Still alive, still need guidance.

[Tyler12]

At first I was furious and shocked. It took me totally by surprise. I am glad her first call was to me and to get the boys away from the situation. So I know there is some sense in her head still.

When I met her she immediately came to me for a hug and I hugged back. She was crying and all I said was your safe here now. We transferred the boys stuff and she took my puppy for a walk to pee.

Before I left she was noticeably still shook up and I hugged her again. Told her to drive safe and take care of herself. The boys are safe with me now so she can focus on herself.

As far as I know she had a friend check that OM wasn't home as she wanted to go and get some things. And that is the last I heard so I am a little nervous.

I understand that she may get pulled back in, and I told her I hope for her and our boys sake she thinks everything through. She told me she felt scared and stupid to which I replied that I can see how she would feel that way, at the same time that I hope she knows whatever caused this to happen with OM isn't her fault, it's not acceptable from a man or a woman to abuse someone.

She said she done and should have know better. So regardless of where this goes I just hope for her and our boys sake it doesn't go back to OM.

[Tyler12]

Really tough part change it it's is trying to stick with DB, take a different approach to it. I mean I have to give it time and see if she is done with OM. She has to grieve for that R and then maybe there can be some communication.

I think I have to go back to the book and look at how to handle this if the A is over.

I need to keep on with my GAL, not sure if I stick with the somewhat NC that it has been.

[Zues126]

Remember- NO EXPECTATIONS.

She may be pulled back in. But even if she isn't, try to remember the A was a symptom, not the root problem. It wouldn't surprise me if she wanted 'time to think', or time to 'find out who she is on her own', and if that translated down the road to another partner (after all, in her mind it might have been the right idea just the wrong person). Or she may just decide that she wants a divorce and wants to be single.

Who knows. Just a reminder that we can't predict the future, you can't control her, the A isn't the real issue, and you truly have to let go and make a good life for yourself without putting it on hold to hope she 'comes around'. This might take years and often doesn't happen at all, and I don't want you on a roller coaster based on how you interpret her confusion.

[Tyler12]

Thanks. Zeus.

I'm still going to keep on doing what I'm doing. Regarding Myself. I am a lot happier with everything than when I came here 8 months ago. Or 9.

Initially I had expectations when this happened Wednesday. Yet as a few days have passed I remind myself that nothing has essentially changed for me. And yes she needs to figure stuff out for herself.

The only change for me is if she gets sucked back in. In which case I am not comfortable with my boys in that situation so she can do whatever until it effects the kids.

I have my kids this weekend tho. I hope the weather holds out and it's nice so we can have some fun outside. Always look forward to having the kids home.

[sandi2]

Really tough part change it it's is trying to stick with DB, take a different approach to it. I mean I have to give it time and see if she is done with OM. She has to grieve for that R and then maybe there can be some communication.

I think I have to go back to the book and look at how to handle this if the A is over.

I need to keep on with my GAL, not sure if I stick with the somewhat NC that it has been.

Are you saying you would be fine with being her fall back option?

As for making adjustments in your DBing, why does the fact that OM was so mean he ran her off........affect what you were doing? You need to be very, VERY careful. The OM was not the problem in your M. It was/is her waywardness.

Neither of you need to take for granted she's moving back in with you....just b/c she tired of OM. And, especially, don't let her back and sleep in separate beds. It won't be difficult for her to manipulate her way back.

Don't act in any pursuing fashion right now.

Btw, do not mention to her how you know she'll need time to grieve for OM.

[Tyler12]

Thanks Sandi, I my head has cleared a bit now after having it reel from what happened Wednesday. The way she came to me and seemingly needed me made me feel good. The way she ran to me and hugged me and the couple days after was talkative and friendly.

I never did pursue, I listened and validated, said nothing about us or trying to R. All I really told her or asked if her was to be somewhere safe and for the boys sake not to get sucked back in.

I haven't heard from W since Friday morning. So the reality is nothing has seemingly changed. There was never any mention of her moving back home by either of us. As far I understand she will find her own place in the same area she has been.

I hope for her and the boys sake that she tries to figure her life out on her own for awhile. Learn to find her happiness that she so desperately needed on her own, tho it wouldn't surprise me if she has someone new soon or goes back to OM as I have never known her to stay alone for long.

So yes Sandi. Nothing really changes. And no I have not/ will not pursue. Everyone around here always said the OP isn't the reason that a M can't be worked on and I knew it, until I lived it and I had that couple days where I thought to myself, ok. OM is out of the way, I just need to be that light house for her and she will come back because the problem is gone, Well that call to come home or to R never came and it may never.

I had felt so good about all I had done to keep myself moving on. And like usual I felt I was way ahead of the curve, until a road bump happens and makes me realize that though I have made progress. There is still a very very long way to go

[Tyler12]

As for if there ever were to be talk of her moving back in (of which there is none).
I know if I am not careful the R could be the same as before, which is why I have my conditions that I made a long time ago and will stick to.

If W is to ever want to R, 1. Yes we will share M bed, that doesn't mean there will be sex or anything, that is something that will come In time as the R grows.

2. We will go to couples counselling. Not an option. We had and will have issues to be worked out.

3. There needs to be blood tests done because I have no idea if she may have contracted something during her time away. My personal safety is important and I am not risking my life because of her choices.

4. Total transparency with phone/ Fb/ and any social media or emails. Trust was broken and if she requests info the same that is fine I have nothing to hide.
It will only be an issue is there is something to hide. ( this includes complete break off of communication with OM)

These are major things if anything were to ever lead to R. As of right now I have zero expectations that i will ever implement them, just wanted to share some things that I will hold her to if that time ever comes.

[Tyler12]

And within an hour of me posting W calls to talk to the boys. Well the boys are busy playing and running around so all she got was an I love you and miss you.

So she proceeds to chat with me. It was mostly about the boys and her changes in her life now. I was friendly and listened. And ended the convo on my terms, not before she asked if it would be ok to come here to visit the boys tho.

She mentioned she was good to ask if I was busy today because she was considering it and asked if I am busy in the evening this week. I said I would have to look at what I have going on, I can't think of anything right now but I would get back to her about it.

So. It's all just words, it's hard not to have expectations. I am going to keep working on not expecting anything out of my control.

I had to post because it never ceases to amaze me how things like this pop up so close to forgetting about the issues that brought me here to post this am

[Tyler12]

I never truly expected W to come visit the boys during the week. And tho she told me she had hoped to today there wasn't time as she was off work late.

I haven't brought up the topic with her at all, it has always been her that initiates convo when calling the boys.

Tonight W brought up changing around the schedule of who has the boys when again and I immediately was waiting for some change that wouldn't be good for me and the boys time together. It ended up her asking if we could switch the weeks we alternate because of the daycare she has them in. There is a set of twins the same age as S1 that also alternate weeks there. If they are on the same schedule the adult to child ratio isn't proper. So they asked if it could change. And I have no problem switching it as long as my time isn't affected.

So that then made me realize that there would have to be a 2 week period with one of us to change the schedule and to my surprise she asked if I would be ok having them for the extra week! She even offered to pay the child care cost for that week.

Now maybe my head is clouded from the positive attitude she has shown me since she decided to end it with OM and it is possible she has something on the back burner, I just don't feel it like I usually do when she is up to something.

That brings me to the icing on the cake. Since she couldn't make it and her schedule looks full for the rest of the week. And seeing as I will have the boys next week too she asked if I was ok with her coming to visit the boys Saturday morning and spending the night to leave sometime Sunday...

I agreed however I am apprehensive about this. Not that she misses the boys and wants to see them. I get that. What if she wants to share a bed? Do I agree? ( I will not offer as there is other bed/ rooms she can stay in) After the boys go to bed, do we chit chat and try to have fun?

I am on call for work this weekend, do I try to get someone to cover it so I am around more? Do I plan little outings, like bike rides or a picnic?

Or do I go about my life as if she isn't even here, let her see the boys and stay away as much as possible?

I told her that I wouldn't tell the boys, as I haven't yet because I don't want them disappointed if she doesn't come, she said there will it be a change of plans she will come safurday. And said it very matter of factly like she does when her mind is made up.

It is really hard not to have expectations as communication between us has been cold and to the point from when she left until a month or so ago when I noticed a little change in attitude sprinkled in with the usual argument and anger. Which I want to add has shifted off of me and towards the town "I drug her to" to live.

This is so different that I am confused whether she is coming around or if she is just seeking to be friends for the boys sake. She has gone weeks without them before and never suggested coming here to visit. Since January she has been here once to my knowledge and that was to watch S3's tee ball game.

I feel like I need some guidance here or direction to a thread that is similar, with a wayward poking their head back around.

[Mowgli]

Tyler,

Tread lightly my friend. You can't mind read and know what her intentions are. You need to protect yourself first and foremost.

If it's me, I'd try to be open to conversation, but not eager, if that makes sense.

You don't want her to get the sense that she can come back whenever she wants to and you guys get to pick up where you left off.

If she wants to come over to visit the boys, remember that it's your time with them. I'd even go as far as to tell her which room she should be staying in when she gets there. It's your home remember, and as far as you are concerned, she's a visiting guest.

Nosey neighbor treatment. Polite and friendly, but not an open book is how I'd play this.

If she wants to initiate R talks, then that's your call to make as to what to do, but let her make that decision.

Again, this is my opinion and others with more knowledge and experience will be along shortly to help you out.

Good luck man!