Detachment and the end of limbo, sort of...too

[Painter]

Hi Phoebe,

I'm sorry L-friend let you down last night, and I'm glad you made it home okay and got a lot of sleep. That is a good sign.

I'm not sure what I think about the situation with L-friend. I think he could have invited you to stay over at his place since you expressed concern about driving home, but he was probably not at his best (I think you said he's struggling with some issues of his own?) - and I can't help thinking about how it must feel for him to see you grieve over another man (however natural that is for you to do now). It might be tricky - and probably one of the reasons why it's not always a great idea to go into a new R before you're done processing the feelings from the old R.

Anyway, I wouldn't necessarily take his reaction as a sign of not caring - maybe actually the opposite.

[Sotto]

Hi Phoebe, I'm glad you got a good night's sleep...that always helps.

Painter, that's an insightful post and food for thought..

Take care and hope today is a better one.

xx

[Phoebe]

You are absolutely right, Painter, and thank you for that take on things. All of those were the reason I was trying to avoid getting myself into this kind of situation.

Today was resoundingly... meh. Not particularly good, not particularly bad. I guess I was feeling pretty ambivalent most of the day.

I did do one things that was purely fun, and that was to take a trio of monarch caterpillars and deliver them to my H-friend after my therapist appointment. She's as excited about watching them go from caterpillar to chrysalis to butterfly as I am, so it was really nice to be able to share them with her. I haven't raised any in about 10 years, so I'm super excited. I already have my first chrysalis, and she will probably have one by morning. They are gorgeous - little shiny green objects with perfect bright dots of metallic gold dotted in a line across the top and a couple more dots on the bottom. On the day that they will emerge as butterflies, the green chrysalis turns clear. Well, it turns clear, but it looks like it turns black because you can see the butterfly inside and it looks all black at first until the wings expand.

Anyway, it's truly a fascinating little project and I recommend it to anyone, with or without kids in the house, and being able to share that with her was the highlight of my day.

Beyond that, I had to talk to l-freind about last night and it was OK. He gets it, but it damaged some of my trust in him, I think. I don't think he understood exactly what I was saying. I was certainly saying that I was more than just upset about how my day was going.

[SH_]

Phoebe,

Oh how your update last night breaks my heart.

I wish I could stay up and just talk with you.

But it is late and I have had this thought since you first mentioned the (more than) friendship with the L friend.
Your update and permission to share my thoughts as I sit at your table inspire me to share now.



Would you step away form the L friend for a set period of time, say a month, to give space for both of you?
This will test the boundaries and intentions of the relationship. It will provide a clear indication to you and him of what your needs and wants are.

Awesome. Really. His sleep was more important than my safety. that is going to be very hard to forget and forgive.

This indicates that the lines you may be convincing yourself and us that are in place may not be as clear as you would hope.
Your emotions and logic are in direct conflict with this.

Again, the advice to avoid relationships such as these so early as the emotional baggage should be better called emotional bombs.
Painter is correct in that he may be conflicted watching you struggle with the emotions of your H and sitch.
You know he has his own baggage.
This does not create a healthy mix for things.

Anyway,, I will leave it at that so as not to say something stupid or insensitive.....

But please consider stepping away for a bit.
You will know soon enough if you have withdrawal symptoms, as it still appears you need comfort and may be seeking in a place that is not healthy now.
And you will be able to separate the logic and emotion by taking the leave of absence.
One does not want to get off on the wrong foot in a new relationship, because messy is the last thing you need for a while.

I do hope you sleep well again and that you can have upbeat day tomorrow with fun and sound social connections.

BIG HUGS to my super awesome chicken lady with pencil smiles and some chocolate and F* This meditations.

((((((((((Phoebe))))))))))

[Phoebe]

I'm OK, SH. No broken hearts required on my behalf.

Apparently I'm getting pretty good at forgetting and forgiving. Things are back to normal with L-friend. Last night I was having a really crummy evening and just tapped out whatever was on my mind. I regret writing that line you quoted, but I set it free in the world and I can't pull it back.

Today was really vary blah, and included yet another person asking me a MR-related question about myself. This person was kind of complaining about his 17 year anniversary tonight and wondering if I knew where he was coming from. He asked if I'd ever been married. I hesitated, and then he asked if I was still married, which was even more awkward because I was out on a boat with him and l-friend. Ummmm. Yes to both questions, technically. I did say that I loved being married, however, in answer to his wondering about my feelings about marriage, in general.

Regardless, it reminded me again of my MR disaster for the second night in a row, and that it is still an ongoing process, when all I really want is to be living my own life now. Yes, I'm still married, but quite far into a pretty grim divorce, and I just don't feel married any longer. I stood for my M the best I could until WH made it abundantly clear that he was finished. His fantasy life for the last few years was to be divorced, and he made that happen. It wasn't my choice to end our M, but it IS my choice to go on living.

After I talked to l-friend about last night, the evening got a lot better.

You are 100% right, however SH. The boundaries we agreed to are smudged, and/or have gone missing altogether. Was it too soon to be in a R? Absolutely. Do I regret it? Honestly - no, I really don't. Maybe I will, but not right now. My therapist calls it a transitional relationship for both of us, and says that it is possible for that to benefit both of us if we are able to keep our communication open and honest. I hope that turns out to be the case.

No matter what else happens, I just plain feel like myself again a lot of the time. Not a shell of myself like I felt before, but the real me. That's not because of l-friend, or because he makes me forget the reality of my situation, but rather because my time with him has reminded me that there are other people out there besides WH with whom I can be compatible.

I talked to l-friend about how he it seems that he is theoretically able to understand my grief, but less able to deal with actually seeing it. He said that was probably an accurate assessment.

Today, while being kind of blah, ended well enough, so I'm pleased overall. I got my final revisions done on my two major legal documents, so I made appreciable progress. I still have the final net worth statement to hammer out, but that's purely formatting nonsense, and all the information is already written down and ready to go.

I don't know that I am willing to take a month off from l-friend, SH, but I will certainly take your thoughts into consideration.

Well, I'm too tired to think any longer, so I'm going to have to call it a night. SH, I will keep gong on this thought train when I'm a bitter rested.

Goodnight to all my lovelies!

[Phoebe]

Pardon the typos. It was late, but they always add a bit of an interesting twist to things.

I am better rested today, not bitter rested.

[SH_]

I'm OK, SH. No broken hearts required on my behalf.

To late, we be friends and when I see you hurt, a tiny crack will always take place in my heart for you.
But it adds character and strength to the old ticker as we heal it up.

I'm getting pretty good at forgetting and forgiving. Things are back to normal with L-friend. Last night I was having a really crummy evening and just tapped out whatever was on my mind. I regret writing that line you quoted, but I set it free in the world and I can't pull it back.

My dear Phoebe.
Don't regret anything that you have done. Regret is for those things that we have not done.
It was in your mind and releasing it is not a bad nor harmful thing. You did it in a safe place.
I do caution you though as the back and forth with your L friend does send up some red flags.
I pray that you are monitoring this in a manner that the back and forth does not start to feel like the norm.
I know you know that is not a healthy relationship in any sense of the word.

Today was really vary blah, and included yet another person asking me a MR-related question about myself. This person was kind of complaining about his 17 year anniversary tonight and wondering if I knew where he was coming from. He asked if I'd ever been married. I hesitated, and then he asked if I was still married, which was even more awkward because I was out on a boat with him and l-friend. Ummmm. Yes to both questions, technically. I did say that I loved being married, however, in answer to his wondering about my feelings about marriage, in general.

I love the blah days. That tends to mean a lack of emotion and is a good place for a moment after the flood of uncontrollable ones.
HA! You should send the complainer of his 17 year anniversary in here for a moment and he would get a good slap around told to knock it off and goenjoy the MR he has.
But you know. Take for granted what you have until it's gone and all.

, it reminded me again of my MR disaster for the second night in a row, and that it is still an ongoing process, when all I really want is to be living my own life now. Yes, I'm still married, but quite far into a pretty grim divorce, and I just don't feel married any longer. I stood for my M the best I could until WH made it abundantly clear that he was finished. His fantasy life for the last few years was to be divorced, and he made that happen. It wasn't my choice to end our M, but it IS my choice to go on living.

Yes, your choice to go on living. That is exactly what you need to do.
And you are doing it.

After I talked to l-friend about last night, the evening got a lot better.

You are 100% right, however SH. The boundaries we agreed to are smudged, and/or have gone missing altogether. Was it too soon to be in a R? Absolutely. Do I regret it? Honestly - no, I really don't. Maybe I will, but not right now. My therapist calls it a transitional relationship for both of us, and says that it is possible for that to benefit both of us if we are able to keep our communication open and honest. I hope that turns out to be the case.

Don't lose sight of boundaries. You know this now.
I still think you are jumping back into the game to soon after such an emotional injury.
But, there are those that do it and it works out, so I will never judge.
I will support you and call out what I see, but you know I support you and will be here for you through the breakdowns of last night and the good times of tomorrow.

Not sure what I think of a "transitional relationship".
Sounds....well.....anyway.
I of course had to seek out info on this as I read this.
Have you looked up the term?
I won't go into what I have read, but I gotta say, I'm not on board with a therapist, um, approving something like this.
Communication is always key. I pray this will be the bond to maintaining the balance for you and for him as well.
Anyway, you are a big girl. And I trust you to be wise and care for your needs.
I'll throw a 2x4 at you only when you are to close to the edge.

No matter what else happens, I just plain feel like myself again a lot of the time. Not a shell of myself like I felt before, but the real me. That's not because of l-friend, or because he makes me forget the reality of my situation, but rather because my time with him has reminded me that there are other people out there besides WH with whom I can be compatible.

Yes, this is true. I still wold encourage that you think about a little time away from it, to truly prove that you have healed up and can live without it. That is a big key for being able to get into a relationship with your eyes wide open.
I still perceive that the timing of you coming out of the funky fog is tied to him.
Kinda like the pain pills after a bad injury. One feels like they are healed up and ready to go, until the don't have the pills.
Only when you can go without the security of it, will you know you truly healed and in a good place for a relationship.
Think on that.
Think big picture.

I talked to l-friend about how he it seems that he is theoretically able to understand my grief, but less able to deal with actually seeing it. He said that was probably an accurate assessment.

Can I just say as a man, I say I understand my D18's breakdowns due to her periods.
Watching it is a whole other thing though.
It's how we men are hard wired.
Not his fault.
He is trying.
Not as easy to do as we say it is.

Today, while being kind of blah, ended well enough, so I'm pleased overall. I got my final revisions done on my two major legal documents, so I made appreciable progress. I still have the final net worth statement to hammer out, but that's purely formatting nonsense, and all the information is already written down and ready to go.

YAY! A blah day and some productivity.
Now that is a win for sure.

I don't know that I am willing to take a month off from l-friend, SH, but I will certainly take your thoughts into consideration.

I hope that you will think on it.
What do you have to lose by trying i?
After the time you pick right up where you left off and all is well, or worse case scenario, you see that maybe you have become attached for reasons that may not help you in the long run.
Even a week or two can help you see with some clarity.
Unhealthy attachment happens while most folks are saying they have it all under control.
The whole, if you love something let it go........
But anyway, I have said my peace, and we don't beat horses around here. They never did us no harm.
I will not bring it up further as I want you to continue to share and not feel any judgement from me nor anyone else.

Well, I'm too tired to think any longer, so I'm going to have to call it a night. SH, I will keep gong on this thought train when I'm a bitter rested.

Goodnight to all my lovelies!

Love the typos.
Adds personality to the posts.
And some fun times interpreting things. LOL

Sleep well my friend.

You are doing well and I love that you are in a good place overall.

(((((Phoebe)))))

[Phoebe]

SH, you are a lovely, lovely person. Thank you for your continued support and concern. Lots to do again today, but I'll be back to journal more tonight. I hope you have a good day today.

[Cherry]

I'm glad a better day followed after your more emotional one. As hard as the emotional days are, I often find the next day is better, like a valve has been released of some bad energy and then I can crack on moving forward in a more productive manner.

You keep looking after you and keeping up with the many many GAL activities, I've said it before and I'll say it again, I get exhausted just reading what you've been up to! The butterfly farm is something my friend suggested to do with s. Only problem is that I am absolutely petrified of the things so I don't think this would be a good activity for me! Eek.

[Altair]

Cherry, you should go! Butterflies have no teeth, and can't possibly bite you! They are beautiful and harmless.