WHs do come back--Piecing--acceptance & time

[BluWave]

Sara,

Hello. I have read some of your threads and posts as well. You are without a doubt very bright, strong, and have excellent insight into your sitch and others. I admire you, sister.

Your sitch is different in that your H is back but is still grieving loss of OW correct? Is there any chance he is still in contact with her? Is he willing to do whatever it takes to make the M work? Transparency? MC?

My H had an ea, we split, then he turned fully to R with OW for about 10 months and was a complete mess, even tried to leave her, but never fully came back, their R had to fizzle out and die a natural death.

Then he did a sharp 180 and was back. Since he has been back (16 months now), he has had no interest in her, talking about her, or even thinking about her. He regrets it and sees that he only turned to her to escape and not have to work on himself and the M. It sounds like your M is still far from that, correct?

So I do not know how I would cope with him still fantasizing about OW. It would disturb me and I would naturally exit conversation, pull back, and show him I don't stand for any of that BS. If it happened now, I would be done. Even this far into piecing I still have some reservations about him and the M. We have a stable M, but It takes time to reconnect and feel in love again!

Sorry, this is not very helpful I think. I just can't imagine the insult to injury these comments must cause you! If H said that in the beginning I think I would go back to DB, tell him to let me know when he feels differently, then go very dim or even dark. How would that work in your sitch? Has he ever truly experienced the loss of you and the family?

-Blu

[PsySara]

Hi Blu,
Thank you so much for giving such a well thought out and candid response. My WH works in another state and comes home every few weeks to spend a week here. The OW used to work at WH's workplace but quit when I exposed the affair to her parents. The irony is they resumed their R the following month and then it died a natural death within 4 weeks. Since then WH has been pining away for her, even mentioned wanting to talk to her and demand an answer for "breaking trust" with him and not warning him before cutting him off. (I know, I know, the irony, right?) But she blocked him and he doesn't even know where she moved after relocating.

I did go very dim/dark early on in DBing (unbeknownst to me the affair had resumed) and WH used this as an excuse later to justify jumping back in the affair. Verbally my WH has said he wants to piece but the actions are still that of someone in the fog. Are they in contact? My gut says no but then they did buy a secret cell phone during the April affair so who knows. HE attended 1 IC session and the counselor recommended against MCing at this time. Later she told me he still does not appear motivated to come back to the M and is still grieving the loss of the OW. I think I just answered my own question, he can't piece if his head (and heart) are not in the marriage. I have access to his phone, email, Friend Finder app but it could all be for nought since I had this access while he was in the April affair. Until he moves home I am in limbo, I can't trust him and verify his words. Initially he was to move to my place in April, it got delayed to October...a few days ago he said maybe not until December. But his email reflects that he may be able to move home in about 7 weeks. For now I am sitting back and waiting to see what he DOES instead of listening to his words. And you're right, we are not piecing and I am back to DBing.

[Coly23]

(((Blu))), thank you so much for your advice on here and for your advice on my own thread. I have gone dark since last Wednesday except for a text I had to send him about helping out with transport for D's work experience in September. Again his message about how unimportant I am to him was very loud and clear as he didn't respond for 4 hours!! Since then nothing...

How is everything going with you? I pray that one day I can be in your position, but at the moment it all seems do hopeless.... 😢

[SH_]

(((SH)))

Solid Heart, your words are solid and your heart is gold! You inspire me to keep DBing even tho I am technically piecing. I try and see DB as a way of life and I am no where near mastery!

Your thread has me thinking a lot this evening and I thank you. I will not hijack your thread but I am thinking a lot about how being an introvert (H) vs extrovert (me) leads to communication problems and to some extent the breakdown of our M in the past. Perhaps we all should explore that in our own sitch and what we can and cannot control.

More later.

-Blu

Blu,

I love that you dropped by my pad and offered to chat and I appreciate your kind words.

I would be honored to chat with an introspective person such as yourself as it relates to this topic.
I could use the wisdom that you possess to unwind some of the knots I have in my being for this.

I sense a frustration from you in some of your recent posts to others where they seem to be stuck and blowing off sound advice for progress in exchange for carrying on with the things they are doing.

Maybe some chat about your sitch or this topic can benefit you.
Mastery comes from learning, practice, mistakes and doing it all over again.
You deserve the opportunity to grow and progress as much as any other here.
And you are in a place to do so as you are looking within and that is the time to strike while the iron is hot and the heart and mind are willing to stare each other down for final supremacy........
Well that sound more dramatic in my mind than it actually came out.

(((((BluWave)))))

PS, love the Solid Heart.......

[BluWave]

(((SH)))You flatter me so! (blush)

Thank you for posting. My thread was getting dusty back there! I appreciate you encouraging me to post about my sitch, and honestly I often don't because I recognize that I am where a lot of folks can only hope to be. That does make it difficult to "complain" so to speak. I am also working on accepting where I am at, even if it doesn't always feel right.

I can relate to a lot of what Lim and Stormchaser post. There are stages of piecing and I am just figuring them out as I go along and trying to accept the process. If it were not for this site, I am not sure I would be hanging in there to be honest.

Here are the stages I have experienced thus far:

- Initial overwhelming relief (short lived)
- Anxiety rapid cylcing with relief and frequent moments of extreme sadness
(Put back on weight loss in the first year)
- The longest stage has been anger and disbelief
- Somewhere 12-18 months I settled into acceptance of what happened and apathy
- Now I have reached a high level of detachment

I never reached detachment while we were separated or in the beginning of piecing. Perhaps that is where some of my frustration with others stems from. Hindsight is 20-20 and I suffered tremendously by holding on to H and hope so tightly. It wasn't until I let him go, found some strength and confidence, that he started to miss me and what we had.

Right now I feel fine. My life is relatively normal and calm. I don't know what will happen with my M in the long run. I do not have much motivation to work on things at the moment. I am okay with that too. I know H isn't going anywhere and in some ways I think he is waiting and hoping for me to come around more.

We will see. I am just trying to have faith in the process that I will feel differently over time. People and feelings are ever changing. I am focusing on me, my family, work, and just living life without extreme emotions. Those emotions can take over and become toxic.

-Blu

[Coly23]

Hey Blu, sounds like Piecing is even more exhausting! You sound a little down in your post especially when you say you dont know what will happen to your marriage in the long run. I guess no one knows this but it does frighten me if H did want to R that I may not be able to forget the pain he has caused me.

However I'm starting to slowly get what you mean about holding on to H and too much hope. I am so scared to let go in case I stop loving him and this is still a worry for me. But I am much better now after all the 2x4's I got a little while ago but I am now at the stage where I think if he came back now I really wouldn't know how to react!

Please don't feel like you can't post on your own thread because your are piecing. You give us all so much hope and something to hold on to. We welcome all you advice and 2x4's its exactly what we (I) need!

[BluWave]

Thanks, Coly, that is nice of you to say.

I am not down at all. I have realized that my H and my M are not the only important things in life. This has been a silver lining and can be for us all. I completely lost sight of that for years with all the heart ache and codependency that evolved. There are so many other things and people that deserve my attention and love.

I cannot go back and relive my sitch, and nor would I want to, but I do see how I could have done things much better. I caused myself more pain and angst and I suffered tremendously while H was gone! I focused so much on him, what he was doing, and if he would come back. This is the reason that I give out 2*4s and try to get others to stop focusing on their spouse--it doesn't help and it only hurts! It also hurts their chance of the spouse returning because they lose respect for someone they can walk all over and that is sitting there waiting.

I don't think you need to worry if you would ever take him back forgive him at this point. I thought about that a lot too. There is not way to know now how you will feel if and when that happens. It is will depend very much on his behavior and commitment to the M.

-Blu

[Coconut]

I don't think you need to worry if you would ever take him back forgive him at this point. I thought about that a lot too. There is not way to know now how you will feel if and when that happens. It is will depend very much on his behavior and commitment to the M.

-Blu

yep, that resonates with me.. I think I often ask myself if I would want her back, and I'm not sure why I do it. I realize that feelings can change on a dime, so I doubt that I would even be able to decide what I would do now if that was to happen in the future.

Now I look at my W and I really don't even recognize who she is, not only is her personality like a whole new person, but she's lost probably 25% of her body weight, she was weighing around 130 and now I doubt she's even 100lbs, she went from a size 8 to a size 1, so I don't even recognize her physically. For the first time ever, I can honestly say that I don't even find her attractive when I look or think of her.

ok, I'm rambling, but I wanted to say hi blu...

[Coly23]

Coconut, I saw my H at a funeral on Friday and he was like a total stranger to me ingis behaviour. Although completely opposite to your W losing weight as he seems to have put tons on! I still fancy him though - rubbish!!

Blu - I guess we are going to feel different things every day so you are right I can't base how I will feel when and if R happens on how I feel today...

[SH_]

All the talk about feelings and fear of loseing love........

Might I encourage everyone to research the difference between emotions and feelings?
Just google it if you are not sure what books may provide knowledge for you.

I don't think feelings change.....
Because feelings are a choice of response to an emotion.
An emotion is a built in protection system for humans

Understanding these 2 things can provide the knowledge for better habits which in turn will give each of us the power to be the person we want to be.....
Simple, right??

Well, simple maybe, easy not so much.....
But knowledge, then action, then good habits, then.....

Then calm and peace will be experienced in spite of any challenges around you.