that I cannot seem to understand today. Nothing specific happened. I woke up from a dream with W..as always she decided to come back. but as always, just a dream. I got this weird gut feeling most of today. I'm angry. at my wife and just in general. frustrated. sad. worried. anxious. tired. I visited with my dr and a therapist yesterday. We talked about anti depressants. As the therapist was asking questions, I zoned out, I looked around the room and just started crying. Therapist asked what triggered my crying, what did she say. I told her nothing in particular that she mentioned, I can't believe this is my life. I couldn't believe I was there and those conversations were happening. I never envisioned my life this way.
How did I get here? but most importantly, how do I get out of here?!
I don't think things are getting worse, but sure don't feel better. I'm settling into some sort of routine Monday work, then running and beers with a group, get home around 9pm shower and bed. Tuesday work, soccer practice with D, get home around 7pm and do things around my room or netflix or study Wed work, D, get home around 8/30 do things around my room or netflix, or study Thursday work, happy hour with a friend, get home around 8 pm, do things around my room or netflix or study Friday work, soccer practice with D, meet with a friend for happy hour until whenever. usually 9/10pm, then bed. Saturday and Sunday I try to fill up with GAL activities. Sunday I definitely take a few hours to study/homework.
Yet somehow I'm still not content, or remotely close to happy. I'm ok. I don't want to be just ok though. I'm waking up and doing what I have to do, but only because I have to. I have to go to work because I have bills to pay. I have to go running because I need to GAL. I have to GAL because It's supposed to help but when does it actually get better? Out of the whole week the only thing I can say I do because I want to is spend time with D (the few hours on Wednesday I'm allowed.) I don't know what else to do to actually feel better. I feel stuck. I don't what this life I'm creating but I'm at a loss for how to make it more "mine" and for it to make me happy.
journaling - MIL texted asking If i have a key to W's house and if she could come and get it because MIL is going over to W's house and clean the deck because MIL bought W a new deck set.. I asked MIL to make sure W knows because other wise I get accused of doing shady things. This got me thinking, I didn't lie and cheat, why am I the liar? why is my word all of a sudden not worth anything to W? I think this is a little "game" to get me to give up my house key, which I really don't care but seriously?! I'm so disappointed not exactly sure in what or who. Just in general. I'm doing my best here, I'm trying everyday, I'm working on GAL and detaching, and just living for me. why is it so hard? Why is it that it feels like my W is doing everything she can to get me out of her life? How does she do it? How is it so easy to erase me. Why does W have it so easy. I can barely function at work or in my day to day. I feel extremely down and depressed. I don't know how I manage to wake up everyday and still TRY to live a decent life. I have no idea. I don't know why I'm here or how to leave this place. I don't deserve all this, yet and still I'm getting it. Grad is coming up perhaps I'm all sorts of crazy emotions because of it. Her Family will be in town, and of course I'm not invited to the activities, that I wasn't sure I was going to attend anyway, but somehow knowing It was MY decision not to go would make me feel better, instead I'M the one hurt by the loss. I feel the loss. I know I can only control my feelings and I don't know if W does or does not feel the loss. IT hurts from where I'm standing, She's got her family, our D, our house, her friends, her school, her career, our pets, om or ow, I just don't know how to move past this or quit thinking about it.
How did I get here? but most importantly, how do I get out of here?!
I don't think things are getting worse, but sure don't feel better. I'm settling into some sort of routine Monday work, then running and beers with a group, get home around 9pm shower and bed. Tuesday work, soccer practice with D, get home around 7pm and do things around my room or netflix or study Wed work, D, get home around 8/30 do things around my room or netflix, or study Thursday work, happy hour with a friend, get home around 8 pm, do things around my room or netflix or study Friday work, soccer practice with D, meet with a friend for happy hour until whenever. usually 9/10pm, then bed. Saturday and Sunday I try to fill up with GAL activities. Sunday I definitely take a few hours to study/homework.
Yet somehow I'm still not content, or remotely close to happy. I'm ok. I don't want to be just ok though. I'm waking up and doing what I have to do, but only because I have to. I have to go to work because I have bills to pay. I have to go running because I need to GAL. I have to GAL because It's supposed to help but when does it actually get better? Out of the whole week the only thing I can say I do because I want to is spend time with D (the few hours on Wednesday I'm allowed.) I don't know what else to do to actually feel better. I feel stuck. I don't what this life I'm creating but I'm at a loss for how to make it more "mine" and for it to make me happy.
-want a different life with my W in it. as my W.
Cheesyt, I know this lull. I too am living in this limbo and it's hard to imagine what "good" looks like in the future. I find that the routine is awesome for helping me maintain balance and the exercise has been key to me keeping my sanity.
I think the issue is that both you and I keep getting sucked back into our WWs zone of control. We tend to go in fits and spurts and it keeps us from really, truly detaching from the situation. From others, it sounds like you don't really get consistently "good" w/o finding the way to detachment. Until then you go through good and bad cycles.
Unfortunately, I can't help you w/ the detachment piece, but I can tell you that what you are doing is good FOR you. You seem to be happier after you've been out on a GAL w/ your friends. Maybe it's even time to try something new and fill in Wed or Thurs evening w/ a new GAL activity? Take a risk, try something new w/ new people. Maybe it leads you somewhere interesting and helps you to define what "good" looks like in the future.
Regardless, you are an awesome person and deserve to be happy. We're here to support you and I really appreciate all the support you've given me. Hang in there and it will get better!
Me39 M11 : T13 D9 BD 5/31/16 In House S until 6/21/17 Divorced 10/5/18
Oh Cheesy you sound like me a couple of weeks ago when I went to a really, really dark place. What helped me was all the help and advice from you lovely people on here. Also I stopped posting for a while just reading. I just didn't have the energy to pour my feelings out on here or to talk about H anymore and that coupled with a so called friend of mine who blanked me at funeral and later told me she was fed up of my self pity made something click in me.
Don't get me wrong I cry literally every day but now I seem to have got to a place where H's actions aren't affecting me as much. I still long for him but I feel like I have exhausted myself trying to get him to notice me and it's just not working. I realised that was my cheeseless tunnel. I am sure there will be times I will spiral again but for now I am in a comfortable place.
Read what the others, especially Blu said on my sich. Let her go. If you don't feel comfortable about going to the graduation then don't. It is your decision to make. At the moment you seem to be on autopilot. I think you should stop yourself from doing things if you feel you are forcing yourself to do them in the name of GAL. I wasnt ready to take on lots of activities at first but now I feel like I might be ready to do something but I not going to fill my life with lots of activities because it's the quiet moments that I need to know how to deal with my mind starts to work overtime!
(((Cheesy)))
Me - 47 H - 45 D-16 M - 6 years Separated - May 16
Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
Good post Coly, I remember when you were in that dark place!! It stinks, you sound better as well and I hope you get there Cheeyst! It took me a long time to finally get where I am and thank goodness for the people on these boards, I wish I would have found it sooner but it is what it is.... I do have moments where I go in waves but it has been less and less...I am finally at a place where her actions don't affect me as much either and she is searching for that something and I can't help her. Thank goodness I also have an awesome support group of family and friends!! We are your family here ((cheesy)))
W:42 M:48 T:9 yrs M:1yr BD: Feb 2016 EA Confirmed: Feb 2016/PA July 2016 D: Feb 2017
