WAS or what 7

[roist]

Yes the list of what is attractive can be added to. One thing many people overlook is "trying". Doing is better but trying should definitely get some recognition. I know the road to hell is paved with good intentions but I salute each and every member here who are trying to save a M a R or a family.

I just came across that 4 point list recently so I q
Quoted it.

[Vanilla]

Roist

Trying is a weak word, an excuse for failure.

Either do or not do!

Never try.

V

[roist]

Yes I agree V. I meant willing to give it a go, willing to fight for what you want, willing to go against the odds.

Trying and hoping are unattractive weak characteristics UNLESSfoklowed by real ACTION.

My intention was to say that it is admirable someone standing for a marriage when their spouse wants out. This is probably not attractive to WaS but I find it admirable. The real Brownie pointsthough are earned by how one stands and more specifically WHAT one does.

Thanks for clarifying my wording

[Vanilla]

Roist

One of the things I have learned and learned well as a result of DB is how important the words we use are in determining our attitude.

It makes a big difference self talk.

One of the things I noticed Roist was the tendency to faulty thinking. Woolly will make the difference between success and failure.

So what do you say that we look at that?

V

[SH_]

Roist

Trying is a weak word, an excuse for failure.

Either do or not do!

Never try.

V

Hmmm....Lady V sounds much like one of my esteemed mentors. A great Jedi master of a short stature and green in color.

"Do, or do not do. There is no try." - Master Yoda.

Very powerful and sound advice.

[roist]

I WILL be mindful of my choice of wording. I let my guard down a nit here but still I will add it to my action list.

All tips/observations are welcome,esp from master V. The force is in me!!

[roist]

I haven't been journaling much lately for many reasons. Mainly I don't have a lot of time and because I feel I am searching for something that can only be found within me.

As of late, I have let myself slip in many ways. There are many reasons/excuses for that but I accept that it is on me. By slipping I mean less GAL,less planning, less moving forward. With summer being pretty busy and kids staying up later etc etc I choose family time over other stuff.

Family activities have been good. But they highlight to me how much this is not how I want to live. I want more. Does that mean separation? I think thati have placed many blockers/restrictions on myself. I am going to work towards removing them and maximise my life within the constraints of living in a loveless M. I have done a lot and made some progress in the past but it is not enough for me.

I have been overtired the last week or so and when tired I think less positively.I know this, so I will see how I feel when I get passed this tiredness. This is also why I am taking the time to journal. To clear my head.

More and more consistently I just don't want to be around my W. I want to get out of the house, out of the bed. Looking objectively at this I know most of my issues are my own. Yes maybe due to my situation or to W but my reactions and thoughts are my own and I am responsible for them. I have allowed myself react with frustration to comments said while W frustrated.I should validate but I didn't.

I know I can support this situation. I am not sure that I want to. What I want to figure out is what I want to DO about it.

My current thinking that I will develop into an action plan is as follows:

1. Improve further my R with sons. At times my boys are headstrong kids and some interactions are not as I want. I have studied this and have idea.BBut I have let my W have too much control in the parenting department.This is logical as she wasn't working and now works school hours, so she is with them most of the time. I know I can be a better dad and could cope on my own.

Whether self imposed or not, I want to change my supporting role to a leading role. I have eased towards that but have noticed W is not ready to give up her "control". This is my interpretation.

I have planned stuff to do with kids, but often she wants to cone too. I don't understand why as that would give her a break from them and me. Anyway that didn't bother me, but maybe I need more alone time with them ( individually and together). If so I will let W know I want more time alone with them

2. Explore what I want in my GAL activities.Sport is one thing and I have integrated it somewhat,but I don't have the energy to do more St the moment. I will find a way to get more energy and set some objectives for next year. This is not putting it off. I want something big enough that it will take that long to prepare.

I am more hungry than ever to meet new people so I will explore that too.

I want to try new stuff. Maybe not take up a new hobby but do some new activities .

If W leaves I can easily picture me doing loads of stuff. Some cannot be done now due to time constraints and preference to spend time with sobs. But if that happens I am a little excited about prospects.I am questioning what more I can do now without separating too. I am not going to wait until things get better or worse for this.

3. I have lost my motivation for my business. It is no t exactly what I want to do. It will be hard to work for anyone else now, but it may be necessary to have the life I want.I have turned my business around and have enough work and assured money to meet our basic needs and then some. But to really earn well I need to put it first, work harder and longer. Whereas that does not frighten me, it is not my priority now.

I have time to decide this and want to choose something that will be interesting for me to do.

This could enable either of us to move on a separation.

4 shortly I will revisit previous action plans and goals and refresh and adjust in function of where I am now.

Thanks for reading this long long post..... again. I would just say that although I may come across as being near breaking point, this time I do not see it like that. When I had to weather the inappropriate friend and early on I was near breaking point. This feels calmer and more so as breaking through point. I could write more but I gotto go work.

Best wishes.

[mutatio]

Thinking of you brother. I hope you get what you need. All is well by me. I don't have a lot to say anymore but I will say this, when the dust settles it all starts to make sense. Be well

[Zephyr]

I am sorry I have not been posting either. I have actually been thinking about your long post all week and how I would want to respond.

honestly i think there is so much truth of your pain in there it is hard to ignore.

as long as you love your wife, you are not in a loveless marriage. love from one can carry a marriage for a long time.

the big question that you have touched on for many many months and have finally come out and asked is if this is what you want to do, to try ro save this marriage?

I believe that we must struggle with that for our own sake. is she worth all this bullshit and pain? are my kids? do I want to be lumped into the group of a-hole fathers that abandon thier families even though you are not and have been the one carrying the torch for so long. maybe that is unfair but it is a reality of the choice to leave. we have to see it through, right?

all those issues you have talked about, relationship with the boys, work / business, gal, self improvement, goals...those are all basically independent from your wife zone that is all on your plate no matter what you chose to do with marriage.

I am glad you see all that and plan on ratcheting back up a bit. you are tired and boy do I understand. you are lonely and your brain is trying to protect you from more pain. you are letting go of her. that is wonderful to hear (might be sad to read, but I believe it is a good thing).

nothing is going to change without a shift in dynamic. I am not a fan of a guy going half-cocked ultimatum mode. no I think he must actually get to the point of being done before he is ready to walk.

some people think it is appropriate or rather good form to discuss ready to walk when you are say 90% done to actually give her a last chance to making a change. I am not sure that it is effective if you are not 100% done and ready to move on. I do think that it is more fair to her, but it has to be genuine and not just another way for a try to control the situation.

uugh that last paragraph came out wonky. oh well.

roiste, i think you are right where you need to be. and can continue as long as you want. if you did not question yourself from time to time I would be more worried.

try to take some time to give yourself a beeak...treat yourself to something fun. I kniw the slog gets us tired but the gal does help. it does. it helps with the moods and our energy level.

bro hugs!!!!!

[roist]

Mut' thank you for taking the time to drop by and touch base with me
I was glad to see you post and will be in touch on your thread shortly. I would have preferred you to come back and see me in a better place or at least a different one. Anyway it is as it is.

Z, I love your ongoing support. You have helped me through many a difficult time. I want to reply to your words but I need to journal first. I would appreciate your thoughts again, even a short one if you do short!!