WAW, bouts of anger still spewing, awaiting the D.

[SH_]

Great updates.I like your L.

I imagine that if W truly wanted to reconcile she would not be the person you doubt you want back! Just a thought.

Interesting point.
If that happens, I hope I would give her a chance.

I wanted to add something to my last post. Check out my last thread or look up caliguys thread. There is a tool about changing character traits and involves three lists.

1 list things you like about you
2 list things you dislike about you
3 list things that you find admirable in others or in an ideal you.

First list is to show you you already have many fine qualities. Then work towards replacing items from list 2 by items on list 3.

Some people here have found this exercise helpful in becoming the person they want to be, but also helps to get moving again. Let me know your thoughts on that.

I like this and will review it and share back for accountability. I am looking to do this. I want to make changes, that stick, be a better version of me.

to go on the latest fun activity. Love that why the hell not attitude.

It has been fun. I am planning a real skydive and motorcycle int he coming months. I plan to punch some of my fears int he face.
I have been seeking and reviewing material about overcoming fears. I will share some of the Ted Talk I watched today. Very good info and plans for change indeed.

[SH_]

I will help if I can. I am busy this week but will check in from time to time. Best wishes

No hurry. I am taking tome to ponder and work on myself.
As you are able, I look forward you your wisdom and thoughts.

[SH_]

Hey SH, just showing some support and offering prayers for you. Thank you so much for your feedback on my sitch, I really appreciate it; your words have brought me comfort when I needed it the most.

Thanks melo for swinging by my place here. The drama has simmered down a bit, and now it's me focused on my inner demons and working to conquer them. I still have the drama of a D being finalized, but my limbo there continues as no word from my L in spite of my attempts to contact. Hope he is okay.

Chin up I say and slap a pencil above your top lip and smile big.
That is how I take one step at a time when I feel the urge to punch a rock. grrrr

[roist]

SH. I am glad my thoughts helped you think about things.

I thank you for your detailed and honest reflections.It is only by being honest and facing that truth that we can advance. You are doing that. Keep going.

In your replies I notice some consistencies.

1. You seek to understand........ understand her, you, your situation,wwhy, what next, etc. Understanding does help most times and I share the desire to understand. However some things are beyond our understanding and cannot be explained logically and then placed nicely in an appropriately labelled storage box.

Plus whereas understanding does give insight, it is not always necessary to move forward. You have a situation. You decide how you deal with it and you move forward. Accepting things at face value can be enough to determine how to move forward. Over analysing holds us back.

2. It is often said here that D is just s piece of paper. It changes nothing in absolute terms. That works in both senses. Being divorced will not change that much for you. Because of your daughters ye will be obliged to have many interactions for years to come.

What do you want to do that you cannot do until you are divorced ? A part from dating, which I believe you are not ready for yet, there is nothing stopping you doing whatever you want to do now.

YOU are setting your own limitations.

3. LOVE. If I were you I would park this issue of love for now. You don't need to determine if you love her now, as it is irrelevant at the moment.You don't need to determine if you really loved her in the past. Firstly it is in the past and will always be there if you want to revisit this later.Secondly, our feelings change and are affected by our current emotions. Just like the WAS the way the LBS looks back on the R is also clouded. Dome see it with rose tinted glasses, others in shades of grey/black.

I got to go. I may come back with other thoughts but I looking forward to hearing about your "trait changing lists"

One last thought about feeling guilty for moving on so quickly. That is probably the best thing you could have done. It is a good thing. If W wants to reconcile, you can decide then what you will do. If it is too late, it is her loss.

[SH_]

I am pondering on my reply to your comments roist.
Much goodness and sincerity in your thoughts.
Much to think about and organize with the exercise you have provided.

Thank you my friend.

[SH_]

quick update.
I have received the d paperwork and a bitshocked at my lack of shock to seeing them.
In fact there was a small sense of....I am not sure the words, but anxiousness to be finished with this. I felt anxiousness like before doing something that will be good for me, but it is unknown what the future holds.
Almost a sense of excitement to a whole new world.

Is this right? I have put in efforts to get myself together, but the time has been short and I am ready to move forward without her.
Is it that with each brief interaction I see her devolving more and more into something the I am not only not attracted to, but seems to be cancerous to my well being and that of my future goals and dreams?

Am I a cold emotionless person that uses detachment to protect myself. Was I detached for many years in an unhealthy manner in an unhealthy relationship that forced her to decide she no longer was attracted to me and anger was her way out and then leave and D?
I look back and see many relationships with persons that I was close to fall off and I remember the hurt, but I had to learn to recover and move on.
Whether it was a close friend that moved away or we moved away from, a high school GF, a close friend that had a falling out with me, a college GF or even a couple of siblings that cut me off and to this day, I do not know why. Is it me that drives them off. Is it me that stays at a distance clinging to their friendship, but displays an emotional cautiousness that leads them away? Has this habit carried to this point in my MR?

I am pondering the words of wise roast to me here, and they have strong merit and much wisdom but my mind, heart and soul are in a struggle here over what I know, what I feel and what my mind has clouded my past history in recollection of it.

Why?

[Phoebe]

Hi, SH.

I am glad for you that the D ball is finally starting to roll. Limbo is a reasonable place to hang out for a little while, but it's nowhere anyone would want to hang out forever. I've been there so long I'm not even certain that major D progress eill change anything at all.

Sorry, SH. I'm falling asleep ahain

[Natus]

Hey SH, it may be impossible for us to fully understand it as we are deep in it. Im going through very similar emotions now too and like you trying to make sense of it. Maybe for now we dont have to? we just have to do whats best for us and our love ones and in time when we can reflect back.

mmmm dunno im just musing. Not really an advice.

[Phoebe]

Hi again, SH. I'm back and checking in on you!

When I was seeing my grief counselor, one of the things I talked to her about extensively was my struggle to understand what had happened. She just said to me, 'Phoebe, part of the grieving process for you may simply coming to accept that you may NEVER understand why your WH did any of this.' I think she's right. It is very, very likely that I won't ever understand fully what has happened or why, and I think that I can be OK with that.

I'm going to head to sleep, and I wish you a restful night, too!

((((((((((SH))))))))))

[JksD]

Hi SH, I agree with Phoebe. We may never understand what's happening or what happened. But we need to give ourselves closure.

I will never know when the x's A started- it could have been 4 years ago or it could have been after the D started rolling as he claimed. I will never know if he had ever loved me. I will never really understand what might have, could have been.

But I just need to keep on swimming.