I've been doing LRT with almost immediate results, she has been asking about my day, wanted to watch a movie together on the couch, and generally getting on fine.
She had blocked me on Facebook as I put a status on there a few weeks ago accusing her of cheating.
About an hour ago she mentions unblocking me, I thought nothing of it. A friend then texts me and tells me she's put this as a status. "Hello and welcome to the singles club"
This was around the time she unblocked me.
To clarify, no arguments, me being cool with her, no questioning, no neediness etc. She posts that whilst sitting with me, then goes to bed
I broke the LRT and asked about it, she loses her temper and starts blaming me for starting it, and saying she can do what she wants etc.
My head is going to explode, it comes across as spiteful to suddenly unblock me on Facebook and then post that , seemingly with the idea I would see it and go mad about it.
Why would she do that after we've been getting on so well ?
Hi Cop1, don't try and analyse what she is doing and why. It won't help you. When my W was still in the house she would do the same things, always asking where I was going, who I was with etc. She would say she was just trying to be civil... My W still has her status as married on FB even though she says we are done, done, done. I actually unfriended her as she was telling me she was going to go have an affair blah blah.
Like Sandi says, she wants the benefits of you as well as her free single side, you have to let go and look after you. It's hard, especially in the house, I made sure W moved out. Don't ask her anything, I haven't asked my W anything about her life for 6 months. Get the focus on you and you alone, like everyone says, it's hard but you need to stop trying to mind read her.
I'm 6 months since BD and W is still all over the place where her words and actions are often poles apart. She wants control of the situation and in particular she wants control of you. Take control of yourself back first and foremost.
Cop1, you said you were a cop for 10 years. I was military for 5 before leaving to be with my W. Do you remember your training, I'm sure you had people shouting at you, blaming you for stuff you knew was garbage but it was part of the game. I know I had corporals, etc shouting in my face, I had pace sticks an inch from my nose and never bothered me. Over time in my relationship, like yours, we lost that ability to handle anything been thrown at us, said to us. I am working at getting back to that point, that strong character that can handle the spew thrown at us, the random crazy things people would do, I'm sure you saw enough of those in 10 years. I know it's different than a relationship but that's what I'm working on getting back to.
I hear you, it has taken me time to get back to who I am want to be. I still try to mind read her but it only hurts me and wastes my energy. My In-laws say my W is confused and still hope but think I need to be friends to win her back. However they don't know the whole story and I have only given them some of the details of how she has been towards me. They also agree though that my W picked a friendship over family and that it was an inappropriate one at that.
The Bbq, first question- what do YOU want to do?
We have a joint house, I made sure she moved out though and told her that she still has to finance her half of the house and her own apartment herself. She argued about the amount a coupe of months ago that she had agreed a lesser amount but I had an email with what she said she would contribute. She even went and saw a lawyer and found a loophole that benefited her (I already knew about it) but the last 2 months has put in the originally agreed amount. It doesn't make sense to me but this is just a small part of my W's randomness.
You know you have some things to work on yourself, focus on this not on her. (It's easy to say and harder to do, I know) you need to get ahead of her on the detachment. On the control of yourself. She is getting on fine because you are still there.
Walk, run, the gym, anything to get you out and moving. The more you wallow and feel the victim the more it hurts you. Think back to who you were at the beginning, where you someone sitting around wallowing or where you busy with your own life. I'm guessing you were confident in yourself, carried yourself strong and handled your own poop...
When my W was in the house, she wanted to play board games, watch tv together, do things as a family. Some I accepted some I didn't, had something else to do.
We need to fix ourselves before we have any chance, search for posts from Coach. Read up on what's attractive etc. It's harder in the house, I get that, but you need to step up and get hold of yourself. Until you can do that, you will keep spinning. Sandi hit me once with the line- if you are watching her your ship will sink. Drop the rope and walk the other way, she knows she still controls you. Let it go and see what happens.
It will take some 2x4's, it took some for me too but you are still needing your W when you have to get to the stage of wanting it but not needing it. Believing you will be fine on your own if the worst happens, plan for the worst, hope for the best if you want but have no expectations.
I see you still trying to find the magic bullet to fix this and speed the process up. I still have those thoughts at times and I get hit with the 2x4 by my Dad when I do.
I have never studied a topic like I have relationships over the past 6 months, do it for yourself and the rest will come. it may not be what we want as we have only control of ourselves but as is said her often, make yourself someone only a fool would leave.
I've read most of your posts. I tell you any step in GAL is good. My sit has been sliding over the past 10 months - but I do feel good. I long for my W, I can't understand her, etc, etc, I'm not detached - maybe a little. But, my GAL is awesome.
Make any small change and you will get momentum. If you go to starbucks carry a thermos of coffee, if you wear jeans, switch to dress pants, change the way you get to work, etc,
I started decluttering the house and it made me feel great. It did not cost me anything, no major time commitment, etc. I did a couple of items a day. It gave me a real sense of accomplishment.
The biggest mistake I made was keeping my marital problems to myself. Get support - call your friends, see your clergy, etc, etc. It really helps.
The GAL will come - just start with anything.
M:50 W:53 MR:20 D:21 S:17 S:11 BD-Sept 2015 Suspected PA Sept 2015-Confronted W & OM Dec 2015 Actually EA In house Sep:Jan/16-May 2016 W moved out:May 22 2016 OM-Intro Oct/17-On scene July/Aug 2017
Her mum says that there's nothing I can do to change things
This is garbage, Of course you can change things.
You cant change HER, but you can certainly change YOU. And you never know what kind of effect your long term change will have on her.
So, time for change!
Id start by stopping to mindread everything she does. Nobody knows why she put that on FB...Likely, she wanted you to read it and start an argument, but who knows?
I do still need her and can't imagine not being with her.
I have found myself getting annoyed and angry with feeling like this, I just want this feeling to go away and it's giving me some strength when I get annoyed at feeling the way I do for so long.
I've stopped drinking alcohol and take more pride in my appearance now, I'd really let myself go when we were together and drank a lot.
That change has made me feel better in myself
Si- is there any signs that you W has started to chase you? Has LRT worked in that sense?
