My turn... Part 3

[Cole_]

Continuing from my previous threads.

My Turn - Part 1
My Turn - Part 2

Not sure what else to say at this point. My life is pretty much falling apart personally and professionally. My wife is in love with another man, refuses to stop contact with him and I expect to sell our home and file for divorce in Spring of 2016. To make matters worse, the boss at the new job I started a few months ago (Roughly when I got the ILYINILWY speech) surprised me by saying he wasn't happy with my performance over the past few months and considered initiating a formal performance improvement process with HR until he learned about the divorce. I'm lucky my employer is understanding of the situation, but I was taken by surprise since nobody ever mentioned any concerns until yesterday. So now I not only need to worry about my broken family and how to deal with the holidays and my pending divorce but I also need to figure out how to turn everything around at work and change the perception that I'm not delivering.

I guess you could say that things could only get better because I'm pretty much at rock bottom and if they get worse, I'll probably break.

[Azzork]

Cole -
I havent read through your situation. But in reading this thread, just remember that you are a lot stronger than you think you are.

Ill try to get caught up so I can offer other thoughts.

You got this, buddy.

[Cole_]

I know I'm strong, just wish I could get a break for once this year rather than break...

I haven't told my wife about my work situation because it would make me appear weak and it's not like she'd be willing or able to provide any emotional support. I hate that. She was my best friend and she's no longer there for me. That's what hurts so much sometimes. I've got a good friend I'll probably discuss things with, but as I'm sure most can relate, it's just not the same.

[Dawgs]

Hi Cole!

I think one thing you need to think about is that this isn't your fault. None of it. The important thing to remember is that she chose that. When the pain and fog clears, you will come to realize that.

I know it hurts. It hurts me, too. My W is (was?) my best friend and has been for 10 years, and that bond - I thought - was stronger than any friendship before. During that time, when we moved from place to place, we were all we had. No friends or family within near driving distance. That also took its toll. So I am right there with you. Like you, I have friends I can talk to, but it isn't the same. Never will be.

I know you have heard on here time and again about concentrating on yourself and putting one foot forward, so I won't go into that. But, you have a bigger picture to work for - and that's your kids. No other choice.

[ktfo]

Hey man, stay strong! Really you have 2 children be strong for them! I'm dealing with being cheated on as well, it's a horrible thing that I never wanted to experience and well it's here gotta deal with it. You can do this! Really! Tell yourself (this is what I do) "YOU ARE A GOOD MAN! YOU DESERVE TO BE HAPPY! YOU DESERVE TO BE LOVED THE RIGHT WAY! BE STRONG! BE HAPPY!" I'm going through the process, it [censored]! But I'm more interested in finding me for my kids!
Man you just gotta find you.. DO FOR YOU! MAKE YOURSELF HAPPY, LOVE YOURSELF! SHE'S THE ONE LOSING OUT!
Take time for you and do for yourself! make yourself happy, enjoy yourself! you're a good man you deserve to be treated as such!

Good luck man stay strong!

[Sotto]

Hi Cole, I'm so sorry it's a tough time. It's hard to keep things afloat at times and this is why the one step at a time, one day at a time mentality is so important. Boy, I struggled at times, but I did manage to keep my head just above water.

It's good that you've told your employer about what is happening (I work in HR) and hopefully they will be supportive for the next little while. The best advice I can give for the delivery concerns is make sure you understand what is needed and focus on achieving what is being asked for. Clarify if you're not sure and maybe ask for some regular 1-1s to make sure things are on track. If there is further support you may benefit from, let them know. The thing to remember is that everyone wants you to succeed - you want to succeed and your employer wants you to do so too.

Good luck with everything and remember...you just need to get through today. And tomorrow, you can do the same...

[Cole_]

Sotto, that's the problem. The position is new, somewhat Ill-defined in scope and responsibilities, and inherently self-directed. It's hard to explain without getting into specific details, but I've essentially been asked to build a process and business unit singlehandedly and manage a high value, high visibility project for the organization. That project has encountered some delays due to a request/change in scope by our leadership team. The impact on the project was explained and communicated both through the project plan approval process and through my boss. Beyond that my boss has not given me any clear direction or set precise expectations or goals. He's rarely in his office and seemed perfectly happy with the progress I've been making in our bi-weekly one-on-ones. That's why I was so surprised that there was a perception I wasn't delivering what was expected. That's why it's so frustrating.

I've already discussed this with HR and scheduled a followup meeting with my boss so we can better communicate and set concrete goals and expectations. It's just ridiculous that none of this came up in our one-on-one or in emails prior to involving HR. It was like instant escalation at the first sign of any disatisfaction or concern. He's not an experienced manager, so that may be part of it, but I guess I was hoping and expecting more. I work with good people and caring people and I don't want to deflect any responsibility I have, but like I said, the whole situation is frustrating and could have been handles better. It really makes me question whether I'm actually the problem In both my personal and professional lives. Logically, I can say that I share some responsibility, but that most belongs to the other party (wife/boss) but it's hard to believe that and maintain a positive attitude when you're getting hit from both sides.

Anyway, I do appreciate everyone's support!

[Cole_]

But of course, this is divorce busters so I'm perfectly content to move on and discuss anything that can help me deal with my marriage and pending divorce.

[Cole_]

Wife is out at a business dinner with OM and a business rep tonight. From what she said a few nights ago, it sounds like she has doubts the OM can step up and that means she may turn down the opportunity. It would be too risky for her to consider when living alone with no secondary income to back her up and buy her time to find a new job if things went south. It's sad really. She left me for a man she can't count on when she needs him and this is something of a dream job for her. I know she would pursue it if we were still together and on good terms. That, in a way breaks my heart to see her seemingly unable to chase her dreams because of our situation and decisions she made. What's funny is she made a comment about how I should trust that she'll make the decision that's best for the kids because since our kids were born, she always placed them above everything and they've always guided her decisions. I bit my tongue and didn't ask her if she thought of the kids when she chose to defile our marriage and maintain an EA with OM.

I hate that she's at dinner with the OM. Im sure most of it is business related, but it's hard not to think of the night she went to the first business dinner and ended up going out with him for at least an hour after doing god knows what. You can imagine the thoughts running through my head tonight. I can only assume she'll spend an hour or two with him alone after the dinner is over.

Still, I'm hanging out its the kids and that makes it easier. Trying to focus on what's important and what I can actually influence.

[Cole_]

For a number of reasons, I stopped visiting the forums... not sure why I'm back other than I need some guidance or reassurance. I realize I haven't been helping others, but I haven't been in a good place where I thought I could do so. Hopefully that will change soon.

Summary:

• Wife gave me the ILYBINILWY speech, asked for space, then started a lot of new hobbies and spending time with a family friend.
• I made a ton of mistakes and heavily pursued her with professions of love, etc.
• I became suspicious and discovered inappropriate text messages with professors of love, nude photos, and sexual discussions
• I confronted her, she blamed me and showed little remorse
• Eventually went to a marriage counselor who failed us but ignoring the infidelity and validating my wife way too much
• I became severely depressed and saw an individual counselor
• I lost my job because of the depression and other circumstances related and unrelated to my wife's infidelity and was unemployed for 3 months until I landed a contract position that pays a little less than what I was making and provides few benefits, but it's work.
• We sold our home and are now separated. She bought a house with help from her parents and currently lives there with our kids. I have an apartment that I'm now trying to get ready so I can have the kids stay with me overnight, etc.
• I see the kids Monday, Wednesday, Friday and have dinner as a "family" a few times a week but the kids are still 100% living with my wife
• Current situation is "amicable" and we are able to communicate and coparent well. We've been good about prioritizing our kids and making sure things are as equitable as possible. The amicable nature is likely because I'm admittedly setting aside pride and probably being too agreeable and helpful because I'm so tired of the hate and pain, anger and bitterness I feel and just want to find someway to let love and compassion back into my life.
• She says things with OM are over and I have reason to believe they are on some level though I'd imagine they could start back up again.
• She works with OM, and without getting into details, we recently had some escalated conversations (I wouldn't call it a fight) because she put herself in a position where, on two separate occasions, she either brought our children in to see the OM or put herself in a position to see the OM when both situations could have reasonably been avoided.
• She views our current situation as an opportunity for a new beginning, a new life, but seems unwilling to discuss specifics about what we are doing to either file for divorce or work on our marriage. I've been trying to avoid relationship conversations because I want to make time my friend... as hard as that can be.
• She still fails to truly acknowledge the role her infidelity played and the magnitude of pain it caused me and our family. She gets upset when I bring up her infidelity, saying that I live in the past. Her assertion is that our problems existed long before her infidelity and that those problems should be our focus, not the infidelity. I told her that while I was willing to discuss and work on resolving the issues in our relationship, I wasn't going to sweep her infidelity under the rug and the time to discuss and try to fix the problems in our marriage was long before she made the decision to have an affair.
• She believes all trust in our marriage is gone because her privacy was violated when I obtained emails, text messages, phone records, and GPS location data to discover her infidelity and continued relationship with OM after she told me and our MC she was no longer talking to him. In her mind, she feels like she's in a prison.
• Our families are really upset about our separation but nobody is aware of any infidelity. In their mind, my wife is being emotionally immature and unreasonable with her expectations of love and marriage. This view is shared by both sides of our family. My best friend knows and had been a lifeline. Her best friend knows and in some ways has supported or at least not discouraged her infidelity... to the extent that she joked with my wife about acting like a giddy teenager in love with the OM.
• She has recently admitted that she was in a bad place and made a mistake in confiding in the OM. She has suggested that she should have sought counsel from one of her girlfriends instead and may have gotten caught up in the grass is greener syndrome and the naive and unrealistic portrays of love in movies, etc.

I guess what I'm looking for is some guidance on how I should be handling the current situation. Every night I walk out the door and leave my kids behind and every night I Skype with my kids at bedtime breaks my heart. I miss my family and feel like I'm in limbo. Should I just keep working on myself, GAL and be patient and wait for my wife to make a decision about what she wants to do?

When I'm around my wife, I try to be positive and present myself as being happy, ready to move on, etc, but the truth is that she helped destroy my family and my career and it's hard to appear happy when you're hurt, lonely, and starting over in so many ways.... I guess if I'm honest, I'm not even sure I should try to save our marriage anymore. I just know I'm still grieving for the loss of my wife, my best friend, and my family. I cry every night and it's not uncommon for me to breakdown in the middle of the day. Don't worry, I'm working on that.

I'm just tired and want to feel like I have some path forward... some kind of future... something to plan around... because if I'm being truly honest, the only reason I'm still fighting for our marriage is because of my kids, the dreams we once shared for our family, and the promise I made to my wife and her family when we got married. I told them that I would always love my wife and would be with her, for better or worse and I don't want to be a man who is unwilling to honor is word. I'm just not sure if there's anything worth fighting for anymore