Huddy, no dates in GAL right now for all the reasons already said ... listen to Sotto, Queen of GAL activities ... actually, she's the Goddess of GAL activities ...
For me, I thought about stuff I've wanted to do for a long time and told myself I couldn't for a variety of reasons. The local community ed classes were a great place to start. I did a drop in singing class and now I plan to do some more things in that vein. I grabbed a camera and started to go out more with the intention of taking photos - bird watching ... local fauna ... this led me to a whirlwind trip to Death Valley last spring to see the superbloom and boy was that healing for me! My point is, start small, look locally, don't think about doing stuff with other people so much as think about what YOU would like to explore. Good luck xoxoxo
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Thanks. Just noticed that your BD date is almost the same as mine. No D for me yet though and, to me, she doesn't show any real signs of MLC that are in other threads. She was more 'spinney' when we were in the same house. OK, she's gone for plastic surgery, teeth whitening etc. but I don't see any jumpy behaviour. Maybe because I don't see her every day, but she seems so distant.
W brought kids over today in skinny jeans, high heels, tight top and sunglasses. I can count on one hand the number of times she wore sunnies when we were together. Rubbish day at work and I'm exhausted today. Kids here to keep me sane!
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
I keep being told by my colleagues I should 'move on', but I don't want to. You can see them thinking I'm a muppet for hoping, but having just read the latest 'sticky' post from Jack, that's me, right there, standing for my M!
The funny thing about all those people who say to move on? I always felt like they would be doing exactly what we are doing if this had happened to them.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
I was thinking today, back to when W came out of hospital from her tummy tuck. It got infected, so, she asked if I would take her to hospital. I did, and all was OK. On the way back (should just mention that the kids were there as well and it's the first time she has sat beside me since BD) she asked to go to Tesco (a UK supermarket for my overseas friends!). I said I'd take her (I had no intention of doing her shopping though) and suggested a one near where we used to live.
She snapped back that she'd rather go to one in the next city. I said I didn't want to do that and she said we must as she didn't want to be seen. I asked why, and she just said she had her reasons. I wonder if it was guilt or if she was hoping nobody saw her, ready for her 'reveal' for when school re-opened.
I've been re-reading some homework, and got on to the one about MLC and depression. Before BD, I had noticed that W had become a little distant and sometimes went out of the room to lie in a bedroom on her own. At the time, she said she just wanted a few minutes away from the kids, but of course, looking back, it was probably the start of the depression curve.
I think this is where I made a mistake as I also was aware that W had started down the menopause route and I had been trying to get her to go to the Doctors for help. I also made the classic error of asking her mother and sister for help. Funny how they change sides when the shite hits the fan!
I then look at BD day. It was a Sunday, and I'd been told by a friend that St. John's Wort can help. I went to Tesco and bought a packet. Wow, that stuff is expensive! I came home and gave her it and said I was worried about her and that's where this all started - pow, BD!
I can't get her to get help. That ship has sailed and to try now, I feel, would be a mistake. I don't know why I get so disappointed when I see her. Maybe, I'm just wondering if? Is today the day when she reaches out? Is today the day the fog clears? I wish I had some answers.
Is there a link to menopause and MLC? I have read some non DB pieces on the net, but, nothing specific. It's also worth mentioning that her Mother had a really bad menopause as well. She was early and it was combined with the time my W was being prepared for an 'arranged' marriage by her Father.
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
Ah lovely Huddy - who knows my friend. She may be depressed, menopausal, in MLC, WAW...and we could go here there and everywhere trying to make sense of what she does and says.
Do try and let go of the analytics. Let go of.....might this be the day?? Let her be and live your life....I suggested some more social GAL for you a few posts back....have you given that any thought my friend??
xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
You've tried to help her and you've been basically smacked down. It's evident that she does not want your help. Whatever is going w/her is her problem to deal with now. You can't help her. She has to want to get better and evidently she's happy being stuck in the barrel of health issues.
Huddy, please just leave her be. Nothing you say or do right now will make her see that she needs help. No matter if she's a MLCer, a WAW, menopausal or depression...you can't help her. Just like an addict or alcoholic, they have to help themselves and that generally means hitting bottom.
Huddy, keep the focus on you.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I wasn't going to say anything to her, but just reading the homework over makes me wonder if trying to help made a bad situation worse, before BD. I just keep seeing the reaction of my kids when they come over. My S can't really speak, but he gets anxious and asks for 'Mummy' a lot. My D keeps repeating how much she loves me and tells me how she now wishes, every time she catches a dandelion seed, that we all lived together. She told me she told W that, but couldn't remember what W said.
Anyway, lining up to be a rough week at work, but GAL later in the month.
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
I don't think that trying to help her early on made things worse. It's just aggravated her a bit. But you now have the tools and know not to suggest things to her.
I'm sorry that the children are having a difficult time. You will need to reassure them and love them. Listen to what they tell you and validate their thoughts, concerns and fears. They need to know that you are always going to be there for them.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Yes I would agree that help from the spouse is not what the WAS/MLCer wants. That said, by the time the apparent need for help arose, things had probably reached a tipping point anyway.
If you want to revisit that time in your mind, best to do it from a place of wanting to learn about yourself as a partner and look at whether there are things you would want to change going forwards - either for possible future R with your W or some other lucky lady further down the line.
I guess my point above is.....it's all still about your W and that's what concerns me for you Huddy. If you keep your focus on her, this is a long and miserable path with wet boots in driving rain. I know you are managing to DB externally, but I'm not sure you are making the internal shift.
I'd like to ask the question.....if your W was never coming back....and you weren't ready to date either.....what would you be doing to live your life as happily as possible?
I'm sorry that the kids have voiced their upset - that must be hard to hear and of course whether you live together again is only partly within your control. But being the best and most supportive Dad you can be is wholly within your control and the best place to focus....and it sounds like you are doing a great job there...
Hope your week goes well my friend x
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Unfortunately, analysing things is part of my job. I suppose I'm just re-evaluating where I'm at. I'm doing OK, I'm GAL'ing within reason and managing to feed and water myself!
It's the kids that it hurts the most, and that is painful to watch.
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
xx