Dear Cadet, Wow!! Thanks for the Enormous amount of resources you offered and the warm welcome. I stepped out for a few hours for a divorceCare group at my church and I am so overwhelmed at the kind responses. I do own Divorce Remedy and also bought a few sessions with a coach. I'm trying to work on my issues as I know the marriage decline did not occur without both sides.I will keep reading and posting.Thanks!!
W-57,H-55 Married-32 years 3 kids S-30,S-28,D-25 EA / PA ? June 2015 Walked out ,moved in with OW 10/2015 moves back 1/2016 still in love with OW and moves out July 2016
Dear Mombear, Thanks for your post! I'm going to be a little more unavailable,although he does know my schedule I will have to shake it up a little.Mostly when I get out he knows I am at church or with the kids. LOL
W-57,H-55 Married-32 years 3 kids S-30,S-28,D-25 EA / PA ? June 2015 Walked out ,moved in with OW 10/2015 moves back 1/2016 still in love with OW and moves out July 2016
Dear CT1118, Thanks for your support! Yes I know the difference between the mental illness and addiction illness,but that said she has been a drug addict for years and able to function to a large degree. The Meth is what has destroyed her mental health. She has suffered with some amount of anxiety always which is why her drug of choice was always opiates. I am very seriously planning to buy a home with him as I want to leave here where we have been renting.
W-57,H-55 Married-32 years 3 kids S-30,S-28,D-25 EA / PA ? June 2015 Walked out ,moved in with OW 10/2015 moves back 1/2016 still in love with OW and moves out July 2016
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Dear Cadet, Wow!! Thanks for the Enormous amount of resources you offered and the warm welcome. I stepped out for a few hours for a divorceCare group at my church and I am so overwhelmed at the kind responses. I do own Divorce Remedy and also bought a few sessions with a coach. I'm trying to work on my issues as I know the marriage decline did not occur without both sides.I will keep reading and posting.Thanks!!
W-57,H-55 Married-32 years 3 kids S-30,S-28,D-25 EA / PA ? June 2015 Walked out ,moved in with OW 10/2015 moves back 1/2016 still in love with OW and moves out July 2016
Good morning ! Still trying to figure out how "dark" I should go since I have been far too available. Thanks for your support and have a great day!
W-57,H-55 Married-32 years 3 kids S-30,S-28,D-25 EA / PA ? June 2015 Walked out ,moved in with OW 10/2015 moves back 1/2016 still in love with OW and moves out July 2016
Luv1589 - One very important thing that I learned here and it may sound like tough words to you but you may need to hear them. Your old marriage is over. It has been broken into pieces. You are still holding many of the pieces but probably have no idea if H is holding any.
You can use those pieces and new ones that he will have to make and ones that you make together to build a new MR on the ashes of the old, but it will take commitment and hard work.
It seems that at present that H has no interest in doing his part. You can't build the whole thing yourself but you can build yourself. Making yourself stronger for you and your family is your first priority right now.
It's buried in some of the reading you've been assigned as "homework" but most people here feel that it is necessary for your H to feel the "loss". The loss of your MR and the loss of you. Presuming you aren't OK with being his having a third person in your M then you need to make that abundantly clear to him. If he can't decide between you and OW then perhaps he needs to go into a neutral corner until he does know. You're not rejecting him, you are giving him space to find himself and complete his own journey. You can create that "loss" by "detaching" - by withdrawing those things that you as a loving wife have been providing to him. You can still treat him with courtesy and respect but if he's not going to be a H to you, you need to try to stop being a W (if it's cookies let us know - doodler and I both love cookies as does darknes - double-chocolate for him I believe). Going dark is a bit farther along that path. It shows that you have moved on with your life and don't need him any more and you don't need him to see your light but you can still let that light shine brightly.
Speaking of light, some of the reading you've been assigned as well includes the "lighthouse" story which is personally an inspiration for me on my own journey. I tend to tell jokes when I'm under stress or nervous so it should be no surprise when I also mention the version of that which I read which was titled "be a lighthouse and not a tugboat".
Good luck - this is going to take a lot of work.
Sending you good thoughts.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Wow, what a tough spot to be in. I can't offer any advice on how to deal with your D but I can share my thoughts on dealing with your WH.
You need to come down and come down hard on him. You not only need to go dark but actually pitch black. You need to move straight the the last resort technique in the book. You need to completely cut him off from your life (except for taking care of your D) so long as he is going to treat you this way. He needs to choose. Its either you or the OW. He can't have both. Right now, you are allowing him to come and go as he pleases and that's not cool. You deserve better than this. You need to 180, GAL and detach. You need to emotional divorce him. You need to see that your M has died and start finding out how to live your life without him. I know this sounds harsh and counter intuitive but THIS is exactly how you will have a chance at saving your M. He needs to show that he is willing to completely end his R with OW and go 100% NC. Only then can you consider working on your M.
Me: 48 y/o W: 47 y/o Together: > 20 yrs BD: Dec '15, then S 2nd BD: Mar '16, then I filed for D April '16: started piecing
Dear CT1118, I am very seriously planning to buy a home with him as I want to leave here where we have been renting.
Luv1589,
When I read that your WH offered to buy a home for you to live in, it made me think that he is making it even more difficult for you to leave him. I personally think this is a bad bad bad idea, I understand the desire to leave where you are, but I think that purchasing a home at this time will limit your choices in the future. I'm not saying you should or will leave him, I'm just saying that it's not a bad thing for him to realize you'll be alright without him and might leave him. If he knows your stuck, it will prevent him from feeling the loss of you.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
Dear Andrew , Thank you so very much for your kind support ! I have been reading all the links that cadet gave me, in fact stayed up way too late reading them LOL. I think you are entirely correct in that the old marriage is destroyed and dead. Whether or not there will be a marriage in the future remains to be seen . I am at the moment trying very hard to focus on working on my issues . I have tons of time as I have never been alone in my life and I don't have a job right now. Many hours to fill trying hard not to Let them be filled with pain.H has said that he wants a divorce and while he does at times seem ambivalent I do believe him. I'm not convinced That focusing on the OW isn't useful as she may just have been a convenient Segway out of the home situation . Regardless of where he ran to, he was running from this relationship . I have over the past year indulged in some pretty crazy behavior but today I am in a much closer to acceptance stage . I'm not saying I am not hurting as I had thought we were going to grow old together and now I am in position i'll be 57 years old and alone . After 32 years of marriage and allowing myself to become far too isolated and dependent on my family dynamics I am now utterly and completely alone .
W-57,H-55 Married-32 years 3 kids S-30,S-28,D-25 EA / PA ? June 2015 Walked out ,moved in with OW 10/2015 moves back 1/2016 still in love with OW and moves out July 2016
I stepped out for a few hours for a divorceCare group at my church and I am so overwhelmed at the kind responses. I do own Divorce Remedy and also bought a few sessions with a coach. I'm trying to work on my issues as I know the marriage decline did not occur without both sides.I will keep reading and posting.Thanks!!