Progress is slow but does happen!

[sandi2]

Yes, this is something we are told frequently. If her IC is one of those "do whatever it takes to make yourself happy" types, then she may not be getting marital advice.

[PacLove]

Sandi2, so does one change their approach with this? or just leave it be and hope they recognize it on their own...?

[NYGal]

Question for the group here... I've been doing my best to follow the DB, but one thing that I'm concerned about (and was also mentioned by my Pastor and IC) is could it be seen as a form of silent approval of the Affair? ie not bringing it up, not challenging her, being nice but with boundaries... it's almost as if she can go off doing what she wants with no serious consequences (other than potentially losing her H, home, and having only part time with her D - which she seems to be content with)

W knows you don't approve of the A. If you challenge her, she'll back away. Remember, she's in a fog and doesn't want to be any more uncomfortable than her choices are already making her.

And with regard to the IC, Sandi may have other advice, but I don't think you can do anything about who W chooses to see. It's her choice and you can't insist that she do anything differently!

I regret my use of the word "insist" in an earlier post about family therapy. I suggested that you insist on it for D if you think it will help, but you can't insist or mandate that W join you. If you try to control or manipulate her she'll use that as a reason to leave, potentially.

[PacLove]

Sandi2/others looking for a WW perspective here. So W comes home from her travels yesterday with gifts for me and the family but is still clearly involved with OM.


IC seems to be councilling her on how to exit - or provide her clarity. If she really wanted out why doesn't she just ask for a D? Why do they continue to hurt us in this manner by hanging on? Is it cake eating or to keep us as a backup plan?

I've got a lot of frustration and anger today over my sich. Want to vent but trying not to paint my W in a negative light.

[PacLove]

BTW I do sincerely believe W has a good heart but it's lost right now in the Fog or whatever. I've heard about some pretty shameful acts by others in affairs they are clearly lost to themselves. I believe that is my W right now.

[betterm]

So I have reason to believe my W's IC is helping her to move on from the M... anyone else dealt with this?

Absolutely. My W's IC was the strength behind her hammer to find encouragement to file the D. I know this because her first few sessions she talked about how much she loved the IC, how helpful she's being, and how she's helping her deal with things she's been keeping bottled up in a compassionate way...

Fast forward 5 weeks. My wife hates her IC, wants to find a new one, asked me if she could start seeing my IC as I love her so much, and started telling me things about how her IC and her don't really see eye-to-eye anymore, and that their sessions have turned more into a "picking a brain session" as opposed to a nice, calm, compassionate 'do what's right for you' sessions.

It all depends on the person in IC, but my W used the IC for what she needed, and is now bailing out because the IC is making her look into her own self, and helping her find "root cause" of where all these problems are stemming from... and surprise surprise, (<whispers>: it's not all me...)

I've said this in other posts, and my view on IC is that the patient/client/whatever, will only get out of it what the want. especially in the case of someone like my W, or maybe all WW's, in that they run for the fastest and easiest form of medication they can find, to fix what they feel is most important now, in place of what is most important in life.

I'm sorry it's happening like this, but there's nothing you can do to "get" (see that word?) your W to disbelieve in her IC that won't make matters worse for your cause. It's gonna run it's course, and I hope your W's course is better than the one mine took. Good luck, friend.

[NYGal]

Pac, you may be Plan B right now (I was) and she may be cake eating (mine was) but so what. That doesn't change what you need to do to work on your marriage. Sometimes we have to suck up a lot of humiliation. Like my signature says, don't be a doormat. But also, just try to roll with it.
You never know -- the OM could disappoint sooner rather than later. And so what if you're the default partner? Sometimes they just need to see what's out there to fully appreciate what they have at home. They shouldn't, but they do.

[PacLove]

Thanks. Yeah I'm struggling. Don't know what to make of the gifts. Like a i need a daily reminder on my desk right now of her. Trying my best not to think about her during the day so I can focus on my job. It'll probably end up in my desk drawer for the time being.

It's also frustratingto know she's out there having all the fun while I'm sitting home alone half the time in tears. Actually today was probably the first one I welled up for the past few weeks.

[AndrewP]

Don't know what to make of the gifts.

One very helpful thing I read here a while ago is to not focus too much on when a WW does something nice for you. It might be guilt, it might be actual interest in reconnecting, but there is a strong possibility that it means nothing at all especially since there were gifts for everyone and she didn't want you to feel left out.

[PacLove]

Yeah good point.

So interesting situation coming up - I'm heading out of town for a week with D and W will be staying in the house to watch over the Dog. I shutter to think that she will occasionally have OM visit/stay.

I've thought of setting up WebCam - but she would see that as me watching her. I've thought of laying out boundaries and say it's not appropriate for OM to be in our home but again that would be bringing up the A.

The other side of me is just ignore it and if it happens it happens, she'll do what she wants anyways and anything I try and do to control her would not go over well...

I could off-course tell her she can't stay at the home but then I need to make arrangements for the Dog - and there is some cost savings in having her stay there (since she still pays into the mortgage and I help her with her accommodations which she'll save that week)