Very close to giving up

[Jug]

So she started ic first, well before I found out about the A. She claims the om idea came from the counsellor. Also, when I asked if we could see that one as a couple, she said the counsellor refused because she's too partial to the Ww. It has always smelled bad.

Ww is a sahm and hasn't worked since we've been married. Our son is 4 so you do the math. She has a college degree from a prestigious school too.

[Jug]

Our couples mc sessions seemed to be an act on her part to "show that she's trying." We were given exercises that she was either too tired to do or just half a$$ed. One of her favorite lines is "I'm here, aren't I?" We have a session Friday and I booked an "emergency" coaching session for today. Plan to speak to a L this week as well.

[Jug]

She doesn't know that I know about the package.

[Cadet]

Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.

Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.

It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.

We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.

Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.

[CT1118]

I criticized, wasn't a good listener, and was rather grumpy for the past few years. Our son had a number of medical issues and was generally difficult. She gets migraines and needs more help. We don't have family close by that could help. I helped but was grumpy. I rarely got a break between work and taking over with the baby. I pushed for breaks to go exercise and do my hobbies and she felt abandoned. Our sex life was never good...

Jug, sorry to hear about this sitch. Understand where you are at mentally. You listed these items above. What have you thought about them and have you taken any action to address change within yourself if you felt they had validity? Also, "sex life was never good" is that your statement of truth or is that something she said?

[Jug]

I have the DR book as well as two books recommended by the coach and a stack of others on affairs and communication. Some I've read several times.

I own my contributions to the marriage not being good and have been working on them. They are rooted in attitude and she has even commented on my improvements some times. "I'm jealous of your next wife."

I've also been attending cbt sessions for my anxiety. It seems to help.

I recognize that these things all benefit me even if my marriage is doomed.

[Jug]

I agree that the sex life was never good and that certainly didn't help. Can me a cause and a symptom.

[sandi2]

Hi Jug, sorry to hear about the problems in your MR. You seem willing enough to try in getting help/advice. Has the subject of betrayal and the affair been addressed by the MC?

Ww refused to stop contact after ea confirmed. Broke many of the db rules over time but have been adhering to them for about a month. She lies about all aspects of the A and says I'm wrong to focus on the OM and we should try to reconnect instead.

Did she propose a plan of how to reconnect with a third party in the M?

If you can give us more marital history, it helps us get a clearer picture. Can you briefly describe the two of you before M? (How you got along, etc.)

Has there ever been any type of inappropriate communication or contact with people of the opposite sex since the M?

What would your W do with her time, before having a child?

Has the sex life in the M always been bad? And, by that, do you mean she wasn't as interested? Have you been living in a SSM?

P.S. Thank you for the encouraging things you had to say.

[Jug]

Hi Jug, sorry to hear about the problems in your MR. You seem willing enough to try in getting help/advice. Has the subject of betrayal and the affair been addressed by the MC?


It was addressed and Ww refused to speak about it or propose ways to address my feelings.

Ww refused to stop contact after ea confirmed. Broke many of the db rules over time but have been adhering to them for about a month. She lies about all aspects of the A and says I'm wrong to focus on the OM and we should try to reconnect instead.

Did she propose a plan of how to reconnect with a third party in the M?

No. She brought up the OM before my knowledge of the A.

If you can give us more marital history, it helps us get a clearer picture. Can you briefly describe the two of you before M? (How you got along, etc.)

The story of how we met is romantic and exciting. Involves a lot of travel because we only dated long distance. We married quickly and without much in person contact.

Has there ever been any type of inappropriate communication or contact with people of the opposite sex since the M?

Not that I'm aware of.

What would your W do with her time, before having a child?

She has always played video games and we watched movies and tv together. She used to read a lot as well.

Has the sex life in the M always been bad? And, by that, do you mean she wasn't as interested? Have you been living in a SSM?

It really was always bad. I was pushy and we had lots of fights about it early on, even agreeing that I couldn't initiate anything. And none for over a year now.

P.S. Thank you for the encouraging things you had to say.

You are welcome! Thank you for reading my posts!

[ForGump]

Coaching has emphasized connection and being friends.

Have they explained why this approach makes sense?

I would guess your W sees you as a platonic friend, and just working on being friends will only deepen her conviction that you're not husband material (i.e., romantic, sexual partner). What do you think?