Agree with all of you. When the interaction is nothing but spew it becomes physically exhausting. On the day or days that you go w/o talking to them it's still demoralizing but at least you don't emotionally and physically drain yourself dealing w/ their emotional ups and downs.
Cheesyt, you do sound like you're doing well with your situation. Glad ya'll are still doing the pokemon stuff. Ours has waned slightly, but it's been taken over by D wanting to go fishing again. A great tradeoff in my opinion! I expect D to get back on the pokemon train soon though. Many gyms to be conquered. Keep it up Cheesyt!
Me39 M11 : T13 D9 BD 5/31/16 In House S until 6/21/17 Divorced 10/5/18
what a day. Had a lovely evening with D after a rough start. D was being a brat. Was upset that I took her to Target to get multiplication and division flash cards and told her every time I saw her we would practice them. then picked up the pottery we painted. it was almost 6 and w said she'd be home by then, texted me- are you home w - in a while me - you said 530/6 w - yeah. you can take her home. I'll be there in a while. Have her call me when you drop her off. me- I'm not going to leave her alone. Next time please let me know if you change your plans. thanks.
We drive home, W calls D on her cell, D doesn't answer. Get a text from W have her call me. I call from my phone hand phone over to D. W tells her to go across the street when I drop her off that the neighbor will watch her. I take the phone and say "why does she have to go across the street I'm right here" w flies off the handle. emotional, screaming, telling me I'm rushing her. That she always feels rushed with me. W states she got a call that something she needed went on sale somewhere so she and her friend came, then immediately W said me and "friends name" are here. (not sure why she felt the need to explain who she was with or where or why for that matter but she did) I said please listen, w said I'm listening, I told W I understood it was last minute. I said i thought she would be home W interrupted with "you never want to be home when I'm there and now you don't want to be home without me" W sounded pissed by now. I repeated Please listen, I don't want you to think I'm invading your space. I am here until agreed time, I said next time please just let me know can you do that? W was silent and I repeated please listen to what I am actually saying. W said yes I can do that. I said have a good time shopping bye. and we hung up. 20 mins later I get a text w- there is chicken salad in the fridge, help yourself. I didn't reply. D and I went for a walk. D is frustrated my phone doesn't work and wont pick up gps signal so we cant pokemon (D says I need a new one) W texts me when she is 5 min out so we walk home. I went straight upstairs to use the restroom, come out, W on her phone serving herself dinner. W does not look good. W looks like she may have been crying, not sure. she looks tired, hair is all messy, sad. Just not good. Generally she's got her hair done, make up, earrings, nice clothes. not today. I say hi to W then I walk over to D say bye, pick up my stuff, W rushed over by me, I though she wanted to chat or a hug but keeps walking by, I head down the stairs and I said "thank you for the chicken salad it was very good" W says "yep, bye" that was it. Not sure what is up with W. woman are strange. W seems upset I don't want to be around her. My friend told me to leave her behavior to the wayward wife and not think anything of it. That is what I will do. I feel ok. W did not throw me off my mood. For once, I believe. Not sure though. Definitely feels like I should not be pissing W off. Luckily It's easier to make it one more day when my real W doesn't appear, and these past two interactions she was nowhere in sight. Makes my life easier to some extent.
Cheesyt, put yourself in W's shoes. She's about to graduate, that's both a victory and a loss. New job? Marriage up in the air. D loves you and W knows it. She knows you're good for D. But W is confused. Doesn't know what she wants.
IMHO, next time don't engage with her in this back and forth about what time, where, etc. Think of a way to cut it short. Very short. Don't plead with her to listen. Say what you need to say, calmly -- very calmly. If she flies off the handle, listen. Listen. Listen. Then if what she says isn't something you agree with, like in this situation, say what you need to say and be firm. "I would like to keep D with me until you get home. Text me when you get there and I'll drop her off."
And IDK if it makes a difference, but maybe you don't eat the food and thank her for it. Maybe you're just so busy? Maybe you aren't hungry because you are about to have or just had dinner with a friend?
Again, IMHO, the important thing here is to never, ever let it dissolve into a scene where she gets emotional. And if she does, let her rant and rave, listen listen listen, be calm and firm. Remember, you get to decide things too. You are a co-parent. You don't have to always do what W says about D. Calm and firm. Stand up for yourself. Calm and firm. Don't challenge when you don't need to. And if you agree with what she suggests, acknowledge that it's a good plan and stick with it. But if plans/times change, just go with the flow. You two seem to bicker a lot over what time things are supposed to happen. Be very careful to adhere to the times you've agreed to with picking up D, etc. But if W changes the time, like last night, just go with it. No questions asked. You're too busy with your own life, right?
And remember, no begging her to "just listen". Say what you need to say, and move on. Keep it short and sweet. You're in charge of your own life, not her.
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
NyGal! thank you for your response. It's nice to hear how other perceive the situation. you're right, we bicker over time and things. I've been adhering to all my scheduled dates and times. I feel like she's waiting and expecting me to drop the ball, It's disappointing because I've never really dropped the ball when it comes to D. I don't see how my request was unreasonable, however I do see the benefit of not asking when she'd be home cus D and I are too busy. calm and firm. I will keep that in mind! thank you!!!
had a rough night last night. roommate came home really late, around 11pm. (I watched her daughters) since I am under the kitchen / living room so it gets really noisy with the walking around. Roommate was cleaning kitchen and getting work done. This impedes me from sleeping, as I am a light sleeper. Not only that, the girls wake up around 6am which means I wake up because they literally run from one end to the other. I was tired, crabby, got emotional I just wanted to sleep. I haven't been sleeping super well, yes even with a bed. the thoughts that went through my head were more or less... why do I have to have it difficult. I'm not the one that walked away from my M. I can't sleep, I sleep on a couch (at least did for 5 months) W has a nice expensive bed (we purchased about a year ago) W never has trouble sleeping, hard sleeper, can literally fall asleep anywhere within 5 min. Just wondering why I got the short end of the stick. thennnnn this morning get a text W-morning. you'll be picking D up and taking to soccer correct? me- morning yes I'm taking D to her first soccer game tomorrow b/c W has school. W- so i'm in class 10-4 then we are planning to go somewhere after. would you like to keep her til i'm done? or should i let the neighbor know that you will drop her off" me - i'd be happy to spend all day with her.
first this along with everything today rubs me the wrong way. she has NO complications. free sitters. all the time. everyone helps her out. "single mother" pisses me off!!!! when we were together I had to pay for a sitter. I worked my tail off for them and she just gets rid of me and gets stuff handed to her. She's going on this vacation with D and her friends, She is living a good life despite no income (how? IDK!) I'm almost jealous, her life is certainly better without me. and i'm left with nothing. WTF. I'm so hurt and angry. I'm balancing GAL and Work and school and living without MY family / the future WE had planned.
how is this fair?! I'm sooooo tired, physically, emotionally and mentally exhausted.. I want to run away. I hate this. Why does it feel like I'm the one got screwed? I'm trying my VERY BEST day in and day out. And no matter what I find myself in this hole. This needs to be over. Idk how much longer I can take.
ouch. went on amazon for something. W bought some stuff for OW. confirmed. Facebook stalked this lady. Pictures of her in MY house. hurt. pain. sad. wth...when will this end?!
Ugh....I'm sorry cheesyt!! Your W is a fool!!! I know you want to be there for D but it sounds like she is doing everything she wants...I don't know what advice to give you since my W is living with OW....just know everyone is here to support you!
W:42 M:48 T:9 yrs M:1yr BD: Feb 2016 EA Confirmed: Feb 2016/PA July 2016 D: Feb 2017
Hawker is right. Your W is a fool. She doesn't know what she is missing with you cheesyt.
I wouldn't read too much into your Ws situation though. There could be any number of not so great things going on there that you don't know about cheesyt. You just don't know, so no point in dwelling on it.
On the Amazon stuff, setup an account that's not a shared one with your W. I did this bc I got tired of seeing the underwear my WW was ordering as well as having recommendations for even sluttier underwear thrown in my face at work when I'd order something. There's an option to share the prime but have a whole different account. I think it's Amazon household maybe. Let me know if you can't find it.
Hang in there cheesyt. Remember this isnt about your W, this is about you and your D. Your W is on her own path. Be the best cheesyt you can be. You are an awesome person and a great friend to all of us! We all know how amazing you are cheesyt. We are all here to support you too!
Me39 M11 : T13 D9 BD 5/31/16 In House S until 6/21/17 Divorced 10/5/18
lt0402 - yes, I need to start separating everything. [censored] that it comes to this.
hawker thank you for your kind words!
journaling - had a great day. I was doing some sitting for two kids really early, then picked D up for first soccer game. W met us outside and let me borrow her lawn chair. D came into my car with two breakfast sandwiches (D claims W was making one for me but ran out of time). W did not look good. D claims it was because W had to miss her game. Feeling some sort of way I texted W - I know not being here must be hard for you as it's her first game. I want to know what I can do to help that be a little less hard. Would you like pics as I take them or all at the end? - W never replied. W was NOT at school yet so Idk why she didn't reply. whatever. Soccer game was great, D made a goal. and her team won. D did great. Then we went to a park. Headed back to the house for lunch. D made us mac n cheese. Then I let the kids go into the hot tub. then D "watched" the boys while I got some homework done. Around 6pm The boys' father got home and D and I went downtown for dinner, met one of my friends. then walked around and got ice cream and visited a few shops. 8pm and no word from W. D states she would like to spend the night. I told her we could check with W once W called. 9.15 W finally texts "on my way be there in 30" I called w asked where? W said "my house" augh she usually says "ours" or "the" whatever. I told her we weren't there (thinking about it W really expected us or me to go to her house and wait around like I have no life? or nothing to do? wth) so W said she'd come get here where I'm at I paused and said "well.." and W said does she not want to come? I said no she wants to stay. W asked to speak to D. I heard on my end "no. I want to stay" "watching a show" "she's doing stuff here" "wearing Roommates clothes" "love you too bye". I feel good because D actually wants to spend time with me. In the past this was a struggle because I was the primary care taker for D she'd often not want to be around me or "preferred" w because she saw her so seldom. That didn't help my "bad parenting" case. Tomorrow I already had plans to meet with MIL for breakfast then to the store to look at sheds. MIL needs a shed, I offered to build it, as this is a normal thing I would do anyway. MIL only has W and myself. D can grab clothes from MIL's. After we are going to a festival here in town, then we will head home for family game night and dinner. I don't know that I feel anything really..All 3 of us will be out tomorrow morning and W? well she will be in her world.
Discovered OW may not be OW but sketchy because of the gifts, the pictures in our house, she looks like a man, her lighter and charger on my side of the bed, and her gum (to quit smoking) on my side of the bed as well.
D mentioned how POW (possible OW) drinks a lot, comes over a lot, smokes a lot, is trying to quit. It came up in conversation because D was telling me idk something about smoking and how W's friends smoke a lot. Will not make anything of it but we will run into each other on grad day. I will look amazing, I will hold my head high, I will smile and continue to have good conversations with the rest of her classmates. I will meet POW and I will be the best cheesyt out there.
Really glad I'm building a better healthier R with D. It literally dawned on me earlier while in the shower. Holy crap she preferred to stay here.
Met with W to exchange our D. Weird AF! It's like on tv where you meet at some neutral place no one talks to one another and an awkward hello is shared. Wtf!!!! This is my life. It's crazyyyyyy
Had an amazing morning with MIL and D. Was helping MIL clean up some tree shed cut down. MIL asked "We were bundling bushes. And MIL said "idk where I went wrong with W she never wants to do yard work" and Then I said "what does she like to do" and MIL said "nothing!" And I said "yeah I guess that's why I did everything, she's going to have to find someone to do all her stuff for her" and she chuckled and said something and i said what and she said no nothing. And wouldn't tell me. I said "well I'm sure she will find someone" and MIL mumbled something along the lines of "no she won't" or "I don't think so" didn't pay much attention. Not thinking anything of it.
W again didn't look good today. I think she was hung over. Or maybe I'm not seeing her as my w anymore and my perception is changing. Regardless the past 3 times she's not looked good. W texted that she forgot about game night and wanted to cancel they had to go grocery shopping. Whatever. Currently sitting at a bar waiting for a friend for a gal activity for the rest of the day.
