qt4, I can see your feeling emotional now (at the time of writing anyways)... i can tell you there are many stages of grief when going through these phases of an LBS (have you read the posts on here about phases?)...
It's going to continue for a while, I consider myself very detached, but i still find myself in hard times when a new realization comes about. the 'acceptance' of the D is one thing, then the 'reasoning' is another. then 'understanding' and so on... for me i think i've had an additional one lately in that i'm not even sure if my W was the right person to begin with... one that I'm still struggling with today and working with my IC on..
it's good you're continuing your meetings, and anytime "acceptance" is on the plate of someone hurting from something like this... it's going to hit hard... it's okay to cry, men cry, don't be ashamed of it. keep working on yourself, I'm not sure if you're a reader, but there are books on acceptance and detaching that are based on eastern philosophy that might help out a bit. I'd link them but they'd probably get flagged and removed.
Enjoy the UFC fights, it's something new, and more importantly, it's socialization. I'm not a fan either, but I've watched lots of UFC in the past 2 months because it's a fun "guy's night". hang in there qt4, you're doing just fine.
I rewrote that last entry yet again. The reason why is that it seems very important to get straight in my head (and you're not able to edit posts on this message board)
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Caroline Myys wrote that the thing that keeps grief alive the most - is actually not the incident itself but the need to know why it happened. Or who’s to blame. Or could I have done something to fix the situation. These questions keep us from moving on and healing ourselves, they keep us invested in regret and painful memories of the past. If we can only choose to move on in the absence of the answers to these questions - the pain slowly begins to diminish day by day. With a heavy heart, I have to admit that my situation seems very bleak, and we are very far down the road to divorce. A divorce has already been filed, she is unwilling to talk to me right now about why she is doesn’t want to first try to save our marriage by going to counseling, I made some progress in getting her to open her heart and communicate at a deeper level - but then I ‘lost it’ and set myself back months by my impulsive behavior. I’m already living outside the house. Our friends and family already know that we are splitting, which is reinforcing of the situation in and of itself. What else do I need to convince myself this is really happening? I’ve decided that it would be healthier for me to let go of any expectations of what will happen in the future, and to deal ‘with life on life’s terms’. And to let go of the need to know why certain things are happening. This divorce is happening, there’s not much I can do to make her change her mind, but I will be responsible, pleasant and non confrontational about it, and take care of my kids above all else. I’ll also continue to go to 12 step meetings, therapy, and pursue other ways to improve myself as a person - not as a ploy to get my wife back, but because it’s the right thing to do. This tiny hope that I have inside me, I have to snuff it out right now because it is not helping me on any level. My kids need me, and there are a great many things in my life that I have to face up to with a clear mind. I feel like I have to kill off any last vestiges of love I have may for my wife right now, so that I can move on.
Me-45, W-37, T-10 yrs, M-9 yrs D -7 yrs, S-5 yrs BD-5/3/16, D filed 6/8/16
If we can only choose to move on in the absence of the answers to these questions - the pain slowly begins to diminish day by day.
I think this is very critical in being able to forgive, not just other people, but able to forgive ourselves. We all know we're not perfect, and we make mistakes. Being human, we don't necessarily have the ability to know why we've done what we've done, we just have to understand that we have the power to not let our present, and future, versions of ourselves to be held captive to our past mistakes.
Originally Posted By: qt4x11
What else do I need to convince myself this is really happening?
It took me a long time too. Even after the D was filed, I still would not let myself believe that this was really happening to us. This is all part of the LBS fog, I believe, and goes hand-in-hand with the validation of what our WAS wants, is okay for them to believe is right for them. We carry on, bettering ourselves, with the thought always in the back of our minds that we are doing this so we can get back with our W's and provide a new foundation for a better, loving, lasting marriage. I remember a conversation I had with my W and it came up that "I need to just accept that this D is real and happening" and she responded, "I filed weeks ago, it's been real ever since, it's not my fault you aren't taking me seriously"... I think it was right around then, maybe exactly then, when I was able to take things to the next level.
Originally Posted By: qt4x11
I’ve decided that it would be healthier for me to let go of any expectations of what will happen in the future, and to deal ‘with life on life’s terms’. This tiny hope that I have inside me, I have to snuff it out right now because it is not helping me on any level.
This is the target you should be aiming at. It's harder and harder to focus on the right things as the process of the D inches closer and closer to finality. But if we dwell on this thought particularly, then there is no way in h3ll this will work out in a positive way for us. We've talked a lot on here, you're a good guy (from what I know), and you're doing everything you can to take the right steps to make yourself an even better guy... Keep at that, and once this is all over, you'll be the one better off than "the one that got away"
The end of the weekend, I’m laying in bed right now between my son and daughter. Son is asleep and daughter is watching goofy youtube videos on my phone. As always they are the best thing in my life and I love them more than myself. They make me laugh and they make me feel loved and needed. Tomorrow I have to bring them back to their mom and I will be going back to the office for the first time in weeks. I’m anxious about all of the stuff coming up next week that I have to deal with. In addition to going back to work, I have a meeting with my lawyer on Tuesday. Dealing with any legal stuff related to the divorce is like pulling teeth for me, especially after not dealing with anything during my recovery from surgery.
Well I had more fun at the UFC fights than I thought I would - I’d even say that it was awesome and would definitely go back. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact we had really great seats. We were right up there in front of the octagon. Also it helps to go with someone like my friend who knows all the nuances of wrestling moves and martial arts, since he practices MMA himself and is a wrestling coach. My friend J and I also planned to go to a ‘foodie restaurant meet up group’ soon, as a way to check out some new restaurants and bars in the city. We also have tickets to see Lollapalooza this week with a big group of friends and family.
Today my cousin had a big get together at his house, my brothers, my cousin, their wives and kids were there. We grilled out and I had a lot to eat. Felt really weird for me being there as this was a family type gathering that I used to attend with my family and wife, and of course now I’m there as a soon to be divorced guy. People were asking me how I was feeling as they heard about my recent surgery too. I had a conversation with my cousin that got me wound up - he asked me how was my dog. I answered - well my wife gave my dog away as part of her campaign to rapidly dismantle everything in our life. I also had a conversation with my brother’s wife - she has always been good to me and was the person that my wife called to ask her to tell me to set up marriage counseling. She told me she does not understand why my wife would say that and then change her mind, but she is there to talk to me if I want. I ate a ton of bbq then fell asleep on my cousins couch for the majority of the afternoon while the kids swam in his pool.
I think my family knows I’m going through hell and they care about me. I’m further down the road of accepting the reality of my situation. Practically everyone who knows my situation and my wife does not have a lot of hope for us reconciling. It is very depressing, but it is healthy for me to face up to the reality of the situation. I think at this point it would be a miracle if my wife decided to cancel the divorce. And I could be calm cool poised non confrontational - and do everything right to help my case - it may not make any difference.
This morning I sent my wife a text message about the crazy messages I was sending her towards the end of my recovery period
Me; I’m sorry for the way I’ve been acting lately, I’ve been on pain meds, not sleeping, and I think cabin fever. I think now that I’m out and about I should be better.
No response from my wife, as usual. It wouldn’t surprise me if she just ignores my messages at this point, or just laughs at them as if I’m a fool or something. Honestly I feel this lack of communication on her part is pretty cold, I would never have thought she’d be this way, but then I would have never thought I’d be getting a divorce.
Me-45, W-37, T-10 yrs, M-9 yrs D -7 yrs, S-5 yrs BD-5/3/16, D filed 6/8/16
Let me just say - why did I even bother with 'divorce busting'? 'DB' just seems to prolong the suffering, it would have just been easier to go full 'no contact' as soon as the BD. In fact just going 'full no contact' would probably be healthier psychologically and more effective than the whole mental jiu jitsu of 'DB'.
Me-45, W-37, T-10 yrs, M-9 yrs D -7 yrs, S-5 yrs BD-5/3/16, D filed 6/8/16
Let me just say - why did I even bother with 'divorce busting'? 'DB' just seems to prolong the suffering, it would have just been easier to go full 'no contact' as soon as the BD. In fact just going 'full no contact' would probably be healthier psychologically and more effective than the whole mental jiu jitsu of 'DB'.
i think its entirely possible that we mis-interpret DBing as trying to reconcile. It did say to go no-contact (to a certain degree). To GAL, 180, not be around her.
Me31 W31 M11yrs S6yrs 23Mar16-BD 9Apr16-W admitted EA w boss. 27Jun16-W Changed job and promised NC w OM. 14Jul16-Continued contact w OM.Start of Separation. 24May17-Divorced.
Are you still reading my threads? Skip to my post last night as it relates a bit to your frustration. It is my take on DBing and may make the point that Natus was trying to. You are on a fast moving roller coaster from what I read and you can slow it down and even get off while following MWD and the DB principles. Principles over feelings is my basic guide day to day. Feelings come and go, but good principles are the foundation and compass that will lead us through this most difficult journey.
Hang in there my friend you have put in some good work and have a ways to go, but you will make it through regardless of the outcome of the MR.
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
Divorce busting and this board pretty much saved my sanity through my D and gave me lifelong friends who I am pretty close with. DB surely got me through many horrors of divorcing. I wouldn't have come so far or be the person I am today without it and I think it has given many tools to carry into my new R's.
I see what you are saying about DB busting divorces. Does it work in that area? Sometimes, and a small percentage. However, I think divorcebusting would pretty successful at busting divorces if people actually started doing it before bomb drop. before the sh!t hits the fan. If more people checked in with the reality of their marriages more often.
That's my take on it after 8 years on these boards and a my divorce.
I am in the same situation and I want to reconcile as well but I understand that it's impossible because of the way the divorce is structured here in America, let me explain this. A midlife crisis lasts between 2 and 5 years for a woman and this is just the reality. A divorce lasts here in the US between 3 months (without children) and 9 months (with children). This makes it impossible to reconcile because the divorce moves faster than the midlife crisis. In other countries like Indonesia, or Thailand for instance it takes between 5 and 10 years to get divorced, and the result is that divorce rates are very low there. What can we do here in the US? Nothing. We need to accept the divorce without trying to stop it, BUT because we know that the crisis will end at some point, we need to be patient and wait for our wives to come back to us on their own, without us pushing them. Lots of men who previously wanted to reconcile make the huge mistake of starting to look for other girls after the divorce is finalized here in the US, and that just kills any chance for reconciliation. I will wait for my wife to come back for at least 5 more years, that's my plan, I won't give up, I won't call her or text her and I won't look for other girls, and hopefully, after she is done with her midlife crisis, she will come back to me on her own. Hugs.
