I don't know what to tell you, but I know what I'd do. I'd tell her to stay out of the house and I'd spend the money to kennel the dog. I'd also change the locks. And, in addition, it'd be a perfect time to tell her that I never want the OM in my house and if I find him in the house he'll be leaving the house with his nuts in his throat.
But, that's just me. And I just got back from an IC session so I'm chill.
PacLove - one thing that I insisted on doing with my WW the day after BD was setting out ground rules. One of those was that she would not have OM on our property. The others were that I wouldn't contact OM, that I would stop snooping, and that I wouldn't do anything "stupid". There maybe were a couple of others that I don't remember but it was a very small list. She agreed with these and as far as I know abided by them.
I think it's more than reasonable that you set those boundaries. It's not "controlling" the way I saw it. It's two adults who essentially are room-mates setting up the new rules. If she needs to figure out some way to look after the dog that still allows her to see OM but not on your property - that's not your problem. If she doesn't agree with this, then she needs to make a counter-offer that is acceptable to you.
The A exists - you can't pretend it doesn't. That doesn't mean that it has to be a regular topic of conversation. In fact any time my WW brought up anything close to the A I would request that she change the subject.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
She still has regular access to the house as we do our best to co-parent our D in the family home, so changing locks is not an option - plus I'm apprehensive about any vindictive act that pushes her further away.
She's in temporary accommodation right now, living week by week - hasn't really "moved" out. She even spends the odd night sleeping in the guest bedroom when she watches over D and I'm out late. Our closet still has all her clothes in there - something that I may seek to change when I get back (The constant reminder is frustrating)
AndrewP - yeah I think that's where I fell short on ground rules, our separation agreement only had a clause whereby we aren't to introduce D to anyone we are seeing and that she can stay in the home when she's watching D.
I won't see her before I leave so I may just send an email to her with things she needs to worry about (ie water lawn, ...) with a phrase at the end "BTW I expect you to honor the sanctity of our marital home while I'm away and refrain from any male guests during your stay." Although this may well fall on deaf hears since she's already failed to honor our marital vows.
Obviously I won't be able to validate it and even if I could (ie VAR, or Camera) bringing it up would be bad DB'ing.
Me: 40 W: 45 T: 13, M: 11 1 D: 9
Suspect A 6/15 ILBINILWY 8/15, and 3/16 EA/PA Discovered 3/16 EA admitted 3/16 W Moved out 4/16 W opens R talk and says A over 1/17
lol doodler, funny how IC sessions have impact on our mentalities... then again, I think you'd say the same thing on any other day of the week, regardless of IC.
paclove, i'm not the perfect DB'r, but we all have different paths, and goals, to get to where we need to be going. Have you ever heard of the principle of equifinality? ...good reading
having said that, i'm some where in the middle of you and doodler... I probably would state a boundary of OM's presence in the marital home. She left you and the marriage, and you both agreed she'd stay there WHILE she's watching D9, but she is not watching D9 this time. She's alone.
Quick question, who was the first to suggest she stay in the home alone while you and D9 were out of town?
I would pay for the dogs to be boarded, or hotel'd, or pampered, or whatever people do nowadays with their dogs. I saw a doggie hotel the other day that was 150% the price of a decent hotel in the city i live... couldn't believe it. On the other side, you can find a girl/boy in the neighborhood willing to come walk them for $10 bucks a day or something, 3 walks per day, I do that when I know I'm going to be gone for a long time and don't want to get my W involved with "hey can you go let the dogs out", because... well, I don't need her to, I'm taking care of the house and all things in it until her dumba$$ gets her [censored] together.
I also would setup a security camera (or two), (NOT IN THE BEDROOM - or anywhere else you might see something which you will never be able to "unsee"), but what would suffice is just knowing if OM was there or not, that's really all that's necessary IMO. I don't know why people don't have security cameras setup anyways, but maybe I'm just a crazy person, I have several around my property and house. Plus, I can watch and spy on the animals from all over the world!! (as long as I have internet connection)!
betterm - TBH I don't know as if we ever talked about it - I think she just assumed she'd stay there while I was away and equally I assumed she'd take care of the dog. Perhaps part of our longstanding issues of non-communication and assumptions of each other.
I know if brought it up this late in the day it would certainly send her in a tivy...
As for the cameras - funny story I've been wanting to buy them for years but she was always against it. I finally bought some last fall on sale to which she vehemently objected and wanted me to return them - obvious now why... they still sit in a box in the garage part of me wants to install them, part of me thinks it will push her further away as if I'm spying on her again.
In the end do I really want to know if he's there? I could do it discretely but that would cause me more pain, if I put them up and tell her (so she doesn't bring OM around) that will only piss her off more.
I found out earlier this week by accident that she was at his place first thing after being away with D and it was a major setback. Had a rough day!
Me: 40 W: 45 T: 13, M: 11 1 D: 9
Suspect A 6/15 ILBINILWY 8/15, and 3/16 EA/PA Discovered 3/16 EA admitted 3/16 W Moved out 4/16 W opens R talk and says A over 1/17
In the end do I really want to know if he's there? I could do it discretely but that would cause me more pain, if I put them up and tell her (so she doesn't bring OM around) that will only piss her off more.
I don't mean to be rude... but... So What? Maybe being a little pissed off is exactly what she needs... I hate to say it, but the attitude of "I don't want to piss her off" is not going to work when you are dealing with a WW that doesn't give a rip about your feelings right now.
I started this site, my "DB'ing" frightened at every choice, every word, every option, because I thought each one was going to be the "make or break" moment... and in reality, it's not.
You need to do what's right for you. The fact you WANTED security cameras before this, but only didn't put them up because she's didn't want you to, now's the time to do it... she left you. That's YOUR HOUSE now, and you don't need her help for JACK SQUAT anymore. remember that. engrave it across the front of your forehead (backwards i guess)... you have to make choices for yourself now.
Yeah I may put them up tonight. We had 2 break ins nearby so I've got some good justification for putting them up. Then I'll just let her know hey are there for security and mention nothing of the other man. knowing they are there hopefully she doesn't try and bring him in.
Me: 40 W: 45 T: 13, M: 11 1 D: 9
Suspect A 6/15 ILBINILWY 8/15, and 3/16 EA/PA Discovered 3/16 EA admitted 3/16 W Moved out 4/16 W opens R talk and says A over 1/17
Thinking about this more I'm reminded of what my DB coach said would this action bring us closer together or further apart. With that in mind I may just let it go and not install the cameras.
Me: 40 W: 45 T: 13, M: 11 1 D: 9
Suspect A 6/15 ILBINILWY 8/15, and 3/16 EA/PA Discovered 3/16 EA admitted 3/16 W Moved out 4/16 W opens R talk and says A over 1/17
Funny about the cameras. Before the big BD when I found out about the A (before I thought she was just a WAW) I had been experimenting with using an old cell phone as a webcam as part of a project I was proposing for work.
W - was "very" upset as you could imagine, especially if it did sound recording. I ended up putting one in our front room pointed across the road for about a month - it didn't work too well and kept overheating. After I found out about the A I moved it into my home office pointed officially at the rose on my desk "so I can see it wherever I am" and also pointed coincidentally at our filing cabinet where all the financial documents and current backups are stored. I also turned on the notification alarm functions. I was in full paranoia about what W and OM might do.
Not a damned thing happened except that I got annoyed by all the false alarms. The camera is still in place and I still look at my rose from time to time when I travel. It holds about 3 days of video on board so I suppose I could check if I wanted to. To quote the ancient philosopher Elsa "let it go ... let it go ...."
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
We had 2 break ins nearby so I've got some good justification for putting them up. Then I'll just let her know they are there for security and mention nothing of the other man.
This is why I recommend putting them up. You wanted to put them up for security, before you even knew your W was having an A. nothing changes, put them up for security and that's that.
I have a little remote control vehicle that I can drive around my house when I'm not home, it's got a wifi remote and wifi camera that streams to the internet (and also local storage)... it freaks my cats out.
But this is just "normal behavior" for me to have weird crap like this going on at home. My W wouldn't bring OM inside cuz she has no clue what I have going on in that house HAHA.
