I feel your confusion, anquish, pain; I really do. But you are wearing yourself out trying to justifiy YOUR actions in perception to her thoughts. Which most of the post is in relation to. Guess what and you know this? YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT SHE IS THINKING. I've been told countless times; you cannot figure it out, not then, not now.
You are going to do whatever you want and then be disappointed and then justify it.
I know you want your R to work, we all do, but I think you are overworking and overanalyzing the problem.
I'm with Christine on the money. My only ongoing advice is that if you're going to go drak for a little bit, do it while your doing something else for yourself. I still don't think you've given yourself a real chance to "get away" from your sitch for a couple days. I know you can't shut it out altogether, but I truly believe that any reprieve (and not just w/Udog--as good as she is) will do you good and give you fresher ideas.
Hey Seattle, I meant to post yesterday but ran out of time, (sorry). Anyway, just wanted to drop by and give you some ((((((((((((())))))))))).
This has me somewhat confused as well. I want to make sure that my WAS "knows" that I love them and want to work things out-AND I've told him that SEVERAL times. But bringing in distance scares me to the point that if I don't reach out and keep some sort of contact then will he think I have given up? I guess that's part of the idea behind DBing but it is scary. I know in a way I have done the detachment thing and I'm not sure if it's working or not. The thing I'm contemplating now and maybe you can as well is, if we were both "detached" for a number of months, would my R hold out in the end? By this I mean that if we both took a "holiday" from it w/little to no contact, no emotional attachment, etc.. during a period and then one day either of us made that step forward to "re-connect" would the door still be open or would it be sealed at that point?
I have read about others on the BB who have done this for periods of time and wonder HOW??? I am questioning myself to see if I would be able to handle it. I think that could be part of detachment and letting them have their "space"???? Not really looking for answers just thoughts here mostly. Maybe you see it differently but just thought I'd throw it out there.
As for the money...I would "hold" it until you speak to her again. Maybe you could call and just "thank" her for returning the things and let her know that you got everything. Then, if she brings up the money you could tell her you hadn't looked at it yet and kind of set the bait for her? Take care Tootles.................
Thanks for the concern everyone. Been having a couple of really hectic days at work and it is not helping with my anxiety. Also trying to get my thoughts together personally.
I wish I could take a vacation from all of this, but it is a critical time at work and a critical time for me personally. I have been trying to get an hour here or there when I can relax or do somthing for me. It has been getting me by.
The contact I have been initiating is for a couple of reasons, she has felt I was distant and wasn't loving enough before, I didn't pay enough attention to her, she prefers to run from problems rather than face them, and she is absorbed with a new business and new life. The new business is the most disturbing to me. If anyone can relate to this, it is a huge distraction and I don't believe I can let any communication bids by her to slip since she has so little time to give. Isn't the whole point of this to convey to WAS they have a warm inviting home to return to and make it as attractive as possible? I undertand she has to desire to come back, and maybe that is closing the door a little, but that has not worked in the past for me. So far there has been no response from her either in my current period of darkness so what do you think? Doesn't seem to be working unless I'm missing somthing?
Quote: The thing I'm contemplating now and maybe you can as well is, if we were both "detached" for a number of months, would my R hold out in the end? By this I mean that if we both took a "holiday" from it w/little to no contact, no emotional attachment, etc.. during a period and then one day either of us made that step forward to "re-connect" would the door still be open or would it be sealed at that point?
Yes Karen I have the same concerns. After some detachment and not seeing her for a couple of weeks (three at most) I feel she is more distant and her wall is stronger, she might have some internal concerns she doesn't express all the time (sometimes she does) and I can't tell if this is still just surface defenses and in actuality it is wearing down. She does seem to share more feelings after a long period of no R talk, do you see the same patterns?
Quote: I have read about others on the BB who have done this for periods of time and wonder HOW??? I am questioning myself to see if I would be able to handle it. I think that could be part of detachment and letting them have their "space"???? Not really looking for answers just thoughts here mostly. Maybe you see it differently but just thought I'd throw it out there.
Yes I agree it would be tough. My larger concern is that I haven't seen anyone be successful at regaining their WAS just because they detached, got a life, and went dark hoping for a miracle with no contact initiated by them. Anyone disagree?
Quote: The contact I have been initiating is for a couple of reasons, she has felt I was distant and wasn't loving enough before, I didn't pay enough attention to her, she prefers to run from problems rather than face them.
This is what I was doing as well, for the same reasons. It worked intermittently for me. Two positive things I did were letting H know I had faith in him to get where he wanted to go and that I respected his need to focus on work when he was doing that. (yeah...took me a while to figure that out, too)
IMHO, you might want to keep up the contact, but not overdo it. You were overdoing it. Make it less frequent and more casual. Respond to her bids, but not all of them. Create a little mystery about what her reliable beloved Seattle is up to.
If you keep doing what I was doing, it will exhaust you and then you're going to need an aromatherapy facial too.
Seriously, I don't think going dark for a long time is going to help you. Darkness helps you get your head together and do for you without the stress of the R, wondering, analyzing, etc. It doesn't do anything by itself, IMO, just allows you space to do what you need to do-- whether that's take care of Seattle's needs, get some work done, do a 180 from calling all the time, etc.
BTW, I posted a question for you on my thread.
p.s. to Karen, the M-V theory says men are like rubber bands and often need to go away before they "snap back"... not sure if that helps you figure out when the quiet times can help versus not? They are scary, I agree!
hey seattle and all- thought I'd throw in some smiles and a little positivity here... on "detachment", R's, and the sweet spot of DB.
Quote: The thing I'm contemplating now and maybe you can as well is, if we were both "detached" for a number of months, would my R hold out in the end? By this I mean that if we both took a "holiday" from it w/little to no contact, no emotional attachment, etc.. during a period and then one day either of us made that step forward to "re-connect" would the door still be open or would it be sealed at that point?
IMHO, and what has produced success for me is not doubting-whatsoever. PMA is the most impt part of DB and take it to the level that there are always chances. Every day is something new. An R is never over or gone unless BOTH people pull away from it for good. It's what DB is all about! We cant control others, but we can INFLUENCE THEM GREATLY!! For example my sister and her significant other broke up and were apart for a year- no contact even, and got back together a year later when they resumed contact and had good contacts. If you have EVER had a close connection with a person, there is every likelihood that you can resume that R in the future. It's called confidence. Knowing you are great and trusting that your S is smart enough to see that too in the not so distant future. Using all the DB methods to connect with your S again, etc.... Nothing ever has to be final, as long as we are living beings, heck maybe even beyond, right! What happens for you depends on what YOU DO and what ATTITUDE you take about it. I'm going on a tangent here, but I can't stress it enough that WE decide to make or break our sitches, and don't we want to decide to MAKE it happen?! That's why we're all here in Piecing?
This no fail attitude plus "detachment" from the things our S's DO and the things they SAY- not "detaching" from the R is the sweet spot of DB. And it all comes through confidence when you don't listen to or react in an upset manner to the NEGATIVE things they say and do. See the positive things that are happening first and foremost. I'm convinced it all takes place on the deep level. If you've ever had an R with the person, the love is still there. Just buried by resentments, hurt, etc. Love heals in time. And strategy is very impt too. This is where the thinking/analyzing is GOOD. It's like studying for a test, do you want to get an A+ or are you gonna settle for a B or C. Fully understanding what's going on and how to handle it IS KEY. Key to becoming that amazing, confident bright beam of light! So bright that your S is drawn to you, and tons of friends too! Let's face it the people who become the most popular have the most people around them. Shine, rather than reflect. Come from YOUR center, rather than succombing to S's current state.
It is our choice whether to keep up with DB, keep trying great strategies or whether to give up and drop out of the class. But, my hunch is that none of us are in Piecing to give up on success, right?! Suppose I'm now gaining the rep as the DB cheerleader!
W's, "It may be wonderful" Man, take this and run with it!! I'm not gonna sit by and let you focus on the "may not"!!
Last edited by rj2; 04/02/0412:02 AM.
Master the self-fulfilling prophecy.. Act 'as if' it's going to happen and make it be!!
Quote: This no fail attitude plus "detachment" from the things our S's DO and the things they SAY- not "detaching" from the R is the sweet spot of DB.
This is so key.
Seattle, crazymaking (of which I think you've saved me from more than once), is a way our minds try to sow doubt. When the time comes--whether she reaches out to you or you decide its a good time to contact her--I feel you will be able to present a much happier and more confident self if you follow Rj2's advice
Quote: Suppose I'm now gaining the rep as the DB cheerleader!
Thanks RJ! You are Awesome and have given me some help in recentering myself!
I broke my left pinky finger playing bball last night. Half of the joint is broken and I am scheduled for surgery on Monday. At least one screw maybe more is likely required. The hospital will not release me to anyone other than a relative.
I'm thinking of asking W to pick me up. Mondays are usually slow for her. It might also be a good opportunity to monitor for her reactions. She has always been a florence nightingale type. Any opinions?
Seattle, my man, WAY TO GO! Don't even think twice about making that call, for sure. Definitely a DB sweet spot. Seeing you at hospital will for sure bring up warm, loving emotions in W. Sorry about your finger, but dang I think you just hit a real good thing w. this event happening... Energy/spirit does work in timely ways !
Master the self-fulfilling prophecy.. Act 'as if' it's going to happen and make it be!!
