We all have our "emotional" days...we all want the way it was back...but we have to keep up with the darkness and moving forward...wanting something won't bring it back...keep getting out there and enjoying your friends, new friends, the sunshine....your kids!
W:42 M:48 T:9 yrs M:1yr BD: Feb 2016 EA Confirmed: Feb 2016/PA July 2016 D: Feb 2017
-losing all my sanity today. In a very dark place today.
How is it that W can just move on as if the past 6 years meant nothing?! How is it that I was a HUGE part of her life and all of a sudden I am nothing?! I am nothing to her anymore. W is perfectly happy without me. W doesn't want or need me. How in the heck did that happen. How is this possible?!?!?!?!?
I struggled with the very same exact thing for months after Ms. Wonka left the marital house. It is as if a voice inside our heads is telling us, "what a loser, you couldn't keep W! what's wrong with you?"
Yeah, those nasty voices are not good at all. Try to find a way to engage in self-care activities and surround yourself with friends. Call one of them if not able to meet in person.
I struggled with the very same exact thing for months after Ms. Wonka left the marital house. It is as if a voice inside our heads is telling us, "what a loser, you couldn't keep W! what's wrong with you?"
Yeah, those nasty voices are not good at all. Try to find a way to engage in self-care activities and surround yourself with friends. Call one of them if not able to meet in person.
How do you get out of it...? All I can think of is how great of a life W leads without me know.
I struggled with the very same exact thing for months after Ms. Wonka left the marital house. It is as if a voice inside our heads is telling us, "what a loser, you couldn't keep W! what's wrong with you?"
Yeah, those nasty voices are not good at all. Try to find a way to engage in self-care activities and surround yourself with friends. Call one of them if not able to meet in person.
How do you get out of it...? All I can think of is how great of a life W leads without me know.
That nasty and pesky mind-reading buddy rearin' its ugly head. During that stage, I worked really hard on thought stopping, re-directing my energy, and GALing. It is no good to sit on the couch doing naval gazing about W and the OW.
What a total waste of mental energy. I refused to allow OW to occupy space in my head rent-free. F@ck that! It was a mental effort to channel my focus elsewhere.
I have read many, many success stories when the WAS report back to the LBS after reconciling that they were really unhappy and miserable with the OW/OM. It was hard for them to climb back down from that wall after PROCLAIMING to all that they are "much happier" with the OW/OM. It is as if they said it out loud, therefore it must be 'true.'
This is why TIME is your friend. Use it or lose it. Meaning, use that valuable time you have to transform you into a very strong and interesting person while the OW is busy chasing some elusive fairy tale wisp "out there".
What are you going to do about YOU? That is the only thing you can control here. Not the Easter Bunny, not Father Christmas, not the Tooth Fairy.
((((Wonka))) you are AWESOME!! Sorry Cheesyt, now I am hijacking! But you are correct that is exactly how I feel...I feel like a loser because my W left me...ugh...all my friends say she is the loser and she will regret it big time but I just want to keep GALing...my friends have been AWESOME and they hav helped me through so much already!! I am like you Wonka, I never say the OW name or never her bring her up, she is NOT work my time!!!!!!
Let's keep making this about us Cheesyt!!!!!
W:42 M:48 T:9 yrs M:1yr BD: Feb 2016 EA Confirmed: Feb 2016/PA July 2016 D: Feb 2017
I have read many, many success stories when the WAS report back to the LBS after reconciling that they were really unhappy and miserable with the OW/OM. It was hard for them to climb back down from that wall after PROCLAIMING to all that they are "much happier" with the OW/OM. It is as if they said it out loud, therefore it must be 'true.'
What Wonka said is so true. These waywards just get caught up in something and feel they have to make it work or they have to admit they were wrong all along. That was the case for my W. She was very unhappy but felt she had to justify leaving me. But that's why we keep the door open. It's a balancing act, setting just the right boundaries so we can GAL and become better people, while being strong and independent, but not getting tooooooo far away. They have to see the path home. That's why I love the lighthouse story.
I'm no good at keeping the ow out of my mind. She rears her ugly rear everywhere I am, it seems. No sighting today, thankfully.
Keep your focus, Cheesy. Oh, and I'd go to graduation. You were part of the journey, and you should see the results. It shows her you still care, too.
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
thank you nygal and wonka for your awesome advice!
I was galing with a friend and MIL called me. Locked her keys in her car, W was unavailable. Told MIL I was at dinner with a friend but I would stop by after. MIL got a break just as I came back with spare. We walked and talked... MIL told me about a graduation party in a few weeks for W. MIL invited me, she said she checked with W and W said it was ok for me to come. It would only be family, the usual family from holidays. Aunts, Uncles, Cousins, BIL, and FIL (FIL and MIL have been separated since W was 11 or 12) I said I would think about it. MIL said I was family I replied with but I'm really not and I'll think about it. MIL almost (in a very kind way) said I needed to go. I mentioned graduation, MIL seemed surprised and asked "W asked you to come?" I told her no, W asked If i wanted to go I said yes but I'm still debating. MIL said ok, but I should really go. not going to make anything of it. I just think why would I go to grad party? I mean, W can tell her family we are separated, MIL FIL and BIL already know. the rest of the family would surely wonder where I'm at. MIL asked about work, my living arrangements. (though Idk why she just asked...we've seen each other frequently and it has been 5 months since W asked me not to return home) MIL knows about the affair, I told her the moment I found out. MIL face timed and talked with OM, they connected because they're both religious people. (some religious OM though..having W AND OW in his native country, I find that rather interesting / funny) hanging out with MIL tomorrow, she's got some stuff that needs fixing. (MIL has always reached out because I'm so handy, don't think that needs to change until a D and all ties are cut) I asked her if she would like to go to breakfast...I miss breakfast. Mainly with my W but MIL will do, since W is an extension of her. Should be a good busy day tomorrow.
You ARE family, and don't ever say you're not. Cheesy, just make the decision and let MIL know you're going to the graduation party. Don't debate it. Take a stand. You will take your rightful place by your W's side at her graduation. You will be there for your D. You will chat with and enjoy the family's company. Then leave the party. Make your appearance, be your charming wonderful self, toast your wife or congratulate her or whatever if there's a public acknowledgement at the party. Then be one of the first to leave. Not the first, but don't hang around too much. Make a statement. Be laughing and cheerful so that when you leave all that happiness goes out the door with you.
You've got this, cheesyt!
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
Cheesyt, if you want to go to the party then go. Remember, this is about you. Not about W, MIL, etc. All about you making a decision about what would make you happy.
If you don't want to go, then find a fun GAL activity to take it's place! No need to spend an evening indoors when you could be out having fun!
Hang in there Cheesyt!
Me39 M11 : T13 D9 BD 5/31/16 In House S until 6/21/17 Divorced 10/5/18
