Foucs on Me and my Boys 4

[Painter]

Jim, it sounds like insight that could help you detach and see that W is not the person for you to base your future on.

[bigybiz]

JK:

I'm guessing that part of the report will be who can offer the most stable home life for your boys. You can feel confident that all of your hard work in your career, family, etc has paid off.

[J5K]

Lady V

You are right. Liars will lie and cheaters will cheat. I always try to find the good in people. As the days pass things are more clear to me that she will walk or own road. I was willing to follow but things just did not happen fast enough for her. Only God knows if this was inevitable and this happened sooner than later.

Painter

We are on month 8 of living in two cities. I still think about my STBX but my thoughts are more about her selfishness and false sense of reality and how I don't want any part of that. Maybe I am not as driven as she is, maybe there is more to it than that. I will never know.

I feel I am detaching because I'm trying to figure out more things to do with the boys. I am also having more long term thoughts on how my life will be with them.

Bigybiz

Maybe I am the more stable one. Depends on each person's perception. From the standpoint of a daily routine of daily life I am. Get up go to work come home do chores, eat and spend time with the kids. STBX just wanted a little more spice added to our R. At least that is what she said. Obviously actions show different, more like she wants the single life. Again, this is my perspective and is not necessarily right. The only obvious thing I do know is she honestly believes she will never have to work and there are few who get that privilege today. She has her good looks thought and will use that to her advantage to find the next OM to secure her life financially.

What worries me the most is her detachment from the boys. It has been since Sunday, 4 days now and she has not called to speak with them. Is this normal even after a D?

[bigybiz]

JK:

The detachment that these WW have is unbelievable. The selfishness tells them "now it's my time", "now I am a mom", many of these woman would have said before that being a mom is everything to them, etc, etc.

Will they come back?

[Vanilla]

JK:

The detachment that these WW have is unbelievable. The selfishness tells them "now it's my time", "now I am a mom", many of these woman would have said before that being a mom is everything to them, etc, etc.

Will they come back?

Bigybiz

I don't think it's detachment. I see this as more of the denial ostrich syndrome.

Men have it too, it's own needs before kids and all else and it helbs not to look.

That's why mirroring back helps, "I heard you say your needs come first" or " you have said it's my turn now whereas I you once said my kids come first"

A well placed "really? What did you say" or "please repeat that"

"Can you explain?"


Hmmmmmmm mm

And my very favourite

" yes, I see that"

V

[J5K]

I don't think it's detachment. I see this as more of the denial ostrich syndrome.

Men have it too, it's own needs before kids and all else and it helbs not to look.

That's why mirroring back helps, "I heard you say your needs come first" or " you have said it's my turn now whereas I you once said my kids come first"

A well placed "really? What did you say" or "please repeat that"

"Can you explain?"


Hmmmmmmm mm

And my very favourite

" yes, I see that"

V

V,

So what do you think is missing for a WW/H? Why are they hiding their heads? Especially when they have children involved?

I have looked back at myself and know I will still move to Toronto because I want my boys closer to their mom and I did commit to that. My fear or denial was mind reading on what STBX would do when I moved there. I had a lot to risk financially. Not that I am not taking a hit now, I am but at least I can live with myself and say I did all I could to try and communicate and resolve the issues with the M.

[SH_]

JK it's not what is missing, it is what they are following.
Selfish feelings. This is the thing that has a parent turn from the children. It is simply the pursuit of the feelings of selfishness.

[Vanilla]

Sweetheart

Why?

For so many different reasons, at the end of the day, they put themselves first last and in the middle.

And either they don't care or to justify it they rationalise and deny. Otherwise reality bites. Better to do what you want and stick your head up your arse.

And we can't have reality biting, that would spoil our fun.

Now can we?

Would not do at all.

V

[Vanilla]

Jim

You do what's right for you and your boys.

A tough call.

V

[J5K]

So this has to be more MLC for her than WAW or waywardness, or who knows, a combination of all 3.

5 days now that STBX has not called the boys to say hello to them. I know that she is still in Toronto because she made a charge on the CC yesterday. I thought maybe she was on vacation with OM.

I was on the phone with a buddy of mine and I walked into one of the boys rooms, S7 asked if it was mom and I told him no it was my friend. I asked S7 if he wanted to speak with him and S7 said yes. My friend has an S8 and the two boys have met several times.

I can see that my boys just want to interact and get some attention. I am glad I gave him the phone for a few minutes to interact with another adult male.

V,

I definitely have a lot of thinking to do. The path that I take with the boys will be a critical decision.

I continue to think back to some of the statements that STBX has said when I first was getting my transfer. She was trying to negotiate a short term plan. She would say things like you can have the boys after 3 or 4 years just let me raise my baby during his formidable years.

Another thing she said was if one of them wants to come live with you I won't stop them.

When I had the transfer in motion we discussed how things would work if we were living in the same city. I asked if she was going to come to my place to watch the boys and get them ready for school and she stated that she was not willing to get up at the crack of dawn so that I could go to work. I said fine, I will find some other means to ensure the boys would get to school.

Lastly, she stated that if I were to ever find a job opportunity out of state or a longer distance away from her she would not stop me from going and taking the boys with me.

I think about these 4 statements a lot. To me, this does not sound like someone who made a conscious choice to adopt 5 boys and commit to raising them. It is clear her morals do not match mine.

My IC said I need to really think this through so that STBX does not abandon the boys a second time if we move up there. The only sure thing I know is that I will be there for them even if she does.

I have a friend who has 3 biological children and 2 adopted. He has been D for 5 years now. His xW moved in with her OM 4 months after their D. His oldest resents her and my friend says that so do all of his other kids now. I don't want my boys resenting my STBX. I know that is out of my control and that the boys will feel what they feel when they get older based on her actions.

For me, I always hold myself accountable for my actions, which is probably why I take a long time to make decisions and overanalyze sometimes.

In this case though, I cannot allow her to runaway from her responsibilities. I will have to make my assessment after the D is finalized to see how to proceed and minimize the loss that the boys will feel while protecting myself and the boys financially also.