Just Tired

[TiredTN]

No...if she wants out and we can find a way to work things out with the kids in a way that I think won't be harmful...I'm there. If she wants out there will be no divorce busting on this end.

[TiredTN]

Oh she definitely has depression.
She is taking stuff for it, and it helps, but only to take the edge off.
Her family dynamic is pretty sick too.
Before we were married (before I even knew her) she had an aunt that started making up lies about her.
My wife's brother's wife (her sister in law) was pregnant. My wife's aunt starts telling my wife's mom that the baby isn't the brother's, but is actually my wife's.
My (now) mother-in-law believed it enough to travel a long distance to visit to confirm she didn't have a baby. Now...what the heck kind of aunt would make up that kind of stuff and what kind of mom would believe it?
Her family lies to each other like they are pouring breakfast cereal...it's just no big deal.
Except they all get upset when they catch each other doing it.

My wife in turn lies to the kids.
Mainly about small things ("we are going to leave without you")that do scare the kids sometimes.

So depression? Yes...but there is oh so much more than that.

[Cadet]

Read up the Boundaries thread.

I have been where you are now.

I wish I had some words of wisdom that could help
you FIX all this,
DB'ing is about FIXING yourself and right now
that is what you need to work on.

You didnt break her and you can not FIX her.

[doodler]

TiredTN,

That's some crazy sh*t; no wonder you're tired. I feel for you.

[TiredTN]

So I've read several threads about sex in marriage, it sounds like some people go years without it and others are doing it 2-3 times a week (some more). What is normal? My marriage is definitely starved (I think). We have been at about 8-10 times a year for years. And it's mostly bad sex. The last time we had sex it was so bad I would have rather taken care of business myself. She admits she is just "checking (me) off on a list" of things to do. There is little to no foreplay, no conversation afterwards, no nothing. Just, "let's get this done." What is normal for sex in terms of frequency? What is normal in terms of a "quickie" with no foreplay (or afterplay) vs "real" sex?

[roist]

Are you trying to talk yourself into giving up or seeking sympathy for your lousy situation? You have listed loads of negative stuff about W and her family. I agree it does seem lousy for you.

However if you focus exclusively on the negatives you will see more and more negatives and eventually that is all you see/feel. You should change your focus.

What way have you contributed to the downfall of your M.? By your actions/in actions YOU contributed to getting to where you are. Own that responsability and change YOUR part.

Complaining about something does nothing to fix it. It changes nothing. Without going down the separation/divorce route, what can YOUcchange about your situation?

I would recommend changing how you feel about the situation is a good place to start.

If you find these comments hard, I did so on purpose to help you. Best wishes

[sandi2]

What are the ages of you and wife, and how long have you been M? How many kids and their ages?

Age, health, and the daily stress of family life can all affect how much or little sex the couple has, and that's not counting outside sources of stress. Does your wife have a full time job outside of the home?

It sounds to me like your W has an unhealthy mental attitude. Therefore, she is unhappy......and that affects everything and everyone in the family. It can affect a person's sex drive.

Growing up in a family of negative attitudes can certainly influence the children. If one of the parents were whiners, complainers, fault finders, perfectionist, they think everyone is out to rip them off, etc. and etc., it can certainly "rub off" on their offsprings. If her parents yelled and screamed in her childhood home, she probably fell into that same model that she observed growing up. We often mimic our parents, and don't see it in ourselves, but others can see it.

I believe a lot of those type of negative attitudes can be changed, if the individual wants to change. Sometimes, being educated on the topic is enough to guide the person in a new and better direction. Other times, it may take therapy, life coaching, or spiritual guidance to overcome these nasty outlooks on life. However, the key is willingness. She has to be smart enough to know she is making her life worse....and life for those around her worse, by this terrible attitude.

I can see how it could wear you out, living with a person who never sees any good in anything.

When the two of you were in counseling, I take it was for the MR? Did the counselors address her attitude?

Has the subject of divorce been discussed? Has your W said she wants a divorce?

[TiredTN]

Divorce has been mentioned before. I have brought it up on more than one occasion, but I have stayed partially for the kids, partially for fear of change, partially due to family expectations (I am one of 33 grandkids...of those 33 only one of us has been divorced. That may be a silly thing to think about, but I do think about it).

[TiredTN]

"Are you trying to talk yourself into giving up or seeking sympathy for your lousy situation?" Maybe both!!

Yes, you are right, focusing on the negatives only makes it worse. I have started to try and set better boundaries. I've tried not to "bite" when she makes comments that would generally lead us down the path to an argument, but that's difficult because it can involve the kids education or activities and those things need to be discussed...it's just tough having a sane adult conversation about them.

"What way have you contributed to the downfall of your M.?" I'd say I've been an enabler. I haven't stood up for myself enough, I've played ball when she wants to argue or lie about things. Today for instance my son was asking how we ended up in the town we are in. I began telling him when she interrupted and said that what I was saying was not the reason at all. I let her finish and then proceeded to tell my son the rest of the real story. Surprisingly, after hearing it she didn't continue to try and argue, but just kind of shut up.

As far as what can I do to change the situation? I don't know. At this point I am working on boundaries on all sorts of levels. I read some articles about people who are divorced, but still living together for financial reasons. Several points it made were that you have to treat other with respect, no sex, and everyone has to carry their weight. The no sex thing has kind of been taking care of itself. Treating her with respect is mainly trying to keep the kids in line, but not let her run over them. If I make a mess in the kitchen I clean it up...like I would if I lived alone...clean up your own messes. I have started sorting my laundry separate from hers...seems like a small thing.

"Changing how I feel about the situation." The situation is I feel like part of my life has been on hold. Part of that I think is just having kids, but part of it is our relationship. There are things that I used to do that I just don't know. I used to read a lot of books (novels). I haven't read a good book in years. Again, some of that is kids, but some of that isn't. I kind of have to rediscover myself and how I want to feel about the situation.

Lately...I think I have been more at peace that if the relationship does end that it won't be the end of the world.

[TiredTN]

Here's a funny thing. Back quite a few years ago we taught a young married's Sunday School class. I even worked up some material for marriage seminars. My research showed that the number one reason for divorce was unrealistic expectations (by one party or the other...or both). Now, here I am years later...on a forum trying to decide if it's worth the effort. It is me? Is it her? Do I stay for the kids? Do I kiss them goodbye and see them again on Wednesday? That part of it just breaks my heart. I could do without seeing her for a lot longer than next Wednesday, but not them. I love my kids.