Progress is slow but does happen!

[MrBond]

Think about it this way. When you were single, what were the things that made you happy? Do more of that. What I did was take my Ds to the places and did things that my W would never have agreed to. It got me closer to them in ways I never thought possible.

[PacLove]

Anyone else struggling with the long weekend? We used to always do things as a family this weekend, I've got D, but really miss W and shutter to think that she's likely spending it away with OM - hard to detach from these thoughts. Didn't sleep much last night.

[Jug]

I'm definitely struggling. Ww happens to have all kinds of activities for herself and I'm doing stuff with S. Hang in there!

[RSG]

Anyone else struggling with the long weekend? We used to always do things as a family this weekend, I've got D, but really miss W and shutter to think that she's likely spending it away with OM - hard to detach from these thoughts. Didn't sleep much last night.

No, to be honest. I have my son, that's all I need. If my W wants to spend this holiday with trash, that's on her. As you read, I offered my W time to spend with him Monday and she brushed it off like I was unloading a chore on her. Her loss. Create the memories with your child, be their parent. I work to show my boy the kind of love he used to get from his family. Case in point: About an hour ago he bumped his nose, it both scared him and it bled a little. She used to practically knock me out of the way to comfort him when he cried. I dropped everything, ran to him and he hugged me hard.

[PacLove]

Thanks for the support.. been spending some quality time with D, played a board game yesterday and went on a small hike. Today will go to Church and then maybe fishing in the evening... Good all around time spent with her.

[PacLove]

So how far have you all "detached" from your S?

I admit that after 5 months I'm still struggling and think of her often... I've been doing fine with my GAL, and avoiding contact unless necessary but still I miss her.

A few things to ponder....

I still have the family photos up at home, W still frequents the house so doing anything with them would certainly be noticed... she's still got a family picture on her desk at home too although she barely sits there anymore.

I still have pictures of her/family up at my desk at work... I took them down early on and then put them back up. It's a reminder I'm still married but sometimes it hurts to look at them.

I still find myself noticing her activity on FB and other social activities.

I still do things every now and then for her but only if asked and only when it is convenient for me.

In many ways she's still pretending to the outside world we are still a couple, or at least not openly declaring that we are separated. (she skirts the question or deflects whenever asked to do something). I on the other hand have become more open to the outside that we are separated.

I've separated finances and am trying to maintain boundaries around parenting and access to the house etc - but I can definitely be a lot more firm here.

On another note, I've recently taken notice to a girl at work... yes I know workplace relationships are bad, and I'm not free to date right now but it's nice getting some attention. It hasn't gone any further then water-cooler type conversation when I bump in to her getting coffee but we both have that sort of "shy/awkward" smile that I believe there's some attraction there. I'm still wearing my wedding ring but attention is nice and does make me wonder what if....

[TxHubby]

On another note, I've recently taken notice to a girl at work... yes I know workplace relationships are bad, and I'm not free to date right now but it's nice getting some attention. It hasn't gone any further then water-cooler type conversation when I bump in to her getting coffee but we both have that sort of "shy/awkward" smile that I believe there's some attraction there. I'm still wearing my wedding ring but attention is nice and does make me wonder what if....

This is good. Makes you feel like a million bucks. Don't be afraid of it. Your wife has put you through a lot for quite a while now. This is for you and I know you like it. It would certainly make your wife figure out really quick if she wants this M or not if she thinks she might lose you. Nothing does that quicker than you getting the attention of someone else. All the therapy and psycho-babble in the world doesn't hold a candle to a person seeing that someone else is interested in their spouse. That snaps people out of the fog quicker and more effectively than anything else. Detachment and moving on are a close second but nothing like a member of the opposite sex sniffing around. Leave the ring at home. My wife strung me along for two years until I started leaving the ring at home and casually seeing people of the opposite sex. That snapped her out of her MLC in a nanosecond. Don't underestimate its power.

[PacLove]

TxHubby - interesting thoughts... but W has said in the past that I'm free to date, off-course these could just be idle comments without any sincerity.

I have been contemplating taking the ring off... but not sure I can pull myself to do it, my vows/commitment were to wear it till death do us part. I've rarely taken it off other than when I'm swimming or golfing.

I agree the attention is nice. I applaud you for sticking it out for 2 years. I often wonder if I can go the stretch.

[PacLove]

Rough morning this morning as D10 said to me she misses Mommy, I sympathized with her and said I miss her too...

As I read through the many threads here, it seems that most of you are communicating regularly with your S on some level (good/bad what have you).

I've been very limited in my conversation with W, usually tactical in nature with very few words... I'm wondering if this is somehow backfiring on me though - one of our challenges pre BD was that we didn't communicate well and I think she found that I was boring and not fun to be around.

Wondering how I can perhaps shift this perception, I know one of the golden rules is to not initiate conversation, but if I don't how can I demonstrate some level of change?

When she's around it's like we both avoid each other and say the bare minimum possible. It definitely creates a tense environment... Even though I'm acting very friendly and happy - especially around my D.

[AndrewP]

PacLove

On the "rings" and dating thing what has held me back other than my commitment to W are the facts that it could be used against me "look at him - he's eviiil" and the possible impact on any NG if she decides to turn towards me.

I've been very limited in my conversation with W, usually tactical in nature with very few words... I'm wondering if this is somehow backfiring on me though - one of our challenges pre BD was that we didn't communicate well and I think she found that I was boring and not fun to be around.

Wondering how I can perhaps shift this perception, I know one of the golden rules is to not initiate conversation, but if I don't how can I demonstrate some level of change?

When she's around it's like we both avoid each other and say the bare minimum possible. It definitely creates a tense environment... Even though I'm acting very friendly and happy - especially around my D.

With our kids being grown I have no opportunities to interact with W. She has only contacted "me" once since she moved out (a text about an accident in the village - following up on a text from me the prior day). I've sent her a few messages about "tactical" things as well as one email where I added on some words of love and comfort. Silence in return.

No clue from me on "is this working" as well and I hate feeling that I'm not doing all I possibly can to pull her back to me. That's where DBing is so counter-intuitive but on one side makes sense. She has to "want" to come back without being dragged or it's not real enough. It has to be her choice and not forced through circumstances. Thinking of it that way helps but the silence is deafening.

I'm fortunate that I have some great vets posting on my thread who assure me that she does know that I love her and want her to come hope and that she's watching me. I've found indications as well that she "is" indeed watching me "very" closely but that could just be her paranoia