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if there was a PA it would help me investigate it more.

And what would this do for you? How would you act differently?

[betterm]

Why do all of your goals for you have to be GAL activities?

I agree with this too, I just didn't critique on it because I figured it was a 'verbiage' thing. My "goals" are certainly different than my "GAL" activities. But many of them do run together.

For instance the GAL of playing chess with a league X times a month, goes under GAL. If I were to set a goal on that. I would say I will reach an ELO rating of 1800 within 3 months. I think some goals/GALs do go hand in hand, but they can certainly be different, and be viewed differently for each person.

In darknes example, your GAL is to get out and socialize more, the goal associated with that GAL would be to make a new bestie. We don't want to over complicate things though. As long as there is a clear understanding of what you're trying to accomplish.

[RDS]

if there was a PA it would help me investigate it more.

And what would this do for you? How would you act differently?

Since I am not foreseeing her having an A I don�t know how I would act differently. I know I won�t be working to be her friend, that�s for sure. I would have to start my DB'ing in a different way.

But, if I discovered she was having a PA then it could save me thousands of dollars per year because in SC a judge is not allowed to grant alimony to a spouse who commits adultery unless the other spouse �forgives� the adulterer. Then it�s back to square one.

[RDS]

betterm/darknes

I guess a lot of these could be considered GAL. My IC had me make up goals I�ve thought about doing over the years I never did for one reason or another. None of these my W would have ever asked me not to do so it really wasn�t my marriage that held me back. Some of these are �one off� things to do (getting a tattoo, running the bridge) and I don�t consider them a GAL. Other ones like going back to school and learning another language would be considered a GAL, but IMO goals and GAL can intertwine.

I�m already reading lots of books on multiple subjects to include improving my marriage techniques, a feel good handbook, and some books I�m reading just to lose myself in fiction. I haven�t turned on the TV in days. I would list the books but I know it�s against board policy to mention them. I�ve already joined a few social clubs and I�ve gone out and socialized already and this weekend I am going on more outings. I also think setting a goal for vaporware ideas (in my words) of getting a best friend would seem superficial. Meeting new people and possibly making good friends sounds okay, but to say my goal is to make a best friend seems fake to me. Just like finding a wife. It will just happen. I do realize I have to put myself out there to at least give it a chance.

[betterm]

I think goals/GAL do intertwine, I see "goals" as something that's measurable (I use the SMART acroynm), and GAL is something that provides value in things you're interested it.

If you're not familiar:
SMART (Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Relevant, Timely)

Running the Bridge is a goal if you put a timeline on it. Running as a hobby, would be considered a GAL (something required to reach the goal applied to it.

And FYI, I was just kidding when I said "find a new bestie." Besties, like spouses, usually aren't "found" by searching... usually we just wake up one day and we've fallen into one. haha.

I'm glad to hear you've shut off the TV. I'm a big advocate of killing the TV (except for special events, etc... it's okay sometimes), but books hold so much more value. and I'm not sure about board policy, but I think you can post "books", as long as they are not relative, or opposing things that might cloud up the DB process. IE, I re-read "Man's Search for Meaning" a few weeks ago. Absolutely wonderful.

[RDS]

Just as I figured would happen, my WAW cancelled our lunch today. She said she was in pain and was going from her dentist to another dentist to get root canal procedure done. This is from a person who has had maybe two cavities her entire life. She also said her car broke down this morning.

I believe she is getting a root canal because she asked if she could put the charge on the Care Credit card. I told her she could do that. I wasn't about to let her be in pain.

I am extremely angry at the moment because she didn't text me until 30 minutes before we were to meet. There was no way she could not know she would not be able to make it in time. Her dentist is at least 45 minutes away from here. I'm angry because of her being inconsiderate on my time as I took the afternoon off from work and I had jobs I had to do that are about a 4 hour round trip I will have to do tomorrow on top of the other stuff I have to do. It would have been much easier if I did the jobs today and save some PTO as well.

I told her we could have a late lunch after she has her procedure done but she said she was too tired because she didn't get any sleep due to the pain and she had to get back to work and finish end of month stuff.

She said she was looking forward to the lunch. Whatever. I told her lunch didn't have to be during the week and she said this weekend she couldn't do it because it was Independence Day weekend. I responded I wasn't talking about this weekend, but in general terms. She responded "I told you yes, we will do lunch."

I went to the restaurant we were supposed to go to anyway. The service was good and the food probably was good but I had lost my appetite and just picked at my plate. I don't think I will be able to get away from work for the next 10 days, so it will be over two months since I will have seen my WAW except for the brief 5 minute run in I with her the middle of May.

I asked about her car and she said she didn't know what she was going to do about it. Her car is her problem is all I can say.

[RDS]

My WAW had her root canal and it cost $325 and she needs a crown. I just had a root canal and it cost $520 and I need a crown. My crown will cost $330. I don't know what her crown will cost. She asked me an hour ago if I needed a crown, I replied I needed one.

I told her I am paying for my crown but she will have to figure out a way to pay for hers. She made her bed and she has to sleep in it. Her car broke down today and from what little she told me her car will cost lots of $$ to repair.

[RDS]

Today is 2 months since I�ve really seen my wife and it�s also the day I claim it�s my BD because this is the day my wife dropped my D and I off at the airport to travel to TX. I had no idea she would use the next couple of days to move half of our belonging out of the house and move out to somewhere I still don�t know where.

The last few days have been a real roller coaster for me. Thursday morning I was in a great mood. I was going to see my WAW for the first time in nearly 2 months. I was excited to see her because I hoped I could gauge if I really wanted to work on this M by being with her in a friendly non-confrontational setting. I wasn�t happy in the M for the last 2 or 3 years and there were times I thought about leaving but I couldn�t bring myself to do it for many reasons. I wanted to see if I still had feelings for her to want to make the M work. I know in the couple of times (the only 2 times so far) I�ve talked to her on the phone I did enjoy the conversation but that was because there was no talk of the R. The lunch together was going to be friendly and talk of the R wouldn�t be broached by me. The lunch thing was suggested by my DB coach.

She had to cancel last minute for legitimate reasons and I was very upset about it. I didn�t let her know I was upset as we only texted. I was upset because I knew she would cancel for one reason or another. It was a gut feeling. I felt if it wasn�t for the root canal she probably would have come up with something else. I was also upset because she didn�t cancel until 30 minutes before the meet time. I couldn�t understand why she couldn�t let me know earlier because the situation she was in precluded any possible chance she could make it on time.

As I mentioned earlier I was in a serious funk.

Sad to day, my GAL took a back seat. It was almost as if I was in the same fog as when the BD happened. I barely got 2 hours of sleep Thursday night and Friday I had to travel around the state correcting my subcontractor�s screw-ups. I wasn�t planning on doing that. My customer demanded it I so I didn�t have much choice. I was very tired and frustrated and I took it out on my coworkers. They were cool with it.

Most of Friday and all day Saturday was in a fog. I worked on the yard and did miscellaneous things around the house to pass the time. I tried to work on The Feel Good Handbook my IC has me use and I couldn�t get my mind into it. I spent a lot of time on this forum and I read just about everybody�s sitch and that depressed me even more. It seemed everyone is putting up the good fight but it doesn�t seem to be working for most of us. There were many times I wanted to reply to posts to other users. I just didn�t have the inertia to do it.

Sunday I had plans to go to a pool party one of my Meetup groups was having. I had planned to go a couple of weeks ago and I wasn�t about to cancel. I was looking forward to it and I had to get out of the house. My D dropped me off with plans to come back in 5 hours as that was when the party was supposed to be over. If there was one thing my WAW taught me, it was how to arrive at a pool party. I brought plenty of food, plenty of beer, a change of clothes, and my own chair. I had a wonderful time. I was part of the �hard core� people that stayed after the �official� shutdown time. I know I wasn�t staying past my welcome because the host/hostess kept urging us to stay. My D even stayed the extra hour and she was my biggest PR spokesperson as she tooted my cool attributes to everyone (she is the best D any father could have). I met some nice ladies there (no chance of even thinking of dating them).

My mood dimmed when I got home because the house was so lonely. However; a pretty good thing happened. My mood brightened considerably after an hour or so. I realized I had a really good time in a social setting and people liked me (especially the women) and that made me feel good. I realized once I keep getting in the real world I can have a good time and I don�t need my WAW with me.

Monday morning (Independence Day) I still had the good feeling vibe going on. At least I had the good feeling going on until I opened my FB and I started getting the �memory� posts of previous Independence Day celebrations my WAW and I had together, and seeing how other couples were posting their fun times depressed me again. Happily, it wasn�t as bad as it was before the weekend but still it was a few pegs below what I was feeling.

Detaching is still so-so. I try not to text my WAW about anything. It�s much easier not to text her than text her and get annoyed with she doesn�t respond for a couple of hours. She will, however; respond very quickly if it benefits her and that�s irritating.

I have another DB coaching session tomorrow. Hopefully it will get my head on straight.

[RDS]

I invited my WAW through text for a friendly lunch for next week. She accepted and said hopefully she wouldn�t get another root canal. Last time I had a gut feeling she would cancel on me. I don�t have that feeling this time. It�s not until next Tuesday so who knows how I will feel then.

I had another session with my DB coach last night. I thought it went very well. The coach made me answer questions about our M as from my WAW�s perspective. I answered as truthfully as I could. Even though the thoughts swirled around my head the last few weeks about what she was thinking during the last four/five years of our M it was still an eye opener. It was heart wrenching to say the least and it made me feel even worse when my coach read back the responses. I really was a cold and heartless man towards her.

My homework assignment is to write an apology letter to my WAW to cover the issues I caused. I�m not to send it but read it to my coach and we will see what I need to correct before sending it her (if that is the next option).

We also covered lots of empathy and validation concerns. It cemented in my mind how vital it is to earn her trust. We also covered what I should and shouldn�t say during the lunch next week and what to do after the lunch.

It was very good session IMO.

My D and WAW texted a little last night. It was nearly two weeks since they�ve communicated. My WAW said she missed my D. My D responded, �I miss you too Mom, considering it�s been two months since I�ve seen you.� My WAW didn�t respond to that. My WAW has a tendency to do that. She clams up whenever she gets bad news. My D thinks my WAW is depressed. I didn�t dig into why she thinks that, but she has an undergraduate degree in HR and a Graduate degree in Organizational Development and a lot of her courses dealt with interpersonal relationships so I have to take her word for it. Part of me is hoping she is depressed because she is regretting leaving me, but most of me is ashamed I had a big part of making her depressed (if she really is depressed).

[RDS]

Two months ago today is when I returned from my trip to TX to discover my wife had used my time away to move out of the house. I was really dreading today, but strangely I'm at peace.

It might be because I feel like I've been run over by a truck. I started feeling ill yesterday afternoon and it's only gotten worse. I hope it's a quiet day today at work.