I'm sleeping at my house, in my own bed - for the first time in 6 weeks ever since this BD happened and blew my life apart. The most comfortable sleep I've had in many moons. I wake up today to an empty house that seems like the scene from another lifetime. It's surreal to think just last month I lived here with my wife and two happy children. Everything's changing so fast. In terms of my DB efforts the past few weeks I have been a rock. I have been poised, confident, cool, cordial, respectful with my wife - and I’ve noticed that her attitude has softened quite a bit. We are friendly and joking around each other. She calls me now. I have a key to the house again and I’m staying here. Yesterday I made my first mistake. I will get the 2x4 to the head for this, but MWD says you will mistakes so please go easy - I’m only human.
Yesterday I had to exchange the kids, I knew I had to see my MIL - or rather I think she was insisting on seeing me. I tried to offer to just drop the kids off but my W said she wanted to pick them up, so I knew it was because MIL wanted to see me. I love my MIL, she has been a second mother almost to me. She is a very special person in my life and it kills me that there is now a wall between us. I know she has to support her daughter in all this D drama, blood is thicker than water. I really only had a few minutes to talk to her while we loaded the kids in the car and my W ran to go get something. I hugged her, and I told her it was good to see her and I missed her. I said - I just wanted to say I’m sorry for everything. She basically said - I know, I love you too - but I don’t have to live with you. We will get through this and we will see each other, and we will be there for the kids, and you will adjust to your new life. These are talking points no doubt. I know my MIL has to ‘support’ her daughter - probably all my W’s family and friends are ‘supporting’ my wife by telling her that D is the best option. My wife has a huge ‘support system’, which is why she has hardened her attitude so quickly against MC and filed D so quickly. My mother in law was only reiterating the talking points. I hugged her and I said - I love your daughter, but I respect her enough to let her go if thats what she chooses. After that my W came out and we did the exchange quickly and I left.
After the exchange, I drove home and my hands were shaking. My relationship with my MIL has fundamentally changed. No doubt they are driving 7 hours to my in laws house and the discussion will be about the D and how my wife will ‘survive and thrive’ and ‘the kids will be fine’. I go to my brother’s house and hang out with my brother, talk to him a little while. I feel bad about how I’m having to rely so much on my brother - he’s my best friend but he is an adult and doesn’t need to be propping up an emotional wreck like me every day for weeks. He is a good man. I attend a 12 step meeting, work out. I try to do some work, but it is very hard for me to stay focused - with kids gone until next week visiting my in laws, the crazy text message yesterday about selling our house, everything going around in my head. I was having a great week too - I actually stopped and said to myself - wow I actually went several days where I did not break down once, I actually felt pretty happy most of the time. My interactions with my W are going well, she’s softening up, I’m really enjoying spending quality time with the kids - I’m working out, I’m focusing on work and getting a lot of projects done. And now I’m reeling again from everything - it really is a roller coaster ride.
Later last night I go to my therapy, then meet my buddy for a night of bar hopping. I’m in 12 step now, so I am just along to drink diet coke and hang out. It is really fun. I am connecting with one of my best buddies again after many years of not being able to hang out with him so much because I was married with kids. My buddy’s single by the way. We talk about his life, his recent dating experiences - all of the stuff that’s going on with me, he’s a good guy to talk to about this stuff, he’s really supportive. We make plans to get together more often, and we make plans to attend Lollapalooza next month. I drive my buddy home - then I drive back to my old house for the first time since all of this craziness started, I collapse on the bed and fall asleep - then I wake up and write this post.
Me-45, W-37, T-10 yrs, M-9 yrs D -7 yrs, S-5 yrs BD-5/3/16, D filed 6/8/16
Good job qt4. I really wish I were you because I truly believe that you will make it, you will be able to reconcile. Your MIL will talk to your wife and make her change her mind. You are very lucky that you like your MIL, because your wife will eventually become just like her. Just a question, is your MIL still married to your wife's father? Congrats my friend, Claudio
Yes she is. I don't know if my MIL will support me on this. No doubt she has been supporting my wife's decision to D as the only way to make her happy. I look at my own family - they just want me to be happy and now they think D is the easiest way for me to be happy. In fact I'm thinking that was a mistake with my MIL. Thank you Claudio - I'm keeping you in my thoughts and hoping you find a way to make it through your situation.
Me-45, W-37, T-10 yrs, M-9 yrs D -7 yrs, S-5 yrs BD-5/3/16, D filed 6/8/16
You will be fine qt4. Your MIL is still married and that means A LOT!!! She will do the best that she can to get you back to your wife, she is not a quitter herself! My MIL in law on the other hand is against marriage and hates her ex. My MIL even tried to give me a restriction order and the judge found it laughable and denied it to her. My situation is much worse and it will much harder to fix but I am not a quitter. I am not going to lose hope, I am not going to date other women, never ever again, and I will wait for my wife to come back. That's what I keep repeating my children, so that they can grow up being emotionally stable and not being quitters/losers.
Don't quit, stay strong. I am here to support you - so is everyone else on this board. Miracles do happen. Be proud of yourself that you are willing to not give up and put this work in your marriage for the sake of your kids and your love for your wife. God I hpe you're right about MIL but right now I am losing hope about everything - and I'm detaching, and reading about the Law of Surrender. Giving up all expectations in my mind is actually helping me continue DB in the face of such huge obstacles.
Me-45, W-37, T-10 yrs, M-9 yrs D -7 yrs, S-5 yrs BD-5/3/16, D filed 6/8/16
Don't lose hope qt4. Even if you get divorced, it doesn't mean anything. It's just a piece of paper, what you want is the relationship with your woman and with the kids. Detaching and having no contact is relatively easy, I have been doing it now for 6 months. The hard part is to stay single, to avoid young girls, to avoid starting a new relationship, especially after several months or years. Starting a new relationship with a girl would definitely kill any chance of me getting back with my wife. Just because she is acting like a teenager it doesn't mean that I have to, even if she sleeping with a man right now. Stay strong.
t's just a piece of paper, what you want is the relationship with your woman and with the kids.
That piece of paper and the legal process seems very scary when she and Ls are talking about selling your house and dividing your bank accounts. Be thankful that at least you are not at that point my friend.
Me-45, W-37, T-10 yrs, M-9 yrs D -7 yrs, S-5 yrs BD-5/3/16, D filed 6/8/16
I am in the same boat. The good thing is that my wife is making $7k a month working as a nurse practitioner and I am making $2k a month working in the business that we have together, so hopefully she will leave me alone with the business. If not, my lawyer will fight her in court. The good thing is that my wife is making good money and that she is now 44 so probably she won't have any more kids with anybody else. That would really suck if she got pregnant all of a sudden from another man.
