Semi-Detached, WW Rings off and Stressed

[Surfer]

If you believe this, you will stop being true to yourself, and you will start compromising your integrity. It may be difficult for you to see at this precise moment, but there are a few things that are more important than staying M to an unfaithful partner.

Sandi, this bit struck a chord. OK - let's say my W is a WW now, let's say it was simply an EA (could have been PA - I can't tell though, she was certainly working up to it). She tells me there is nobody else and never was (I don't believe it - in terms of never was, may not be now). All this aside. I will not remain married to an unfaithful partner. I could forgive an unfaithful partner that is willing to change - properly. Clearly, this is possible - you are testimony to this. I presume you are not saying, forget this and leave your M?

Sorry just trying to clarify.

As always. Thank you.

Surfer.

[Coly23]

Apologies Surfer if I got the wrong end of the stick, it just sounded like she was trying to explain about OM and trying to dig herself out of a hole by saying he was just a friend...

[Surfer]

Coly,

Thanks for revisiting. It means a lot when people look to help.

She was - you are absolutely right. She was trying to dig herself out of a hole and she probably wants to explain about the OM being just a friend. But as Sandi says, if he was just a friend, why would she hide the constant connection for 3 months (every 5 mins of the day from 6.30am to 2am - obsessive contact)? Why would she and her friends lie about where they met and as did the OM? Why was all this constructed - you don't hide a friendship. You lie about something that was more. I tracked her going to visit him once - she denied it. I am absolutely sure they did (she also texted saying - "I might not be able to see you right now" - when i caught her).

I can I let it go - yes, absolutely. I have before. Even if a PA happened. But she is still disrespectful, cake eating, showing no remorse and resentful. She lies a lot (my main concern), spews and manipulates (my 2nd concern). Personally, I think she is distancing herself from the OM to dig herself out of a hole - you were spot on. That might not be because she wants back into out R it might be, most likely, that she is trying to rewrite history to look and feel less guilt for splitting up her family, leaving etc.

It's a tricky call. It would be nice if she came to her senses but all I can do is be the most perfect version of me for my kids, me etc and let my W have the same attention of a nosey neighbor - kind and civil, that is all.

I need to stay on track, lovingly detach and not join in her circus - her issues are her 'chimps', not mine. Most of all right now, I need to forget worrying about her thoughts, actions, motives etc. Just focus on me and the kids.

Thanks again.

Surfer.

[Surfer]

I can't sleep. Woke at 4.30am. It's now 6am. Kids will be up soon and I need to pack in a fun few days. Yes, I know you have been there!

WW dropped kids as planned this eve. She has dumped them with her W friends again today, who live miles away, so she can work - it her time with kids? It seems whenever its her time, she either dumps them to go out, works or spends time with her mates and kids but never kids alone. It's like she doesn't want their company on their own. Selfish horrible self-validating group of witches this lot. Sorry, nothing against ladies at all, but these are not ladies! This part of the rant over. Almost.

Also S6 has a big friction burn on his face - "mummy came running out though when she heard me scream". She "does watch us daddy, she put her drink down when talking to friends (in fairness they said tea) and looks over to watch" - ie she is chatting not focusing in the kids. I am probably painting the picture of a bad mum, she is not, but she needs to focus on them more and put them first. I know I can't control others but surely - look after your kids you selfish douche! Stop thinking you are the 'important and chosen one' and needing to talk to friends so much. God p!ssed my right off! Anyway, he's fine.

Anyway, moving on, the main point really - sorry tired and stressed with this so need to get it down. I feel, may be wrong, but have heard clear evidence that my W is manipulating the kids. There's lots of "Mummy would never lie, mummy tells me that" coming back - When you know WW has lied. You only say this to justify a lie IMHO anyway. Also, mummy doesn't lie - wow, I'd love to unload on the kids at this point. Obviously I can't throw mummy under the bus - oh dear. Kids have been saying, "daddy why did you always ways go to the pub!" WTF? I said who told you I did? "Mummy!" Picked her up on this and she said, that's not true darlings etc. Also, she had D8 in a real state earlier when she dropped her off. I don't want you to go mummy etc, my W has a habit of milking this. I need to come up with a strategy of stopping the histrionics on this. I need a fat drop and go from her It goes on and on, with D8 getting dramatic (she is a bit by nature) then I have my W encouraging tearful calls at bedtime from D8. D8 also seems to be trying to get in the middle. I caught her saying "Daddy said I couldn't call you". I said "hang on, I said until you have washed for bed!" Everyone backed down and WW did support me and told D8 she needs to be careful on context.

Does anyone have any experience in this? WW seemingly starting to manupipulate kids and kids getting in between us?. How to stop it etc.

I might be mind reading here obviously, bit stressed as I am getting crap custody at present, paying for too much due to 2 houses and she is not moving Mediation and D forward. I need to come up with a strategy - I am going to speak to L on Monday.

I never wanted a D, truely. But afte 7 years, MC, rows, spews, emotional affair (potential PA), friends lies, family lies, divorcing all friends and family, re-writing history, propaganda, moving out, removal of rings etc and now manipulation of the kids, I am getting to a point where I am starting to resent my WW at times. Not in an angry way, in a way that I just plain and simple think she just bad Karma. For all involved actually.

I don't want to live with this really. I derserve to be happy. I look at the idea of a custody schedule 50/50 and pick up/drop off so we don't interact as being a far better option. I love my kids, but her bad Karma just bleeds into our relationship too. Nah time to get the 'Karma Police' on board I think. Watch this space!! The tide is turning!.....Surfs up Dudes!

Surfer.

[SH_]

Document document document.
Avoid taking any of it personally and I know it goes without saying, but do not take it out on the sides.
I also would not engage the kids or extend the conversation with them fishing.

It is tough, but stick to this and you will be better off.

I believe that karma will do her job in the end.

I would even take it a step further and ensure you say kind things about your W in response or in prayer with the kids.
Always speak highly of her with them.
She may be a WW for you, but she is their mother.

I know you know this and so I hope I am just confirming what you know my friend.

[SH_]

SH,

One of the best motivational yet supportive replies I have ever had. Thank you. From what you have said you see someone that basically gets it but needs to round off the edges. I interpret your comments as follows (apologies if I have misread or misquoted - I need to simplify things):

1.This is not my circus and these are not my monkeys.
2.No thanks, I'll stay in this lane.
3.Observe the Chimp - don't be the Chimp (read "the Chimp Paradox again" - a must read for those facing spew BTW)
4."Own your own feelings - don't let others own yours, they have their own, you don't own theirs either"
5.Listen, and shut up.
6.The destination (detachment) is a decision not a place or time
7.As you don't of a single authentic psychic or clairvoyant, stop trying to be one.

Excellent - thank you. Please keep tabs. We all need to be kept on the path if we wobble.

Surfer.

Well simplified Surfer.

Honor the struggle.

Both hers and yours.

Thanks for the tip on the Chimp paradox.
I had heard of it, but it is now on my reading list.
I am intrigued.

[SH_]

Document document document.
Avoid taking any of it personally and I know it goes without saying, but do not take it out on the sides.
I also would not engage the kids or extend the conversation with them fishing.

It is tough, but stick to this and you will be better off.

I believe that karma will do her job in the end.

I would even take it a step further and ensure you say kind things about your W in response or in prayer with the kids.
Always speak highly of her with them.
She may be a WW for you, but she is their mother.

I know you know this and so I hope I am just confirming what you know my friend.

*the kids

Not the sides.

[Coly23]

Got it, Surfer! She can explain as much as she likes that he was only a friend but her actions showed different. She is just in denial or trying to save face because she knows she has done wrong...

[ROE]

Surfer, I haven't read your previous thread only this one so far. Your story runs with a lot of parallel lines to mine. I really don't have any advise for you as I'm trying to find my own way through this as well. I can tell you that I am in your corner in support of your journey. Stay strong.

ROE

[Cherry]

"Just a friend" grates on me too. Oh yes because you obsessively text a friend every minute of the day and hide your r with them from everyone. Sure ok. I dunno, you seem like me- an intelligent person and their lies are just a sheer insult to our intelligence.

It really is awfully l the way that she she uses your children as a part in all this. It takes some serious tongue biting not to badmouth them in this situation. In a way I feel for them, because when they're old enough to understand, will they really have much respect for them? My wh has become his dad. A man he absolutely detests and will never see or have contact with him, because of how he treated his mom.