WHs do come back--Piecing--acceptance & time

[Coly23]

Hi Blu, it's great to hear that you and your H are reconnecting. I can't imagine what you went through living in a town where everyone is likely to know your business.

Please stop by my thread if you have time but I am struggling at the moment and feel like I have stalled. Did you get moments when you felt like that to? I am going semi-dark with my H as we have one evening a week of family time my D, his SD but he doesn't seem to make the effort unless either me or my D prompt him. This week I've turned down an invitation to Sunday lunch with him and D as he only suggested this after D asked when we were seeing him. I don't want to seem too available but how do I DB when I hardly see him? I've stopped chasing him, texting for the last two weeks unless it is about D of the house which I've only done twice, but it seems like he isn't even bothered anymore. I keep getting these urges to just call him and ask him what is going on but I know that would be pursuing. How did you cope?

[SH_]

Thank you everyone.

SH, I recall reading on your thread that you are able to give wonderful support to others but perhaps not as much kindness to yourself. I was thinking about that too. Sometimes for me, it is easier to take care of others than give self care. Self care can require looking inside our minds and history, which in itself can be painful.

I have been wondering lately if there is such a thing as being too detached? I think I may be swinging in that direction. I'm not giving up on my M, not walking away, but realize at times I can be numb. I think it's a natural protective mechanism in this sitch.

I can list so many reasons why H is a good man, father, and partner. I do feel he is staying the course and committed to me and the family. I also find that the triggers are finally fading. There was a long while where I felt so much PTSD--a full on visceral response--that I was scared it would never work.

The numbness is slightly new. I am not sure exactly what it means but I am okay with it. It's a welcome relief. I still feel that part of my control is accepting where things are in the present. I have faith that things will settle into place as they should in time. I can't predict what will happen in the M, but I can surrender myself to giving up control.

I am secretly hoping that this is why people say successfully recovering from an A can lead to a better M. I don't know. But I do know that I like myself a lot more now than I did before any of this chit started years ago.

Hang in there DBers, this is a LONG arse road!

-Blu

Hello Blu!

I saw you driving around the neighborhood so thought I'd stop by.
I read this post again and gave pause as it is a place that I am in a holding pattern with right now.
The feedback from several about my lending support and guidance outward, but maybe not so much to myself does feel to be an issue for me.
I am struggling as I look inward as it is such a numb place right now, and if I stare for a moment to long there is a burst of anger that I quickly slam the door on and then engage in something for someone else.
I know I need to figure out my own demons so I can move forward, but the challenge has been a bit overwhelming.
I want to be as far from her as possible and obsess a bit on how to more severe the rope that will keep us bound.
She is doing a good job herself of shredding this rope by alienating her d18 in a nasty sort of way. But D5 will be the challenge for me. I want all contact with WAW gone as her bitterness has just become such an annoyance that it....well it's just an annoying nagging thing to deal with several times a week. Ugh!!!

I just have to get a plan for my own future in place and place all focus on it and let those chips fall where they may.

Blu I hope you are doing well and I appreciate your wisdom and support that you share with us.

[LiM]

Hi Lim,
When they do come back, it is with very mixed emotion. For me it was shock, relief, reconnecting, very quickly followed by anger, fear, and resentment. Then I cycled around several 1000 times. Sometimes over the course of several weeks and other times all in a day.
Blu

Thanks for replying Blu and sorry for hijacking your thread a little. What you said above is EXACTLY what I've been struggling with so its helpful to know its normal. I hate the thought that I will probably, like you, still be struggling with the same thing a year from now. Hopefully not as much as I am now.
The month of July was really hard for me. I'm doing a little better now. I've been working on detaching and not allowing myself to be carried up and down on the rollercoaster by things she says or does. I have to keep reminding myself that she is still not in her right mind. Its clear by some of the things she says and does that she has a long ways to go to make peace and make amends for what happened. My W IS trying; she is committed, she does love me, she is remorseful, she does want to stay M. But things are still night right in her head. I guess my choice is to be patient and supportive while continuing to work on my LiM issues or I can leave. While staying is painful, I don't think leaving is the right answer.
Deep breaths. Give it to God.

[BluWave]

Coly, hello there.

Yes, I will def read your thread and post there :-)

I honestly did not cope very well. My H practically destroyed me because I LET him. I was a mess for a long time; anxious, depressed, and sickly. That is WHY I am here. I see now that I did not DB and how I stalled his ability to come back. More importantly than that, I did not take care of myself (love, value, and respect myself) like I deserved.

What helped me cope (when I did cope) were slowing down my mind, allowing myself to live one day at a time (sometimes one hour), not making decisions or reacting on emotions, then letting myself feel good when I didn't, pulling on every source of support that I could, weekly therapy, ADs, and reading these threads frequently. I am lucky to have wonderful family and friends.

I also reminded myself that life is long, people are more resilient than they know, and that things would be okay eventually. I knew somewhere inside that it was true. Accepting the grief is good. Feel the emotions and then let them pass. It's okay to mourn and grieve. And it's also okay to give yourself permission to enjoy things and have good days. You deserve that.

What I wish I could have also done differently and what I tell people here is to LET THEM GO. It's so simple it's hard to understand. When a person hurts us and rejects us, we cannot be nice, be friendly, and hope they will love us again. We can and should tell ourselves that we are worthy of more, we deserve better, and go dark. They do not deserve our attention, to see us weak, or to know our thoughts and feelings.

It wasnt until I let go of H and started to see a life without him that he realized what he was losing. It took me 10 months to hold my head up, let him go, and show the world I deserve better than this fool! No one wants a needy, sad, or weak person. No one wants someone angry or raging at them. No one is attracted to someone waiting for them as they are actively rejecting them. Again, so simple it's hard to understand.

Hold your head up high. Go dark. Let him go. And you take that time to take care of number one. You are number one. If sees over time that you are a beautiful and strong woman that is too good for him, then he can maybe prove to you that he deserves another chance. Maybe.

You can do this!

Blu

[BluWave]

SH & Lim, I have to run now, but I want to check in with you fellas. I will be back later!

:-)))

[BluWave]

(((SH))) you are taking the first step in realizing that it is easier to take care of others than yourself. Remind me, have you read about Nice Guys? You strike me as having a lot of those characteristics! As you know my H is a recovering Nice Guy and it is very hard, soul-searching, work. As you say, looking inside is painful and scary. And your confidence is more in the dumps because of W walking out.

I love seeing the R you have with your Ds. My H is a wonderful, devoted dad too. But he would put them before himself and over time he felt suffocated or empty. I also don't want to see you hide behind them. Is it possible you could be doing this? It's easier (less painful) to focus on kids and not the self. I think it would actually be great for your Ds to see you take a step back from them and have more alone time and your own activities.

Can you make this happen?

-Blu

[BluWave]

(((Lim)))

Your sitch is very promising! You like SH understand the DB philosophy well.

As you know, piecing can be harder than DB. It's extremely painful to be a LBS with a wayward S in an affair, but there is also a crutch of blame and anger that we lean on. When W/H comes back, we must also look at our own part in the demise in the M. It's hard to do that when the other person royally F'd up and it's easier to keep the finger pointed at them.

I did this a lot in the first year. H was the bad guy, he made the mistake, and I was the victim. He owned it all. Problem with that is I would do myself a disservice; if I remained a victim I also disempowered myself from making important changes and growing personally.

It has not been until the last several months that I have been able to detach. It may sound counterintuitive that I am detaching during piecing, but we have realized that both never had healthy attachment/detachment. So now if this M ever ends, it will be a decision we can make and we can process it in a more healthy way. Saying that does not scare me anymore.

So my advise is give it more time. Week by week. Day by day. Mind over heart. Make choices that you want for your life but not out of emotion. In terms of the triggers and PTSD, well if you can keep on the path, those WILL fade over time too. They do not stain nearly as much in just a year or 2! That is where self care comes into play. Talk to your safe people, keep doing your GAL, and let W be on her own journey to healing as well.

-Blu

[Coly23]

Thank you so much Blu and thank you for taking a look at my thread.

I've just had a complete melt down this evening. I am so angry that he has done this to me, to us! We are worth more than than that and all we have been doing is tiptoeing around him so we can make it easy for him to come back. Well I realised what a selfish man he really is and I have been rewarding him for it by being nice to him!

You have really opened my eyes Blu and I can see that my actions have helped him to break away too easily. Your right he is destroying me and I am letting him. Well I am still keeping the door slightly ajar but tonight I made the decision to let him go as at the moment I certainly don't want the man he has become! No more miss nice girl from now on!! I'm removing the bulb and going dark..!

[PsySara]

Hi Blu,
I've been reading your postings since I started reading here. May I ask some questions? When you trigger, do you go to your H and tell him about it? WH told me he wanted to be there for me when I trigger but most of the time he can't handle it, especially if I cry. Instead of listening he gets defensive and last time told me I need to see a therapist as he cannot be mine. (I work long hours as I am a physician so finding time to go to therapy is basically impossible right now) Should I expect him to be able to see my pain? The other day was particularly bad as he started telling me how OW was a better match for him because she never complained, was always cheerful, etc., She also was a 21 year old with no responsibilities except herself and they only had a 7 week relationship in total. So yeah, they never argued, go figure.

[BluWave]

Coly, I just posted to your thread. I wanted to add the importance of being gentle with yourself. This is all terribly traumatic. It took me a long time, and a lot of support, to heal from the pain and distress this caused me. Gather all the support you can right now.

Go to your safe people and let them care for you. Find some GAL activities for you alone and with D. Eat well, sleep well, exercise, meditate, take long walks, join a new group, let your mind rest, and do whatever it is that makes you feel a little bit better that day. Wake up the next morning, rinse, and repeat. One day at a time of this and one day at a time of going dark and cutting him out of the picture right now.

(((Coly))) You and D will get through this. All in time.

-Blu