3. She did it all by herself, and the consequences are going to be 100% her fault.
You know that she will disagree with this right? In her mind she has painted you as the terrible person who was so difficult to live with that she had no other choice. It is the story the WW tells herself to avoid feeling the guilt of breaking up a family.
Me-45, W-37, T-10 yrs, M-9 yrs D -7 yrs, S-5 yrs BD-5/3/16, D filed 6/8/16
That's the key point. She needs to realize that what she is doing now is a million times worse than what we had before, especially for the kids that she is trying to protect from the evil monster father. Once they realize that, usually that's when they end the MLC and come back to their senses.
-'Get over it' (Thanks pal, and yeah I’m trying. Next time your world comes crashing down I’ll make sure to give you the same advice) -'Just give it time' (I’m so deep in it right now, this advice is almost meaningless) -‘I’m sorry’ (Followed by uncomfortable silence)
Sometimes I talk to other people in the same situation. They’re basically not listening, or they give me one of the above lines. Or they start talking about their own situation, which tends to make me feel bad too - and then I parrot back one of the above lines to them.
So let it out here...
Amongst people who actually understand what you are feeling and going through...
You do realize that anger is a stage of healing....right ?
basically what it comes down to from what you said above, is that nothing makes anything feel better, only worse right now, when you discuss it or others discuss their situations.
And that makes total sense. When I get down about something, I kind like to keep to myself. When I am grieving something and don't want to hear the expected responses because I know they won't make feel any better at the time, I keep to myself.
You are grieving. You are going through a very normal process. Do it the way it feels right for you.
There is nothing to grieve, nobody died. In other countries spouses argue a lot more than in the US and they stay together, they don't file for divorce. Many women file for divorce here in the US because they want to change their spouse but don't want to argue with them. If you stand still and make her understand that this is not the way to solve problems, eventually she will get the message.
"2. I am not going to allow the kids to become mentally ill from all of this." MLC is not a mental illness.
3. She did it all by herself, and the consequences are going to be 100% her fault." The situation should never be seen as all consequences being bad. It's something that the spouse feels they have to do. Like it or not, it's part of their growth.
qtx411, I get the raw emotion you're feeling right now. We all do. It is too early for you to understand that, but you will find your options opening up in all areas of your personal life.
There are many relationships that succeed. We are just the unfortunate few who didnt' get one. I hope one day you don't let this moment define you. Fall down 9 times, get up 10.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Maybe there's such a thing as love - but the 'happily ever after' love we're sold on since we are kids, that just does not exist, it is a fairy tale. For sure marriage as an institution is a joke, it is a sham kept alive by the government, by religion, by jewelers and greeting card companies, what have you. It is a society sanctioned way to promote having babies and buying into lifestyle of being an obedient tax payer.
What about the vows we took? The vows were for when we had problems like this, so we would have to work out our problems and stay together. But when the going gets tough she is just out the door without even going to counseling, and I'm slapped with divorce papers and her lawyers are coming for half my money. I guess everything was just a joke to her. And it is so easy for her to make all these profound life changing decisions not just for herself, but for me, and for our two kids.
I disagree that the "happily ever after" love doesnt exist. It just takes a lot more continued work than any of us ever imagined.
I was married in my early 20s. I pictured that I was set for life with my partner. As long as I didnt do "the unmentionable" things, then we'd figure out a way. But the thing was that our definition of what was unacceptable in a marriage was different. I wasnt a drunk, I wasnt abusive, I was always employed, I never cheated, etc. But I wasnt as supportive as I should have been. I wasnt as present of a parent as I should have been. I didnt make my love for my ex clear. And, so, the rug got pulled out from under me.
With all of that, I dont think it was the "marriage" that was a sham. I dont think that because that marriage failed, I should never get married. I can think of many benefits that I had because of being married. The problem wasnt with society, it was with me...I didnt know HOW TO BE MARRIED. Yes, if it were more difficult to be divorced, I would probably still be married now. But I live in a no-fault state. Always have. So, if my ex woke up one day and didnt want to be married, there wasnt anything I could really do about it. I made the choice every day to remain married, but one day my ex didnt. Sure, there were factors out of my control, but I didnt do what I needed to in order to ensure that both of us were continuing to wake up every day choosing to maintain the marriage.
People generally fall into one of several categories:
-'Get over it' (Thanks pal, and yeah I’m trying. Next time your world comes crashing down I’ll make sure to give you the same advice) -'Just give it time' (I’m so deep in it right now, this advice is almost meaningless) -‘I’m sorry’ (Followed by uncomfortable silence)
How about the ones who say:
Fix yourself and you have a chance? Or do you like the sorry types better?
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
I disagree that the "happily ever after" love doesnt exist. It just takes a lot more continued work than any of us ever imagined.
Yeah I guess the story sold to us is not that this type of love does not exist, but that it would be so easy to stay in the marriage. It's difficult to stay in the marriage. Because the divorce laws in our country make it easy to take the easy way out, there are no consequences for not staying in the marriage and making it work. Sometimes there is even financial incentive, or a revenge incentive, to leave.
Me-45, W-37, T-10 yrs, M-9 yrs D -7 yrs, S-5 yrs BD-5/3/16, D filed 6/8/16
