Detachment and the end of limbo, sort of...too

[SH_]

Oh Phoebe....

Where are you. it must be after midnight in your neck of the woods.
I want some meaty updates on your mental state, your DB B&B, and the farm. And your L friend as well.
He seems nice.

Also a joke or 2 would be nice as you are always so serious of late.
Why so serious!?!? (Joker in the second Batman movie )

Anywhooo
Just checking in and sending a big virtual rainbow hug to ya.
(((( Phoebe))))

[Phoebe]

Hi there, Silver Human!! I have no idea why I seem so serious of late. I guess I'm just bogged down in a lot of this legal stuff lately. Since I was served 3 weeks ago it's been pretty much on my mind all the time. It is a real slog, and my case is stupidly complex unless WH decides he is willing to settle. In the meantime, it's a whole lot of money going down the proverbial drain drafting motions, etc., and that pains me. I'm a frugal person, and, wow, I just don't understand how it all came to this.

Thursday I spent 2 1/2 hours (!!!) at my lawyer's office working together with his assistant to fill out this ridiculous financial document that I have to submit to the state. Part way through working on this document, the state came out with a new form that I had to use instead. The old form could be hand written, the new and improved (!!!) version has to be filled out digitally. Getting the information transferred to the new form has been an exercise in frustration, to say the least. The worst part, though, is that the document that I've spent so, so, so much time and energy on barely gets any attention from the court. And yet I still have to fill it out as accurately as possible.

At one point I was so frustrated with the assistant because she had an old copy that was completely wrong and she couldn't seem to appreciate why I wanted her to work from my new version instead of hers. I had literally stayed up all night to make all the changes, but she wanted to use her original document and have me read the new information to her line by line so she could write it in by HAND, and THEN go put it into her digital document.

Holy Cow, usually I'm a pretty nice person, but I was teetering right on the hairy edge of losing it.

I finally convinced her to let me email her a copy of my document (apparently she never got it from my L), and then she headed to her office to work on it. While she was gone, I took a Xanax, listen to a couple rounds of the F*ck That meditation, put on my most soothing music in my BlueTooth and just chilled for about half an hour while she worked. Luckily, after she did her work on her own, things got much better and the process went very smoothly. Thank goodness.

Anyway, it's been a whole lot of stuff like that, writing out what amount to informal depositions for my L, etc., etc., etc.. I am just tired of it all, frankly.

SH, Silver Human, Super Hero, Sage Homme, Sparrow Hawk (Shall I go on? ), thank you so much for the rainbow hugs. That was cool!

I’m early here tonight, since I didn’t manage to get here yesterday.

So here’s an update on the farm:

For the last two days I have let my “baby” birds free range. I say baby birds, but they’re really almost as big as the adult hens now, even if they only weigh half as much. I just love seeing them all out roaming around. The young ones tend to steer clear of the older ones, as chickens are very serious about their pecking order. It’s often based on size, so you can guess who’s low on the totem pole right now!

My eggs are selling faster than I can supply them, so I’ll be glad when the little ones start pulling their weight in the egg department. I only have 8 hens producing at the moment, so getting a full dozen can take 2-3 days because two or more of those lay only medium eggs that I feel bad selling. They look so teeny compared to the jumbo plus that the other girls lay, so I keep them for myself.

My parents still have their veggie stand, but nothing has sold in the last 2 days. No idea why, as they had been selling multiple baskets of veggies daily. wax and wane, I guess.

I am baking bread at the moment, so the house is starting to smell really nice, although the hot oven is making it kind of warm in here.

Meaty updates on my mental state, huh? Well, I’ve honestly been feeling really blah to down for the last few days. Shrug. Is it the legal crap, is it just a low ebb, is it entanglement issues, is it… whatever? I am not at all sure, but I’m working on it. I took today off and drove exactly nowhere. Opted out of all biking, too. I am just laying low.

A neighbor came over and we spent a couple hours out on my swing talking and watching the chickens. I spent a fair amount of time out there by myself, too.

I have yet to shower for the day, and I am going to say that is really not normal for me. It’s usually a first thing upon rising activity. I think I’ll go hop in now and get back to feeling human, even though it’s after 8 pm now.

Lovely Cherry, you have exactly nothing to fear from butterflies! They are beautiful and sweet, and no, they don't bite. I now have two chrysalises, a large caterpillar looking for a place to pupate, and two more growing kids busily munching on milkweed. I love raising these creatures. Fascinating, gratifying, beautiful...

[SH_]

I love the update.
Keep pushing through that paperwork
Look at them like a bad tax year........
Then you can just curse the IRS and forget the WH and his antics.

The farm sounds wonderful.
Cant wait to visit the DB B&B when you open for business.

I do hope you are doing well as the weekend comes to a close.

It's late, but I will swing by tomorrow and hope to bump into you here.

((((((((((Phoebe))))))))))

[Phoebe]

Well, I thought I posted last night, but apparently I didn't hit submit, darn it. It must still be sitting on the screen at home, whereas I'm hanging out for the day off-farm.

[SH_]

I am glad to hear you are just having technical difficulties.
That user error is the worst. LOL

How is my favorite little busy bee doing?
Are you finding some true joy in all that keeps Phoebe busy?

I look forward to some chats with substance and time in the near future.

Sleep tight my dear Phoebe.

(((((Phoebe)))))

[Phoebe]

Just me again, back for a bit of journaling...

Yet again, I am knee deep into research about my own history for my lawyers. Sigh. Who the heck knew that I should have kept better track of this stuff. I mean, normal people don't make plans in the event that their spouse runs off and files for D unexpectedly, right? Who knew that the boring details of a life lived together would be of interest all these years later?

All I know is that I've looked at enough old photos, logs, journals, files, etc., to have me fairly well bogged down. I saw my therapist today and when he asked me how I was, and all I could muster was a shrug and noncommittal "agh." It took me an appreciably long time to even be able to start explaining what was going on. My answer was that I have just kind of had it with everything right now. Not is an angry way, but in an "I'm exhausted by it all" kind of way. I told him that this week I just kept wishing that I could curl up in a corner for a while and hide out. I can't even remember what he said to that.

What he definitely asked about was if any traumatic anniversary dates were coming up. I told him that the first one is gong to be the anniversary of the night WH walked away, which also happens to be the anniversary of our wedding. He seemed relieved that I told him that wouldn't be until late December. He mentioned that he was concerned about me having increased difficulties as those dates approached. I said that I can't see how it could possibly compare to the difficulty I had when the initial event occurred.

I don't want to go looking for trouble, but can someone out there tell me if I"m kidding myself if I think that I'll be OK when my Walk-away/Real Anniversary rolls around? In fact, my plan is to make this as beautiful a Christmas as I possibly can, and reclaim it for my own. It has always been my favorite holiday, and I'll be damned if I let WH ruin it for a second (or third, or...) year in a row. Anyway...

I even feel just plain marginal physically. I was on my antibiotics for presumptive Lyme disease and have been feeling largely normal again, but 2 days after I finished the prescription for one of the two meds, I was right back to feeling crummy again last night - tired, achy all over, cold even though the house was 70°, sore neck, headache, this weird feeling of my skin feeling bruised all over. So.... that didn't help my mental resilience. I had enough of the same antibiotic left over from my months-long Lyme treatment a few years ago, so I put myself back on it this morning.

No idea what is going on on that front. I don't even know if it was really Lyme or something else. Shrug. I suppose I ought to call for my test results, but what's the point, really? Whether or not the tests are positive, the treatment wouldn't change. If I still feel crummy when I finish my meds, then I guess I'll have to go looking for more information... more tests, more involvement in the medical system... sigh.

Last night I didn't go to bed until nearly 5 am, so, of course, here I am, awake again at 4 am and journaling. WTF is wrong with my sleep schedule? And it's not just the schedule - I'm back to only sleeping 5-6 hours a night again, and that can be poor quality.

I really just think that there is too much reality to this whole divorce process. L-friend tells me that they usually aren't this difficult (especially in cases without custody issues, like mine), but it's harder because I am basically going through two concurrent divorces in two states. Ugh. All I know is that it has kept me fully immersed in a lot of thoughts and memories that are easier to deal with in less depth. I've been stuck looking into my past for evidence, working deep into the night drafting spreadsheets and memos for my Ls, and it's the pits. How does anyone navigate this system??? I have my own personal legal guide helping me, and I am still bogged down and left numb by the process. If I was totally on my own, then I'd have to add bewildered to my list of emotions.

All I can say is that it's been a learning experience in a subject I had no interest in learning about. I have learned that every single written word is important and carries significant weight. You can sink or swim with a few careless keystrokes in a legal document. I am reminded that honesty truly is the best policy, as I can't imagine trying to keep track of more than one story. A single truth is hard enough to convey to my legal representatives who must , in turn, convey my truth to the courts. I've learned that within all the seeming mumbo-jumbo of legal affirmations and affidavits, motions and complaints is a system that is logical and procedure-based, not emotional. I can see how a person would find fulfillment in practicing law. It's not for me, but I can see it.

So beyond all that, things are going passably well. The birdies continue to acclimate to their new free-ranging lifestyle and to the other flock members. At some point I am going to have to move them into the main coop at night, but right now I'm content to just let my two flocks mingle in daylight hours.

One disturbing/sad thing happened today. My parents had the money stolen from their veggie stand honor box. And the thief also took a single red pepper out of a basket, just for _____ (giggles, spite, what?). My parents had been keeping it stocked with about $15 in small bills for change, and some louse walked with their petty cash today. Obviously, it's not a much money, but it doesn't do much to bolster my faith in people. Who would stop in someone's driveway, take a red pepper, and then steal their cash? It's an HONOR system!!! As the saying goes, there is no honor amongst thieves.

I never leave any extra cash in my egg box, because I don't want to deal with that issue. Incorrect change just means that they have to come back later to buy eggs. That said, three times now I have gotten a $5 bill for my $3 eggs. I had been thinking how good people really are, and then my poor parents get ripped off? Sad.

So, today I went to see my local legal team to sign some paperwork, and that took quite a while, but hopefully I'll have a little bit of a legal lull for a few days because I could really use one.

Tomorrow I am going to have a root canal! YEAH! and I'm only being slightly sarcastic. This is a tooth with a very old root canal that abscessed about 6 weeks ago. It's bee quiescent lately since I've been on so many antibiotics, but I know that they are just a band-aid for the real problem. I can feel it threatening to blow up again almost every day, so I'll be glad to get it over with.

Sorry to be a Debbie Downer lately. I'm just tired of everything lately, and am glad that I can vent a bit here. Thanks for putting up with me. Even if no one has the patience to read all of this, it helps me to type it out somewhere. I can't help but think that everyone around me must just be wondering when I'm going to just get over it all already. I don't want to court compassion fatigue, so I try to keep all of this blah-ness under wraps around other people as best I can.

Hope that it's been a good sort of day for everyone here, particularly my DB pals. I'm sorry that I haven't been a lot of use lately. I'm trying, but I'm just kind of keeping my nose above water again lately. No real lows, but no real highs, either. Maybe another reason to try to decrease the Prozac dosage?

It's way, way past time for bed around here, given that it's 4:30 now. Good night.

[Phoebe]

SH, I missed your post before I submitted mine. Thank you for continuing to check in on me. I've been OK, and I love being called a busy little bee. I can't wait to start keeping bees next year. : )

Busy bee sounds better than bogged down bee...

I am sorry to be so incredibly behind on what's happening in your world. I'm not doing very well at keeping up with my own. Today I was so exhausted that I crashed in L-friend's office while he was working, planning to go biking with him after he finished up. He came in to let me know he was finished, and he couldn't even wake me up. And i'm a light sleeper! Now he didn't shake me or anything, because he knew I needed the rest, but he did go out of his way to make noise with the doors, and to call my name.

So... he biked alone, and I missed a chance to get in some healing exercise. That would have been OK if I'd been able to keep sleeping. Instead, there was a local power failure, and when all the fans in the building shut down, THAT woke me up. I ended up sitting in my car, rather than sit in an empty, powerless office building by myself with only the light of an emergency exit sign. It was strange and vaguely creepy.

I went out for a neighborhood driving tour to check out how widespread the outage was, and it was only a single stoplight and the strip mall complex that had any issue. There were power company repair trucks driving all over, round and round, shining spotlights along every wire, looking for the cause of the outage. It took two large box stores offline, so you can bet that their management was on the power company's case about lost sales. I think the power went out around 6:30, and it was still off after midnight. By that time, the work crews were opening up every outdoor transformer in the whole area, looking for the source of the problem.

Anyway, now I really need to get off to bed. It's nearly 5 am. Sigh. Why, oh why do I do this...

[Painter]

Phoebe, it sounds like you need to take some time out for yourself. I wonder if your activity level is a little frantic?

Here's what I would do - get a massage or reflexology treatment late in the afternoon. Go home and take an Epsom salt bath and curl up with a book and a cup of warm milk. Listen to soothing meditation music. Then read yourself to sleep with white noise (fan?) running so you won't get woken up by noises. Keep your bedroom cool for better sleep.

If you try it, let me know if it works!

[Phoebe]

Just me again. I had a really good day today. Maybe because I knew I didn't need to do anything with the D Paperwork today. It was like a much-needed vacation day.

I got a few hours of sleep, then just decided to lay there in my comfy warm bed for a while and just take some time to relax. I caught up on the news, texted with friends, checked email, and generally was a lazy critter. It was lovely.

This afternoon I had a repeat root canal on a tooth that abscessed a few weeks ago. I find the whole root canal process strangely soothing - leisurely chatting with a great dentist that I've known a long time, a friendly dental assistant, the familiarity of being in a dental chair, watching a skilled practitioner perform a complicated procedure with ease. It's cool. I know that sounds weird, but I have literally had hundreds of dental appointments in my life, and being there again just felt normal. It's one of the few things that haven't changed since WH disappeared.

I came out of the office in an oddly good mood. Afterward, I went slong in the boat while a couple friends were waterskiing (one was l-friend), and then I came home to care for my flocks and kitties.

I've somehow managed to book the rest of my week already. When I saw my therapist yesterday, my only definite plan for the whole week was my dental visit!!!

Tomorrow I have to get some medical results in the late afternoon, then im headed to an Audubon meeting in the evening. Thursday I am spending the day helping a friend get ready for a big garage sale during the day, and then it's my usual Thursday girls' night out with my Mom (Weight Watchers, etc.). Friday I am spending the afternoon with H-friend, picking raspberries and/or hiking, and then I am going to a ski show with L-friend in the evening.

I haven't skied in years and I think that this might be a good time for me to rediscover something I used to enjoy. L-friend used to be a ski instructor, and still races downhill, so it's as good a year as any to try skiing again.

I'm missing my ice skating, but haven't been able to get back to the rink in weeks. I'm aiming to get back on the ice next week.

So, the GALing continues. I'm spending time with a number of people, and I've been trying to find a bit more balance in the last couple weeks, with more time on my farm.

I think that it's just about time to contact a clinician I met about 10 days ago in regards to doing some per diem work at a local clinic. It might be a good way to dip back into my profession without any long-term commitment. I'm still thinking about it. My hands have been shakier again of late, which is a bit disappointing, but they're still much better than they were for the first 6 months after H ran away, so i think that doing surgery might be an option again.

Good night to everyone. I hope it's been a healing day.

[Phoebe]

Painter, I was typing away while you posted. Thank you for checking in on me! Yes, things are certainly busy in my world, but time away from the D process felt like a pure vacation today. And today truly was pretty calm. I'm going to try to hit the hay earlier tonight.

Given that every night I've been up stupidly late recently was because j was working on D stuff, I'm hoping that I can get back to a better sleep pattern now that I've got a break on that front for a couple days. I sleep with a fan on me every night, as well as with an air-conditioner running, so I've got that much going for me.

The bigger problem is getting myself into bed to actually sleep! Lately, I just haven't been doing so in an extreme fashion! My Dad chided me for staying up all night and sleeping in the daytime. Would that it were so simple. I would much rather be awake all day and sleep like a normal person, but I'm just not tired some days, and lying there tossing and turning in the dark is worse than staying up.

Tonight I tried to watch Hail, Ceasar!, but I ended up pretty much ignoring it altogether and just hanging around here in DB land, instead. It wasn't much of s a movie, unfortunately.

Good night, again.