Maybs - Pt3

[hawker]

I am the same way Maybs. I think my wife is gonna wake up and say wtf did I do but my wife is stubborn as well and everyone told her she was making a mistake. She is very prideful and never admits she is wrong either. I don't know what to tell you about the different advice as I am trying to figure it out myself.

[maybs]

My W is so stubborn and I know she's frustrated because her entire family and about 50% of her friends are telling her she's making a mistake.

The problem is the other 50% of her friends are encouraging her wayward behaviors...Which is super messed up. Especially as I know a few of these friend had come to us with their marriage problems in the past and we always encouraged them to speak with their H or W and work things out between them. And now that roles are reversed they're setting her up with her now ow/gf and encouraging her to just hurry up and leave me. Because "you can do better" "You deserve better"

I get that they are her friend and all buuutttt that doesn't seem to be the kind of behavior friends should be exhibiting.

My friends have been very supportive and encouraging of me no matter what I've decided to do and I know one of my best friends outright DISAGREES with me and she still encourages me to do what I think it best for me...

It just blow my mind.

I still really don't know what to do about that letter though. Like I said I feel like either way has benefits and negatives...

[maybs]

Well... I guess.
After talking with friends close to me and who know the situation inside out and who I know have my best interest at heart with my wanting to R.

I have decided that I should give her the letter.

I feel for my sanity and forgiveness it's important for me to give it to her and apologize for things.

A friend helped me see that it's more from the standpoint of "I wish things could be different but they aren't and that's okay, I'll be fine"

I had a rough few days I think it was stress about W but also about work and some other stuff and I just got a bit overwhelmed. I do feel better today and I saw someone else write that it's like "the door is closed but it's not locked." I like that.

I'm going to keep working on detaching again and getting on with things.

Tomorrow night BIL is coming to stay before his bike trip. I'm not sure if we are planning on having dinner or not. W is also supposed to stop by the house tomorrow to pick up her mail, she picked the one hour that she knows I'm home on Tuesday afternoons to come. Weird because between that time she should still be in work...so how can she be able to stop by the house then?? I'm not sure. Seems fishy.

My GAL earlier meeting a new friend for coffee was good. We just talked and got to know each other better for a couple of hours. Now I'm spending time snuggling with my attention deprived puppies.

[maybs]

Nothing new to report really.

So far today I feel pretty good. I feel a little nervous at the prospect of possibly seeing my W this afternoon. I haven't seen her in nearly 2 months.

I'm nervous because I know for both of us it was one of those instant attraction things. And I'm nervous about all of that bubbling back up for me or not feeling that way anymore. And if she will or won't feel that way.

I know it's useless to worry about that stuff but it still does make me nervous.

I guess we will see how it goes and if I even do end up seeing her or if she does even end up showing up at that time.

[hawker]

Hope you have a good time, stay strong with the W, it is always hard when you see them face to face!!! I know it makes you nervous, I get nervous at that as well....

[maybs]

I don't really feel like I had a reason to be nervous leading up to this. I think it had just been so long since I had seen her I didn't know what to expect or how she would act towards me in person.

She got here, she is driving ow's car apparently, so she didn't have her house key and couldn't get in. It kind of felt nice that she had to knock at her own house. Anyways I let her in and went back to the kitchen to finish unloading the dishwasher, which I had been doing when she arrived.

She came in and went to the living room to visit with the dogs, I could hear her talking to them about how she misses them so much and they must miss her and their sister (our other dog that she took). I continued focusing on the dishes. She came to the kitchen asked me about where her computer charger was I told her I didn't know that I only knew where mine was.

She asked me about when our dog that she has could take her medications and I told her she was supposed to have them 5 days ago so today would be best.

She told me she didn't have her house key because she has been driving ow and her dad's car for work so she doesn't go over her lease miles.. This did kind of upset me but only because I'm not okay with ow driving a car that my name is on. It bugs me...
She also told me again how she hates that she doesn't get home from work until so late and she took time off this afternoon because she knew she needed to stop here and she might join a carpool but then she will have to change her work schedule again and blah blah blah... I listened I validated when necessary saying things like "That must be very frustrating for you" or hard, etc.

She did ask me about mediation, if the place had called me yet and I said no and she kept saying "I don't want to be a hinderance" about it. I don't even know what that means. I seemed so loaded like what are you hindering? It seriously felt like she was saying "I don't want to be a hinderance to the divorce you want..." I don't know something for sure felt off about her saying that and the way she kept repeating it.

She said "well I should go" a few times but then made no move towards the door. She kept lingering and trying to talk and eventually I think she just ran out of small talk to try to talk to me so she left. She said have a good night and I said you too.

We did not even talk about the face that her brother and his family are coming to see me tonight. I don't even know if she remembers that that is tonight or not.

The whole time she was here one thing that kind of stuck out to me about her was she seemed really depressed and sad and just generally unhappy... I do hate to see her feeling that way but at the same time I'm not in a position where I feel like it's my responsibility.
I could also tell she was uncomfortable because she makes a weird face when she thinks something is uncomfortable and she kept doing that.

What I don't get is she could have picked a different day to come. A day when she had her house key and could have come and not had to see me...so why leave work early to come see me and then just make really awkward small talk??? I don't know I kept feeling like she was about to say something or talk to me about something else and then she just never did.

I know can't mind read. It was a curious encounter that's for sure.

Even more curious is the fact that I don't really feel influenced by it. Yes I was nervous leading up to it. I think it was just nervous anticipation but the actual exchange influenced me very little. I do miss her and still love her and can tell she's struggling with something but I no longer feel obligated to ask her about it or to try to help her solve it. This is her problem and she will need to figure it out on her own. I feel good about the whole thing in general. I feel like I presented my best self today and she saw that. I also listened and validated but stuck with my guns and didn't get sucked into asking her what was wrong like old me would have. I don't think it was nice to see her to not nice to see her. It just was what it was.

[hawker]

Sounds like you did great DBing...she wanted to see you that is why she picked that day. Like Cadet said on my thread she looked sad because she is searching for something to make her happy....

[maybs]

Hawk... I just don't even want to believe that after 8 weeks of actively avoiding me she finally wanted to see me.

Dinner was canceled for tonight BIL is still coming to stay and then my W's whole family is coming down to have dinner with me tomorrow night... No one told her or invited her and when she finds out she's going to be p!ssed.... and I'm just going to play dumb like "I didn't know you weren't invited, I'm sorry that happened to you." I don't feel it's my responsibility to invite her to family dinners with her own family! Maybe she shouldn't have cut them out.

[hawker]

No it is not your responsibility!!!! It is crazy how they wouldn't let her know they were coming. Does she not talk to them at all?

[maybs]

so partially just journaling partially in response to Hawker,

My BIL stayed with me last night before his bike trip. I have no intentions of bringing up W to him since he is her brother and I felt that would make it uncomfortable.

As soon as he got there he asked me if there was any chance of us reconciling. I didn't go into details I just said I was willing but he would have to talk to her about it.

He proceeded to tell me that not a single one of her family members is currently speaking to her and she makes no effort to speak or see any of them. I do find this curious because supposedly one of the reasons she's so happy she moved back to her hometown is she can see her family all the time (which she says I restricted her from doing) ironically, I see and speak to her family more frequently than she does. I was told she hasn't seen any of them since mid-July.

He also told me that he doesn't agree with her decision to leave me and he doesn't agree with her having this ow.

He also continuously told me that I should just cut ties and move on and "there's other fish in the sea".

He complained that she has been using FIL as a bank. Basically dumps our dog with him and has him finance weekend getaways with ow on his credit card. Which upsets me not because they take trips. I'm upset that she would use her own father like that. I have struggled financially through this and have made responsible adult choices to cut expenses to be able to afford the things that I want, I don't just run to daddy for money everytime I want something, and seeing that kind of behavior from a 31 yr old grown a55 woman with a good paying job...it's kind of disgusting.

I get why he tells me to move on. I know he cares for me and he will always tell me he doesn't like what W is putting me through, but I wish he would respect that I don't want to cut tie and just move on. I put a lot of time and effort into this relationship and on many levels I think if we were both willing to work at it, it would be successful again.

he also asked me about if she's being amicable with splitting everything up and I just told him we are seeing a mediator to deal with that.

Overall, it was super awkward and uncomfortable. Mostly because I was trying to not say anything specific about how I felt about her or the way she's been acting. I respected his need to vent his frustrations about his sister but I just listened and even caught myself validating without thinking about it!

I feel like so much "stuff" happened yesterday and I do find it quite interesting that I feel pretty unbothered by it all. I feel calm again.