Focus on Me and my Boys 7

[J5K]

Old Thread:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2696795#Post2696795

[J5K]

Exchange days cause a lot of anxiety for me. I found a nice little book with 30 meditation quotes for healing. I will read one or two of those prior to meeting up with STBX to calm me and remind me that I am a good person and that I cannot control what she says and does.

[sandi2]

Is there no other person who could go in your place?

[J5K]

Sandi,

Unfortunately there is not.

I just kept thinking that I could save the M. I did not let go.

STBX would always criticize. I am damned if I do, I am damned if I don't. I treat her poorly by not speaking with her, then when I do, she does not want to talk.

As everyone has repeatedly told me here, fake it. That is what I am going to do. Whether she senses it or not will not make a difference anymore she wants the D.

No matter what I say it is wrong, if I take action, it is wrong, if I take no action, it is wrong with STBX.

Last week when we met she said that she did not care that the boys will have two parents that are D'd right in front of them. Shame on her for saying that, I disagreed and she did not care so I just need to get this whole thing over with so the boys can start having some sort of normal life.

There are 7 people that will hurt in some form or another through this whole ordeal. All because one person doesn't care enough about family to make them the priority.

[lt0402]

No matter what I say it is wrong, if I take action, it is wrong, if I take no action, it is wrong with STBX.

JK, I know how you feel on this. It's extremely frustrating being stuck in a problem that doesn't have a solution. Best you can do is just keep on showing ahead for you and your boys sanity.

Last week when we met she said that she did not care that the boys will have two parents that are D'd right in front of them. Shame on her for saying that, I disagreed and she did not care so I just need to get this whole thing over with so the boys can start having some sort of normal life.

That's a horrible thing for your W to say in front of the kids. May be that she was trying to bait you into overreacting by saying something so awful in such an inappropriate setting. Either way, I'm sorry your kids had to hear that. bleh...

There are 7 people that will hurt in some form or another through this whole ordeal. All because one person doesn't care enough about family to make them the priority.

Like you, I'm worried about the same thing with my D and us. Our Ws seem to think everything is rainbows and all problems disappear w/o us in the picture. They don't seem to grasp that their issues are also contributing to the problems. I find myself worried about my Ws issues continuing to be detrimental to D as we grind through this whole S and divorce thing too.

JK, you are a strong dude and are doing a good job of handling a very difficult situation. You should be proud of yourself and know we're here to support you!

[SH_]

I just kept thinking that I could save the M. I did not let go.

JK, I strongly encourage that you stop ruminating on this. Focus forward.

STBX would always criticize. I am damned if I do, I am damned if I don't. I treat her poorly by not speaking with her, then when I do, she does not want to talk.

WW behavior blah blah blah. Focus forward.

As everyone has repeatedly told me here, fake it. That is what I am going to do. Whether she senses it or not will not make a difference anymore she wants the D.

JK, faking it until you make it is NOT for her. It is for you. She wants a D. you get that now. Focus forward.

No matter what I say it is wrong, if I take action, it is wrong, if I take no action, it is wrong with STBX.

Did I mention WW behavior blah blah blah? Here is a thought.
If WW is wrong and everything she insinuates that you do is wrong, does that mean maybe you are wrong? Or is it right? 2 negatives make a positive? or a negative?
Lets just stick with FOCUS FORWARD!
You do what you think is right and WW be damned already.

Last week when we met she said that she did not care that the boys will have two parents that are D'd right in front of them. Shame on her for saying that, I disagreed and she did not care so I just need to get this whole thing over with so the boys can start having some sort of normal life.

WW wife behavior again. She does not care about anyone but herself JK. Seems like that is what everyone is shouting at you while you are running towards the wrong end zone.
And yes, as soon as you focus on you, you can help the boys have a "normal" life. This is Focusing forward.

There are 7 people that will hurt in some form or another through this whole ordeal. All because one person doesn't care enough about family to make them the priority.

JK, Focus forward. Stay in your lane.
It is very important that you start to look forward and rebuild.
Your rants here are starting to sound very much of a victim mentality and that is dangerous for your mental health and well being.
You can be a victor here. You have many things in your favor and you have shouldered a big responsibility, and you need to cut those damn puppet strings before you get strangled on them my friend.

Share some more posts of positive things happening. Or better yet, positive things that you are doing to overcome.
Minset is a powerful thing both for good and bad. Reading your posts can lend to the perception of things going bad.
Stop, take a breath, gather your team together (See my post on Cherrys thread for this)and regroup.
Why are you doing everything on your own?

I pray for you every day, and I am cringing more days than not from you updates and doing quite the opposite of so much good advice here.

Please find some peace today. I am praying for you my friend.
I really am.

[J5K]

LT and SH,

Thanks for the support. It is just frustrating for me because I always have a solution to every problem. No matter what the outcome. I guess this time the outcome is not what I want and have to accept it, even though I know there is a better solution. My perception vs. STBXs is quite the opposite.

I am not trying to sound like the victim. Yes kids are resilient but these boys need extra love and attention based on their history. No child should have to go through this.

Well the exchange went well. STBX brought MIL. I came out of the apartment with my video camera on, kept it on until she drove away. STBX rolled her eyes and mumbled something. We kept our distance and the boys went to play on the playground. Nice to have noise in the apartment again!

[SH_]

JK,

Google victim mentality.
I think at this stage you need a little wake up call so you can get focused forward.

It is defined that as having a belief that one is powerless or that they can not get what the want, lack of trust in others, not getting what one wants and that life is difficult.

Read what you wrote here and continue to write post after post.

It is just frustrating for me because I always have a solution to every problem. No matter what the outcome. I guess this time the outcome is not what I want and have to accept it, even though I know there is a better solution. My perception vs. STBXs is quite the opposite.

I am not trying to sound like the victim. Yes kids are resilient but these boys need extra love and attention based on their history. No child should have to go through this.

And this one

I just kept thinking that I could save the M. I did not let go.

STBX would always criticize. I am damned if I do, I am damned if I don't. I treat her poorly by not speaking with her, then when I do, she does not want to talk.

As everyone has repeatedly told me here, fake it. That is what I am going to do. Whether she senses it or not will not make a difference anymore she wants the D.

No matter what I say it is wrong, if I take action, it is wrong, if I take no action, it is wrong with STBX.

Last week when we met she said that she did not care that the boys will have two parents that are D'd right in front of them. Shame on her for saying that, I disagreed and she did not care so I just need to get this whole thing over with so the boys can start having some sort of normal life.

There are 7 people that will hurt in some form or another through this whole ordeal. All because one person doesn't care enough about family to make them the priority.

And this one

Sometimes I feel like just telling STBX, here, take everything, here is a diamond ring, the boys, let's just let the past go and become a family again. Talk to me, don't talk to me, just take everything you feel entitled to take.

JK,
I really encourage you to get in with an IC and discuss this. Victim mentalities are entrenched in a belief system and your posts from the beginning are all on the same track of things are just happening to you and all of your over analyzing is leading you to dead ends. You are bing perceived as if you have no control of anything that is happening to you or your boys.
I know that part of the process is to go through this, but I will say it again.
You need to work at changing the mindset if you are to come through healed and in a better place.
You can take care of those boys o matter their history. you are their father now and you can control you.

You are in my prayers.

[Mach1]

No matter what I say it is wrong, if I take action, it is wrong, if I take no action, it is wrong with STBX.

Did I mention WW behavior blah blah blah? Here is a thought.
If WW is wrong and everything she insinuates that you do is wrong, does that mean maybe you are wrong? Or is it right? 2 negatives make a positive? or a negative?
Lets just stick with FOCUS FORWARD!
You do what you think is right and WW be damned already.

Think about it this way...

There are three sides to every story..

There is yours, hers, and somewhere stuck deep in the middle, is where the truth lies...

What she feels and believes is HER truth, and no matter what you do, you will never change her truth for her....

Same as what YOU feel and believe is YOUR truth. Could she ever convince you that your truth is wrong ???

That is why it is imperative to know the difference, be totally honest with your shortcomings, own them, and live YOUR truth as you know it...


BTW....That whole post was pretty awesome SH....

I am not trying to sound like the victim. Yes kids are resilient but these boys need extra love and attention based on their history. No child should have to go through this.

Uhm...

Kids are NOT naturally resilient...

They become that way because of what they are shown during difficult times.

They learn from what they see, maybe even more than from what they hear...

Hence the phrase "actions speak louder than words"...

What they hear, they may believe, they may not, one day...

What they see ???

That's where you wanna be buddy....

[rich4j]

Love this quote...think of it JK with the boys:

"Remember that you are a memory-maker at a crucial time in your childrens lives....give them something to remember that they will respect, emulate and repeat with their children"

So it stinks about the D and maybe this is unforunately the thing they remember but how you try to act and conduct yourself is what they will probably take the snap shot of. I am trying to live this with my sitch too JK and its hard. Yours is one of the most stressful to read as I feel your pain with your STBX and juggling of that many kids. My D7 asked me the other day if mom asked me to leave and I had to bite my tongue for now and say we decided it was best for us to do this...it was our decision.

But be the memory maker and that they will take the snapshots of how you are...not your STBX!