Taking my first sip of the water

[Coconut]

My life is revolving around work and looking after my children and doing housework right now I am not interested in meet ups groups and going out with different people to make new friends .....yet this so probably the one thing I should be doing to take my mind off my

ATPeace, I just scanned your latest thread, and you've gotten a lot of good advice on moving past the guilt and stepping up as a man, but I want to address what you wrote above.

What you are doing on a day to day basis is not helping you to better yourself. I don't know why you wouldn't be interested in going out and meeting new people, maybe because it is outside your comfort zone and feels like work, or maybe your just busy doing all your fatherly and husbandry duties, but I think you need to slice out time for you.

You closed with it is probably the one thing that will help you take your mind off your sitch, but do you know why it would help do that, because it would help you have a life of your own. It would help you see happiness outside the people in your household, it would help ATPeace be himself.

I highly suggest you find something to get out and socialize, doesn't need to be meet up groups, it can be signing up for something you already enjoy doing. Do you bowl? Sign up for a bowling league. Do you like to play pool? sign up for a pool league. Do you like to paint, write, debate, or anything else? Sign up for a college course (night courses tend to have older students). You see where I'm going with this? It's easier to socialize when you are doing something you enjoy doing, you just gotta set time aside for yourself, and get up and do something. You can do it, and you will be better for it.

[SH_]

G,

Alright, quite bit to catch up on here in the past couple of days. I have several points the I will make, some more homework and commitments that I will extend, and Thors Hammer will make an appearance, because you are becoming immune to the sledgehammer now.
I am going to try and do this in several posts so as to keep them a bit shorter and break it up for you,

Careful, someone will think you are taking lessons from Sandi in how to write loooooong posts.

You know, because we don't want any rumors floating around in here......right?

BUT I do ask that you commit to reading each one and responding...to....each..one.
Point on that in a moment.

My dear friend, Ghost ATPeace, read each one of your posts below and tell me what you see.

Ok so been here a very long time and have been helped by so many over the months.

SH_ thank you for standing by me I have started in the homework and I. Have watched a couple of the guy winch talks found them very interesting

So I am really going to do my best to make this next thread all about me and what I can do to help me.

I have been training with a personal trainer and although I have been packing on the muscle I know this by the weights I am now able to lift I still find that my weight is not shifting so diet is 80 % of what is the problem

I would say I am about 60 lbs over weight I realise it is not just about weight it is more about how I look and how I feel so I will use this as a guide

So for the next week I am going to monitor exactly what I am eating and I am going to make a reall effort that each and very time I go to grab something unhealthy instead I will DRINK THE WATER - TAKE A SIP and eat something healthy instead and at the end of the week I will weigh myself again

Every day I will start the day with 30 minutes of exercise at home. I have been paying a huge amount for a personal trainer and he has helped me but it is time I helped myself.

Goals for this week

Be more in touch with my children's needs I will spend a measurable amount of quality time with each of my children.

Do my share of the housework and I will decide what is enough.

Not get drawn in to arguments practice empathy and validation

I am going to look for somewhere to volunteer and by the end of the week I will report back here and let you know what I have found.

Ghost

sandi2 thank you my W and I have been getting along very well over the past three days it seems that when we are out of the house things are so much better

We have pretty much spent three days in each other company along with our younger children and the atmosphere has been very pleasant. How do people realise when they are getting to the piecing stage and what does that normally look like ...I do not think I am there but when I have good days and I feel happy and content and we we are in each other's company and making each other laugh and smile we are acting very much like the mum and dad that we are with our children and to anyone looking in we would be almost the ideal family how do I keep this going .....I know by not talking about the past I am not opening old wounds so STFU but is that not just putting things into denial is this not just sweeping things under the carpet

I have been feeling really happy the last few days and I realise that living in the past and bringing up the past is not working to make anything any better between us.

So all through my marriage my W has never been the one to initiate things it has always been up to me to take the first step so how does reconnecting with ones partner normally happen ?

Is it over time attraction builds again ?
Is it one day boom things just happen ?
Is it one day I say to her I want to be closer to you ?
Do I one day just reach out and hold her or hug her or hold her hand and see what happens with her reaction ?
Do I one day say to her look we have been getting along well for the past three months can we start to try and rebuild things ?

Suppose we were out and some guy started showing her attention would I just let it happen stand back and say nothing or walk away or would I be in his face what do you think your doing mate she is with me,????

I really struggle to know sometimes what to do and how to move forward ...I don't believe that moving forward has to be moving out the family home. I want a different relationship with my W and I can see that what we had before was crap things would need to be very different but I am not sure how I go about letting her know that I realise what was not good and I want her to have as much input into rebuilding things but right now she does not want to rebuild things

So is what I am doing working ...yes and no ....she has not moved out we generally get along but it is not rebuilding attraction ....it might be rebuilding other feelings that in time will rebuild attraction.

I want her to initiate things but for this to happen I have to pull back and I feel pulling back will put distance between us.

I REALLY do feel that I am much more level headed and I actually feel a little more I I control and even tho this post has been a little about her I feel I am starting to grasp things.

This is the first morning in ages where I have woken and have not had fear or panic and I would see this as progress so thank you

Ghost

Ghost
Respond to this post and then read the next.

[SH_]

Ghost,

Have you responded to the post above.^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
What is it you see when reading the two posts you made almost 2 weeks a part?

G, have you see an IC about your low self esteem?
Have you inquired from a professional about a depressive disorder?
Please share with me on this.
I really think some professional guidance is in order.

I did not see a reply from you on this question my friend?
I came to the realization that I have asked you this on several occasions, but never a reply.
May I ask you why?

Hi SH

So I am still stuck in this flipping FEAR word so I am stuck in my thoughts I guess the fear and the what if only I had done this or if only I had done that so living in the past nothing will ever change what I have done.

So how do I get over the regrets of the past .......I guess I have to accept my mistakes and allow myself to forgive myself.

Fear is not real it is a thought I have to get myself to the point where I am ok with whatever happens

My life is revolving around work and looking after my children and doing housework right now I am not interested in meet ups groups and going out with different people to make new friends .....yet this so probably the one thing I should be doing to take my mind off my

I have started watching other ted talks as well

One step at a time

Do you want the answers to these questions?
Do you want the treatment for this unhealthy mindset?
Your life revolving around those things is not living a full nor healthy life.
In church this week the lesson was about how by just not doing the "bad" things, does not mean that we are accomplishing any "good" things.
Positive actions towards accomplishing good things is needed. Simply sitting by, will almost assuredly lead us to the same places as simply doing bad things.
I am getting a D, because I sat back to often and it caught up with me.
Now, I can continue to sit and do nothing or I can learn from this and get up and get moving forward.

Think about that and all of the lessons and advice here and with DB.
Most of the LBS do not see that we were doing bad things, and that is why we are so shocked as the WAS.
But if we stop and look at it.
What good things were we neglecting?
Lets start with ourselves.
Then as we neglected ourselves, we began to neglect our spouse, children, etc.

Do you see how simply saying that you are focused on work, tending the children and house chores is simply the same things that got you into this position?

You are not changing, because you are doing more of the same.
Remember the insanity quote?
Growth and change does not come from remaining comfortable.
Growth and change does not come overnight.
sandi2 has said it many times.
Your W must respect you and be attracted to you for anything to change in the MR. The story you found in my thread that Vanilla posted.
Her heart is in that box still and you are not doing anything to convince her to pull it out.
You must understand and act on this my friend.
This is the Thor Hammer and it must sting, but you can do something about it.
Will you put forth the effort to do so it the only question you must ask and answer now.

"God changes caterpillars into butterflies, sand into pearls and coal into diamonds using time and pressure. He's working on you, too." -Rick Warren

Please reply to my question about your seeking out professional assistance for your mindset.
Reply to this before reading the next post.

[SH_]

Ghost,

Have you responded to the post above.^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Have you seen or are you seeing an IC for assistance with your mental and emotional well being?

I will make this the final of my postings for now until you are able to read, ponder and reply.

Plus we all know that anything over a trilogy is greedy, desperate and never measures up to the first one anyway, right!??!

So, if you are reading this, you will have shared your observation from your first and last post in this thread so far.

You will have shared your efforts to seek a coach in the form of an IC to obtain guidance, accountability and professional assistance.

And now to try and gain some focused momentum and direction.

The name of your thread is, "Taking my first sip of the water".

This is in reference to my story of leading the horse to water.
You started this thread by stating,

So I am really going to do my best to make this next thread all about me and what I can do to help me.

As I read that now, I see the flaw in this statement.
Can you see it?
Let me share a hint from a dear friend of ours, Vanilla. She posted this to another wise friend and supporter of mine here in the neighborhood.

One of the things I have learned and learned well as a result of DB is how important the words we use are in determining our attitude.

It makes a big difference self talk.

One of the things I noticed ... was the tendency to faulty thinking. Woolly will make the difference between success and failure.

So what do you say that we look at that?

V

Ghost can not say he will do his best....because that is not good enough.
When Ghost thinks this way.
Ghost writes this way
This further etches the emotions or lack thereof within the mindset.
The brain will let Ghost off when he fails as having done good enough.


Thors Hammer again my friend.

Your "best" has created a thread that is not about you and what you can do for you. It has created yet another thread of how much F- word you are still dealing with and what you can do to convince your WAW to come back to you.

BROKEN RECORD ANYBODY!?!?

Ghost, what do we do with a broken record?
We take the needle off, fix the player and get a new record.

What are you going to do to fix the broken record?

So, my homework for you is to watch the Ted Talk by Mel Robbins about screwing yourself over.

Find another ted talk, video, article or book with information that you need to help you move forward.
It can be about your inner peace, meeting people, courage, confidence, whatever, you find needed in your life.
Let me be sure that I clarify this is about what you need that does not include your W.

Next, 3 goals that are all about you.
Just 3.
We are going to attack those three and beat the hell out of them until they are part of you.

Do you commit to this?
Will you commit to this?

Now is the time.
This is the place.
You have nothing to lose, and everything to gain.

What say you my friend?
Are we going to do this?

“Any action is often better than no action, especially if you have been stuck in an unhappy situation for a long time. If it is a mistake, at least you learn something, in which case it's no longer a mistake. If you remain stuck, you learn nothing.” - Eckhart Tolle

[SH_]

Aww crap...
So here is the 4th installment even though I promised only a trilogy.

I'll keep it brief.

You have received some great information from sandi2, and you should read it closely as it relates to forgiving yourself and moving forward.
Print it and read daily until it is etched in your head.

Rouky shares a great way for you to start changing your brains poor programing about your F-word and negativity. Heed the advice as it is simple, doable, and by simply being consistent you will experience a change.

And I don't want to undercut any other advice as it relates to interacting with your wife, but I would say caution is needed. your posts indicate this is more for and about you than it is about her. You could really push things in a direction that you do not want. Stay focused on you.
Your postings are not showing that you have change to be the man she would be attracted to.
Stay focused on you. Heed Cnuts thoughts on get yourself out there and meet new people. Hiding from that will not help you. So just do it.
My friend, I say this to you as much as I say this to me as it is something that we both need for progress.

So just do it.

"Happiness is like a butterfly: the more you chase it, the more it will elude you, but if you turn your attention to other things, it will come and sit softly on your shoulder." -Nathaniel Hawthorne

[RAI]

Hi Ghost,

I hope you don't mind a quick hijack:

As a woman who betrayed the one man who loved her the most.......I can honestly tell you that you never forget what you did to your spouse, but you don't dwell on it all the time.

I hurt my H very badly. I thought about what I had done every single day. I would pray, cry, read, or whatever.......trying to forgive myself, b/c I had no peace in my soul. I learned that it is harder to forgive yourself than anyone else.

Every day & night........and all in between........something would trigger my mind to think of my betrayal. If I was at work or around anyone, I would silently tell myself that my H forgave me, and that God forgave me, and for me to not forgive myself was not what either (my H or God) wanted. I would silently pray or recite scripture to give me strength to get through that period.

Sandi - these words kind of shook me. Is it possible my WW is feeling this even as she is still completely wayward, or do these emotions only set in once the fog has lifted? I posed this question to you in my thread, but I know you have been posting here.

Back to your regularly scheduled program. Sorry for the interruption.

Best to you AP/Ghost. I'm still following. Kudos to you SH_. You are so kind to us all.

RAI

[ATPeace]

G,

Alright, quite bit to catch up on here in the past couple of days. I have several points the I will make, some more homework and commitments that I will extend, and Thors Hammer will make an appearance, because you are becoming immune to the sledgehammer now.
I am going to try and do this in several posts so as to keep them a bit shorter and break it up for you,

Careful, someone will think you are taking lessons from Sandi in how to write loooooong posts.

You know, because we don't want any rumors floating around in here......right?

BUT I do ask that you commit to reading each one and responding...to....each..one.
Point on that in a moment.

My dear friend, Ghost ATPeace, read each one of your posts below and tell me what you see.

Ok so been here a very long time and have been helped by so many over the months.

SH_ thank you for standing by me I have started in the homework and I. Have watched a couple of the guy winch talks found them very interesting

So I am really going to do my best to make this next thread all about me and what I can do to help me.

I have been training with a personal trainer and although I have been packing on the muscle I know this by the weights I am now able to lift I still find that my weight is not shifting so diet is 80 % of what is the problem

I would say I am about 60 lbs over weight I realise it is not just about weight it is more about how I look and how I feel so I will use this as a guide

So for the next week I am going to monitor exactly what I am eating and I am going to make a reall effort that each and very time I go to grab something unhealthy instead I will DRINK THE WATER - TAKE A SIP and eat something healthy instead and at the end of the week I will weigh myself again

Every day I will start the day with 30 minutes of exercise at home. I have been paying a huge amount for a personal trainer and he has helped me but it is time I helped myself.

Goals for this week

Be more in touch with my children's needs I will spend a measurable amount of quality time with each of my children.

Do my share of the housework and I will decide what is enough.

Not get drawn in to arguments practice empathy and validation

I am going to look for somewhere to volunteer and by the end of the week I will report back here and let you know what I have found.

Ghost

sandi2 thank you my W and I have been getting along very well over the past three days it seems that when we are out of the house things are so much better

We have pretty much spent three days in each other company along with our younger children and the atmosphere has been very pleasant. How do people realise when they are getting to the piecing stage and what does that normally look like ...I do not think I am there but when I have good days and I feel happy and content and we we are in each other's company and making each other laugh and smile we are acting very much like the mum and dad that we are with our children and to anyone looking in we would be almost the ideal family how do I keep this going .....I know by not talking about the past I am not opening old wounds so STFU but is that not just putting things into denial is this not just sweeping things under the carpet

I have been feeling really happy the last few days and I realise that living in the past and bringing up the past is not working to make anything any better between us.

So all through my marriage my W has never been the one to initiate things it has always been up to me to take the first step so how does reconnecting with ones partner normally happen ?

Is it over time attraction builds again ?
Is it one day boom things just happen ?
Is it one day I say to her I want to be closer to you ?
Do I one day just reach out and hold her or hug her or hold her hand and see what happens with her reaction ?
Do I one day say to her look we have been getting along well for the past three months can we start to try and rebuild things ?

Suppose we were out and some guy started showing her attention would I just let it happen stand back and say nothing or walk away or would I be in his face what do you think your doing mate she is with me,????

I really struggle to know sometimes what to do and how to move forward ...I don't believe that moving forward has to be moving out the family home. I want a different relationship with my W and I can see that what we had before was crap things would need to be very different but I am not sure how I go about letting her know that I realise what was not good and I want her to have as much input into rebuilding things but right now she does not want to rebuild things

So is what I am doing working ...yes and no ....she has not moved out we generally get along but it is not rebuilding attraction ....it might be rebuilding other feelings that in time will rebuild attraction.

I want her to initiate things but for this to happen I have to pull back and I feel pulling back will put distance between us.

I REALLY do feel that I am much more level headed and I actually feel a little more I I control and even tho this post has been a little about her I feel I am starting to grasp things.

This is the first morning in ages where I have woken and have not had fear or panic and I would see this as progress so thank you

Ghost

Ghost
Respond to this post and then read the next.

Ok,so I see myself,thanking people,for,their help but then going and doing very little,to move forwards

I see myself starting to be positive and I want to do the right things but then I fall back in fear and end up circling around

[ATPeace]

Ghost,

Have you responded to the post above.^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
What is it you see when reading the two posts you made almost 2 weeks a part?

G, have you see an IC about your low self esteem?
Have you inquired from a professional about a depressive disorder?
Please share with me on this.
I really think some professional guidance is in order.

I did not see a reply from you on this question my friend?
I came to the realization that I have asked you this on several occasions, but never a reply.
May I ask you why?

Hi SH

So I am still stuck in this flipping FEAR word so I am stuck in my thoughts I guess the fear and the what if only I had done this or if only I had done that so living in the past nothing will ever change what I have done.

So how do I get over the regrets of the past .......I guess I have to accept my mistakes and allow myself to forgive myself.

Fear is not real it is a thought I have to get myself to the point where I am ok with whatever happens

My life is revolving around work and looking after my children and doing housework right now I am not interested in meet ups groups and going out with different people to make new friends .....yet this so probably the one thing I should be doing to take my mind off my

I have started watching other ted talks as well

One step at a time

Do you want the answers to these questions?
Do you want the treatment for this unhealthy mindset?
Your life revolving around those things is not living a full nor healthy life.
In church this week the lesson was about how by just not doing the "bad" things, does not mean that we are accomplishing any "good" things.
Positive actions towards accomplishing good things is needed. Simply sitting by, will almost assuredly lead us to the same places as simply doing bad things.
I am getting a D, because I sat back to often and it caught up with me.
Now, I can continue to sit and do nothing or I can learn from this and get up and get moving forward.

Think about that and all of the lessons and advice here and with DB.
Most of the LBS do not see that we were doing bad things, and that is why we are so shocked as the WAS.
But if we stop and look at it.
What good things were we neglecting?
Lets start with ourselves.
Then as we neglected ourselves, we began to neglect our spouse, children, etc.

Do you see how simply saying that you are focused on work, tending the children and house chores is simply the same things that got you into this position?

You are not changing, because you are doing more of the same.
Remember the insanity quote?
Growth and change does not come from remaining comfortable.
Growth and change does not come overnight.
sandi2 has said it many times.
Your W must respect you and be attracted to you for anything to change in the MR. The story you found in my thread that Vanilla posted.
Her heart is in that box still and you are not doing anything to convince her to pull it out.
You must understand and act on this my friend.
This is the Thor Hammer and it must sting, but you can do something about it.
Will you put forth the effort to do so it the only question you must ask and answer now.

"God changes caterpillars into butterflies, sand into pearls and coal into diamonds using time and pressure. He's working on you, too." -Rick Warren

Please reply to my question about your seeking out professional assistance for your mindset.
Reply to this before reading the next post.

I have been to see my doctor but I do not want to start Anti depressants the Ic that I have been seeing has mainly talked about the marrage my low feelings are some times but normally not talked about

My doctor did not think I was depressed how would I know for sure she said to me would I like to go on some antidepressants and I said at the moment I don't feel like I need them she said you do not need to get the very bottom and sometimes it is better to take them I did not feel they would help I do not think they are going to make my situation any better I do not feel that I need to take drugs at this stage

I hope that answers your question

Thank you

[SH_]

Good evening G.

Hope all is well and that you are taking some time to ponder my feedback and reply to the third post of the trilogy.

I pray that you are having a peaceful day.

[SH_]

Give me a sign that you are well my friend.
Even if it is just a small one.

You are in my prayers.