9% married men in their 40's report not having sex in the last year. 16% of them report having sex a few times a year to monthly. 51% of them report having sex about once a week. 20% of them say 2-3 times a week. 4% of them say more than 4 times a week.
This is based on a study by the Kinsey Institute. To find the actual table and a link to the study, search the Internet for "average is kind of sad." It should turn up at the top.
I've also seen some studies that define (something like) 6-8 times a year or less to be a "sexless marriage."
Me: 50, MLC/WW 45 Young kids Nov 2015: BD1 Apr 2016: BD2 Jan 2017: W filed Feb 2017: D final
My guess is that you already know the answer to your question regarding if it is worth the effort. Yes, otherwise you wouldn't be here.
It is easy to be conflicted when you have so many emotions and thoughts going through your head!
Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
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I'm familiar with both of the scenarios you find yourself in. The "what is normal" question is easy -- every couple is different. Everyone has an innate sex drive, which dictates how often they want to have sex all other things being equal. If your wife likes to have sex twice a week and so do you, that's great! Chances are sex won't be a point of contention.
Unfortunately, when people "couple" they have lots of sex during the honeymoon phase, so differences in sex drive is often a surprise that emerges later, as young people tend to assume everyone is wired the way they are.
That's the baseline -- sex drive is then impacted by a wide range of factors, health, weight, self-esteem, history of abuse, upbringing, boredom, depression, medications, and perhaps most significantly the other dynamics going on in the relationship.
If you find yourself to be the high drive partner with a wife who won't step up for you, it creates a lot of resentment and that resentment tends to come out in all kinds of unintended ways. The consequence is that your wife feels misunderstood and unappreciated and is less willing to have sex with you and around you go.
Setting that aside, it sounds like your wife is emotionally abusive. As someone else mentioned, that's usually due to self-esteem issues. Her inner voice may be telling her that she's "not worthy" so anything at all that comes across as criticism, questioning or lack of support will send her into defend and attack mode. Maybe that sounds familiar?
Unfortunately, there is no short term fix for that. She needs to decide that she wants that to change, and she needs to find the motivation to do the necessary work with a therapist. That's not easy, that's a long, painful road for her, and admitting she has a problem exacerbates how she already feels about herself, so chances are she's going to be stuck where she is.
Your best bet is to get in touch with what you really need in this life. How do you want to live, how do you want to be treated, and how far are you willing to go to get what you need?
Unfortunately, you will probably need to make this situation worse until it gets better. It may come down to an ultimatum that you will leave unless she gets help, coupled with a set of "non-negotiables" for the treatment that you will and will not accept. If you make an ultimatum, you MUST be prepared to follow through on the "or else" or don't even bother doing it.
The question to ask yourself is how you got here? I'm sure her family history wasn't a secret to you when you got married, and I'm sure her behavior didn't change over night. What attracted you to a person who acts this way? Once you knew she acts this way, why did you decide to have kids with her?
That's a key question because chances are if you break up this relationship and put your kids through a divorce, you'll find yourself with someone new with very similar issues. We're attracted to people for a reason, and there's something there you need to investigate.
The first step in all of this is figuring yourself out. How did you get into this relationship, why have you tolerated this behavior for so long? What do you want in your life going forward and what are you willing to do to get it?
Acc
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
So...I bought a book. Not a one of the marriage books, but I will buy one of those as well. I bought a novel. I used to read all the time, but I don't think I've read a book in years. I know I have to start taking care of myself and being me if I'm going to survive in this marriage. Part of that is reading a book. Pretty small step huh? I also had my first coaching session. Interesting.
Married: 15 yrs (anniversary on Aug 4th) Kids: Boy (10) and Girl (7) Age: 47
So...I bought a book. Not a one of the marriage books, but I will buy one of those as well. I bought a novel. I used to read all the time, but I don't think I've read a book in years. I know I have to start taking care of myself and being me if I'm going to survive in this marriage. Part of that is reading a book. Pretty small step huh? I also had my first coaching session. Interesting.
Its a step forward, in a long journey even to the moon, starts with one small step.
The great wall of china started with a first stone..........
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
Sorry about not posting for a while. After my first coaching session I just kept doing what I had been doing. The coach worded it different, but her initial "homework / takeaway" whatever you want to call it was really about boundaries. I may have written before I have read several articles about people who want to get a divorce or even have gotten a divorce, but still live together out of economic necessity.
The only way that works is to really establish boundaries and respect those boundaries. I have thought of it before as to behave like you would at work. You would be cordial, but not overly familiar. You wouldn't bait co-workers into an argument so why do it at home? So I had been doing that before my coaching session, but put some more thought into it and tweeked it since then.
She has been in counseling as well with the therapist we both saw several years ago. I didn't feel then that she was of much use. It was a lot of mirrored conversation. Therapist "Tell me about your day." Client (me or my wife)"It sucked." Therapist "So what your telling me is your day didn't go as planned?" I have so far not been to see her this time around.
However, whether it is the therapist or my change in behavior my wife's has changed as well. She knows that I hate it when she goes to bed (we sleep in separate rooms and have most of our marriage) without saying, "goodnight" and/or getting a hug, peck on the cheek, whatever. So, I had stopped asking or trying for that. You wouldn't kiss a co-worker on the cheek right? In the past I had always been the initiator of that. So we went for several weeks with none of that.
Then low and behold she started initiating it.
We had our anniversary recently. We didn't do anything big and special. The kids were off school that day so we went to see the new "Ice Age" movie and had dinner (with the kids). There were some tense moments, but overall it went okay.
I also went out and bought one of the books the coach suggested. I didn't get Michelle's book; the bookstore didn't have it, but they did have "The Seven Princeples for Making Marriage Work." I started reading on Chapter 3 (you don't always have to go in order you know...the book police won't come and get you).
In this chapter he talks about how he predicts divorce. I haven't finished the chapter yet, but I can say we have our share of 1. Harsh Start-ups, 2. The Four Horsemen are generally stabled in our living room, 3. Noah never saw any flood like the flooding we have (or at least me), 4. We've got lots of body language clues, Sherlock wouldn't have a tough time with this case at all. 5. There are failed repair attempts, but I feel that 90% of the time it's me making the attempt. I'm sure my perception on that is off, but it doesn't work often.
That's about where I finished reading for the day. I know the sixth thing is "Bad Memories." I have a lot of those. She takes a ton of pictures and looking back at those pictures both before and after children most of them remind me of the chaos life was. We might be smiling in the pictures with our arms around each other, but it was many, many times only for that instant.
Well, that's a fairly comprehensive update. It's going better, but my guard is still up somewhat. I do have a little hope now, but I also realize the effort I have to put in and its, "Yuuuge" (to quote one presidential candidate).
Married: 15 yrs (anniversary on Aug 4th) Kids: Boy (10) and Girl (7) Age: 47
Well, just to report in things have been fairly peaceful of late. We actually went together to Costco yesterday (never had been before) at the suggestion of some friends. We spent several hours there looking at what they had to offer and though it might not seem like a big deal, a couple hours at Costco, there were no arguments, no tension, no drama. Decent conversation and a $1.50 for lunch. After we got home surprising things happened as well...sex!! Go figure.
Married: 15 yrs (anniversary on Aug 4th) Kids: Boy (10) and Girl (7) Age: 47
