Maybe shutting her out is what you need to survive and move past all this? Far be it from me to whack you for wanting to get there.
Would moving her stuff somewhere else help you reestablish your own space? I know it did for me. And I did it early on. I took down family pictures, wedding pictures, and I packed up all his belongings around the house and boxed them up and put them far from view in the basement. It DID help me reclaim my daily life.
I'm glad to hear you're out socializing and making new friends and such. You're such a sociable man with a wonderful sense of humor and keen intelligence. You're quite the man, Mr. Hopeful.
Take care!
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Seattle, it is so good to see your words on the BB again. Great to see you!
I wanted to take this opportunity to thank you for the chat this morning. Not only did it help you get back on track, but it helped me prepare for today. Ya know, put me in the mindset that today is a new day, and we should be thankful for the sun shining (it will be around 80 in the seattle area today). Why waste a good day on negative emotions!
I don't need to reiterate what we discussed in our chat. All we need to remember is to stay on the path that is right for us, know what I mean!
be talking to you soon.
Triple J
p.s. how about changing the name of the thread next time. I don't think crumbling walls applies to you anymore.
Things were different then. All is different now. I tried to explain, somehow..........
Eddie Vedder (Pearl Jam)
Glad you were able to come back and give us an update. I definitely agree that sometimes you need a break from this chaos but it's nice to know that you're going on hiatus for those of us that keep tabs on ya .
I'm w/you regarding the memories. I've kept my WAS things around as well and am not really ready to give them up totally but maybe it will help w/moving forward more (not sure). I don't want to forget my life, just step forward, ya know?
Anyhow, as for the D papers, I can imagine how it feels that if you go ahead and file you will be released more from the sit but just remember that if YOU do it, WAS becomes even more guilt-free (IMHO) so, don't be too sure on that one until you think it out more.
Take care and glad to see you're on your feet. We care about ya here so be sure to stop in and let us know that you'll be on hiatus next time, okay? Tootles.............
Thanks Everyone for hanging in there with me. You're right Karen, I will let you all know next time I'm going on hiatus. Originally I though it was only going to be a week max.
I have backed down from filing myself, at least for now. As long as I feel somewhat ok that I'm moving on for me and I'm still healthy, I won't do it for many of the same reasons everyone has pointed out. I'm just sick of the limbo.
I'm really sick of being emotionally frail to use one of WAW terms for herself. I've been thinking of what I can control and how I can control my feelings when and if she says somthing that hurts me. Besides a couple of simple options like
1 - leave 2 - ask her to leave 3 - talk about it/ask her not to talk about om again (last resort) 4 - try and make the meaning positive for me (but how?) I guess I can view it as her new life and I know it is over and I should move on. That is the most positive thing I can think of for now.
I'm through overanalyzing this stuff. Here is a story I got from of all people my Mom. She is sweet. I really like the ending.
Be Happy!
One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.
He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly.
Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down. A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up.
As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!
Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.
Remember the five simple rules to be happy: 1. Free your heart from hatred - Forgive. 2. Free your mind from worries - Most never happen. 3. Live simply and appreciate what you have. 4. Give more. 5. Expect less
NOW -------- Enough of that crap . . . The donkey later came back and bit the farmer who had tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got infected, and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.
MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON: When you do something wrong and try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite you.
My ass is all chewed up, what does that mean? Funny seattle...LOL Glad to see your back among us poor sorry SOB's trying to save our hopeless, pitiful, sorry excuse for a marriage butts. I missed you Seattle, my sensativity really suffered and I think I may have finally put the final nail in the coffin. Now if she would realize it and give me my boat key. Dang its going to be a long summer at this rate. Someone at work asked if I was out on my boat yet, all I could say was F*&^% you. Im a little touchy about it. (it was good for a laugh anyway)
Glad to see your back, sounds like your in a good place. Go seattle.... eddy
Good to see you posting here again... I know you were missed. I'm sorry that you're in the place you are, but you sound as though you're getting a handle on where YOU are in all of this, and that's important.
Quote: Would moving her stuff somewhere else help you reestablish your own space? I know it did for me. And I did it early on. I took down family pictures, wedding pictures, and I packed up all his belongings around the house and boxed them up and put them far from view in the basement. It DID help me reclaim my daily life.
I did this too, also very early on. I needed it then, and I suspect that you might need it now. It did help me a great deal, as hard as it was to do.
I think you're smart to keep up the focus on what is healthy for you and what is moving you in a positive direction, Seattle. If you really take care of yourself and listen to yourself, you'll come to know what you need most and feel the peace that comes with that. I tend to believe that when we allow ourselves the time and space to get there, we make the best choices.
Keep on your path... wherever it takes you. Here's a big hug to sustain you. ((((((((Seattle)))))))))
Well, gotta tell ya that I think it may be a good thing to pack her stuff and start putting it away. I am slowly working into that realm myself and it is a bit relieving.
I think now that it has been so long and where you are w/your sit, you'll realize that the pain to do this is not as lingering as it has been to saving your M. It's about YOU now. Not about THEM. I know it's been about you all along but now we're taking some of those "steps" to get back on firm ground so we can do some ass-chewing ourselves!
Take care and be well w/your choices. You have put every effort into saving your M, now it's her choice. Remember that God has great things in store for us and we have nothing to be sorry about. They laid the foundation for this roller-coaster and now it's time for us to get off, for GOOD!!! Tootles.........................
I called WAW in response to a VM she left me. She threw out the "I'm tired" bait again and all I said was that sucks and I'm sorry, instead of taking the bait and asking why.
We talked a little about details of papers and picking up the dog over the weekend. She said on her VM she didn't want to pick the dog up at my house so I asked is there a reason? She said she gets sad when she comes over. All I said was yeah this whole thing is sad. I'm not going to lecture you but hiding from it won't make it less sad. She agreed and we talked a little more.
She told me she hired OM to work at the salon but for only 2 days a week (real winner). I asked when she was planning to tell me this? She said she didn't know. I said thanks for telling me now.
We said goodbye and I hung up.
She seemed tense and weird. After taking another call, I called back to say that our last conv felt weird. She agree? Her response, everything is weird in her life. I asked how so, her reply was one minute she is totally stressed and a wreck from the business to the next minute telling herself everything will be fine. I jokingly asked if she was in denial and she kind of danced around that. She said it was a rollercoaster and she was tired of it. She used to refer to us as a rollercoaster when I was pursuing her and she couldn't handle it anymore. Maybe she realizes I'm not the cause? Who knows? Maybe not even her.
We talked a little about her sister and her family. Her sister and husband are moving to Seattle and she told me today her sister is pregnant. Her sister is 4 yrs younger and it has always been important for WAW to get pregnant before her. Her sister is also the model child in their family. So maybe a little remorse here about why is her sister seem to have all her life together?
WAW also said she isn't looking forward to having her sister in town anymore. When we were together, she was trying to convince her sister to move here so we could raise our kids together. She said her sister is opinionated and had some choice words for her. WAW admitted she herself is stubborn and they disagreed on lots lately. I asked about what and she didn't elaborate. I joked and said "arguing about barbie dolls again like when you were little?" and she laughed but wouldn't answer directly.
We talked a little about her work schedule, her father, and if he knew about OM working there. She said she talked to him in detail about it. I asked if he knew the whole background and she said some of it. Apparently not as much detail? Half truths again here.
I switched topics to me and talked about what I've been up to. She really wasn't too inquisitive or asked any follow up questions, I get the feeling it is easier for her if she doesn't know. I also get the feeling she doesn't want to feel sad so she avoids trying to see me, come to the house, hear about my activities, or think about me.
A molotov cocktail of denial, conflict avoidance, passive aggressiveness, and stubborness. Why did I marry this person and why do I even want to be with her?
I made my life sound as fun and interesting as it has been, but not bragging. Maybe I should start bragging and talking about me more because I have been having a lot of fun and meeting lots of new friends. I'm very humble by nature and its just been hard for me to traditionally do this.
I get the sense there is some remorse and sadness on her end. Maybe even a little missing what she had. Who knows. Why should I even care?
I asked about the papers first and she wasn't in a real hurry to talk about them. Shes weird and it pisses me off.
I set out a visitation schedule for the dog and asked if she had any alterations for it. She said some and will give her comments to me.
Although I am finally at the place where I've gotten to have some time with our dog per her agreement, I'm really considering telling her after this visit I'm choosing not to see our dog again. If I change my mind, at least I'll have the scheduled opportunity.
Any opinions on this? It would be easier for me to really go dark as I can, but I don't get to see my dog anymore and doesn't allow the opportunity for contact. In a classic case of denial, is it better for occaisonal contact or none at all unless initiated by them?
But I'm trying to face the reality I won't have my dog anymore and that will have to happen sometime anyway. It is also toxic to some extent.
One last thing, I told her I forgot to include on my financial statement an educational account for our children I was going to surprise her with when we had our first child. I didn't want to hide anything from her so I'm telling her now. She was real quiet and after a long pause all she said was everyone is pregnant now.
I ended the call by saying I should probably go. She said see you tomorrow.
I am really trying to detach fully but keep getting sucked in. It would be easier for me to go dark totally and I'm debating this. I'm unsure of why I'm even wasting my time thinking about it. I'm confused.
Sounds like you need another hug. ((((((((((Seattle))))))))))
I'm no DB counselor as we well know, but sounds like you have a keen sense of where she is at-- maybe a better sense than she does?
If you want to go dark for yourself--if you think there is value in it for you or for where you are in your DB efforts, then do it. But don't do it hoping to get a reaction from her. That's my advice.
I'd also suggest not bragging about your exciting life, just talking about it like you would anything else--like you did.
It sounds to this girl like perhaps she misses you and that her life isn't so great these days. But don't you go creating expectations about what she'll do with that because you have no idea. It sounds like you handled the conversation very well.
Are you at the place where you need to figure out what you want before you know what to do? The old DB back to basics.
Betsey 
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