Zephyr, thanks again for the positive words. Yes, I am excited about moving home. A little scared too, won't have help from my parents, things will get a little more complicated yet for hand-off of kids. The girlfriend is wonderful... too wonderful?
Some strange stuff going on the last few days. I mentioned I met xW for dropping off the kids, she was cold and bitter looking.
FF#2 and her 2 kids and her niece, all kids that my kids hung out with just a day or so earlier... they saw my kids at a parade. My kids were apprehensive because they were with xW. xW acted stuck up and cold to FF#2.
I have my kids tonight through Thursday. My parents are not available to bring the kids back to xW, apparently xW's mother isn't either, and now xW doesn't want the hand-off to be from me to her direct, even though we just did it a couple days ago. WTH?
I am glad I didn't wait for xW to come around, for 2 reasons. First, her being so bitter, I don't see her ever coming out of it. Second, realizing some of the crazy stuff she said and did while we were together, I am glad it is over and I don't have to deal with it any longer. Wel, not on a continuous basis anyway. If she had come back, I probably would have taken her back, just to go through the heartache again.
Actually, there's a third reason... If xW had come around, I never would have met GF, and seen how much better a conversation could be (there's no such thing as blaming for example), the affection, the passion of her kisses, the wonderful se.... Never mind, I'll stop there.
I'm doing OK Zephyr.... Getting nervous about going home tomorrow.
GF spent last night with me again.... Things are going very very well with her. We talk about just about everything. Last night we discussed codependence and how it may be impacting our R, what we have to make sure we avoid, etc. Kind of a touchy subject as you can imagine, I don't want her to feel like I am needy, and only like her because she fills needs for me, when she is truly an incredible person.
Even with the night going well, I notice some stuff inside of me.... Is it my ego sabotaging like V warned about?
The triggers:
First, GF said she is concerned about xW's feelings, and if me being with GF will hurt xW. Two parts to this, GF is a sweetheart for being concerned about xW, even know she knows what xW did to me. And the fact that xW is probably bitter because she is hurting badly. It's ridiculous, xW did this, but I will venture to guess that deep down xW knows it is wrong but can't stop making up excuses for her actions, and trying to hurt me because she thinks it will make her feel better.
Second trigger, telling my mom how xW is getting worse yet, more vindictive, and my mom said it is probably because xW is being forced out of the house. My mom didn't say it, but I also wonder if xW caught wind of GF, and it is bothering her that I am enjoying life without her.
The third trigger, on the way to drop my kids off with xMIL, the kids talked about noticing xW and xMIL's bitterness. This is NOT what it best for the kids, and hurts me to know they are picking up on it and feeling it.
Fourth trigger, being afraid of moving back into my house, and the feelings it may stir up. I will have the kids with me, and I am worried I will lose it in front of them, and cry when I see my stripped down house, or the anger that might come up when I see the mess she left behind, the grass not cut, etc.
This combination was enough to bring tears to my eyes, while laying in bed with GF. It was not right to mix these feelings with my feelings for GF. I think it caused me to go into "relationship comparing" mode after that, which is totally not fair for GF. I managed to stuff it down, and continued to have a wonderful night, knowing full well the feelings would be back. So now I am processing them at work instead.
GF and I had already agreed that we would not see each other at all this weekend, both because I have my kids and because of the emotions the house may cause. I am glad we agreed on that, I think it will be an issue. In fact our next meeting isn't planned at all, the plan is that I will see how the weekend goes and how I feel to figure out when we see each other next. I don't want her to be any part of this battle or for me to have to mix those feelings again, as tempting as it may be to have her there and comforting me. This is turning out to be more confusing than I imagined, it started off so well with seeing just how great GF is, how I connect with her like no one before. Hopefully this passes quickly, I don't like it.
i am glad you decided to give yourself a reprieve during this transition back into the house. I am really excited that you can tell that this is something that you need to face without a crutch (for lack of better term)
I can only imagine all of the feelings that could be swirling for you. be kind to yourself.
I went to the house today, made the first trip. Some little things upset me, like the grass isn't cut, xW took the curtain and shower head from the kids shower, a few small things like that. She left a couple things she didn't need to. So, not too concerned overall.
The emotions about the house were actually decent, not missing xW, just a little frustrated with her. Hauled in a couple pieces of furniture, and felt like I was already 1/2 way to rebuilding my life.
My parents and brother helped with moving my stuff. Went out to eat for lunch. GF happened to be going by, so she stopped, I got a hug to refill my emotional needs, and happily went on with life. Huh, in hindsight, all I "needed" from her was a hug? That doesn't seem too bad.
So yeah, overall, the day is going pretty dang good!!!
Yesterday made a second trip from my parents' house. Kids and I went shopping, long story but ended up pretty late when we got back.
Got up this morning and quickly got ready for church. I went with GF last weekend, first time I have ever gone just to go in my entire life. Brought the kids with today, they were semi excited about it and almost seemed to enjoy it. Sat with GF, and right behind GF's parents. GF's D17 showed up right after it started, and squeezed in right next to us, so GF's D17, my D9, my S11, me, GF, and GF's grandma. Her D17 remembered my kids from when xW had brought them to previously, she helped with the kids in the basement during service. GF's D19 sat 2 rows up.
Afterward, went to a church luncheon, with GF and her kids and my kids. Then we all went to my house except GF's D19. GF's D17 stuayed until 9 pm, GF left at 11:30 pm. It was an incredibly enjoyable day.
Tomorrow (Monday) will be the kids and until evening when they back with xW.. GF will come over after and spend the night.
I have a ton of stuff to do, not sure when I'll do it all.
Things with xW are getting worse, I think. More crazy accusations through atty's, including that I supposedly told the kids that I was going to marry someone much better than xW, that I am only happy when I make xW miserable, stuff like that. As much as I have had thoughts like that, no way would I ever share something like that with my kids. I don't honestly know if the kids are making this stuff up, or xW. I asked vaguely, the kids deny it. I did not ask details. I have a feeling xW is making it up herself.
LOTS more to share, but have been too busy to get on here and journal. Which isn't all bad. I went from almost nothing to do, to having way too much to do. It was just me wandering through life aimlessly, no projects, no home. Now I am spending a lot of time trying to knock down the hay fields that xW left behind, she literally didn't mow most of the lawn all summer, only mowed part once. I have probably 5-10 acres to mow, and many hours into it already. With it so tall, 3 passes over it and it still doesn't look quite like a "yard" again.
There is a list of things xW took from the house that she wasn't supposed to. Some things are clear in the D decree. Some are just her being greedy. It has been listed through atty's.
I picked up the kids from xMIL one day last week. xMIL as usual looked bitter. xW's brother's kids were in the back seat, and wouldn't even look at me, except out of the corner of their eye. I waved and tried to get their attention, they gave a little wave, but looked like they were about to cry. I looked up at xMIL and she was glaring at me, just p'd off at the world. I am sure she was telling the kids to not look at me, another time the cousins asked if they could get out and say hi to me, xMIL said "Heck no." My kids got in with me, I asked what was wrong with their cousins. They said they didn't know, but my son proceeded immediately to vent about how xMIL was bad mouthing me all day, saying "your dad has caused you and your mother so much pain." WTF? "I" caused them pain? How is that? xW's actions are what did this. I recorded the conversation shortly after it started.
Ironic, my son told me one day, and my parents another day, that all xW does all day is play on her phone when with the kids. During this conversation that S11 was telling me about xMIL bad mouthing me, S11 said that xW and xMIL say that I never do anything with the kids, I just play on my phone all day. I asked S11 how they would know what we do together, he said "they don't, they just keep making up these lies." I asked if he felt that way, he said absolutely not.
Same conversation, S11 tells me xW's POM drinks beer while driving, with my kids in the vehicle with them. Nice!
This was all sent from my atty to xW's atty. He avoided facts, made crazy accusation (like I listed in my previous post), but didn't address anything directly.
This whole thing is really getting old. An eternal pi$$ing contest that is costing us tons of money.
I can't say enough good things about GF. She can't say enough good things about me. Our connection is amazing, we say what the other is thinking more often than not. I can read her like an open book. I never would have thought it was possible if I weren't experiencing it right now. I know there will be plenty of people reading this, doubting the authenticity, saying it's the "honeymoon period" and all that. But that doesn't explain how perfectly we compliment each other, finish each other's sentences, know what the other is thinking with perfect clarity. We joke about how we feel bad that most of the people in the world have never and will never experience something as incredible as we have.
Our families are both very excited for us. GF's family sees her glow, sees us together and how we get along, and are very happy for her. My family, most of them met her for the first time on Sunday, and are happy to see me happy, with someone better than xW ever was.
It is actually a little bit sad, xW spent a lot of time with my family, did things with my nieces/nephews even. My family treated her well, but I don't think she ever fit in for some reason.
