Out of In house S- Start of two homes (10)

[vise82]

Had a good night, was a whirl wind of activity, picked up new mattresses, made the kids dinner, walked over to school and picked them up, fed them, took to soccer, took them home got there beds set up and put them to bed. Youngest was happy to get a bigger bed that i could lay with him to read a book in his bed.

W texted me twice tonight about some music player for her gym she cant find , I replied have not seen it. Then again later about the event for kids at school. did not reply to that one. I have to admit part of me wishes she would stop beating around the bush and just really talk to me.

I also set up a time to meet my brother.

One day at a time.

[vise82]

Hey,

well I have the kids. W texts me at night to not forget about the soccer and forms to bring. Did not reply.

I had a tight schedule this morning. I was asking the kids to do stuff three or four times and they still did not do it. I blew a gasket of sorts and had to put the oldest in time out. I feel so bad when It comes to that.

Was able to get them to the soccer on time. W was there and we spent all day together. I took the opportunity to complement her on how good she looks now with all the weight she lost. Then i focused on on part of her body her legs to further complement her on. Well she was in a good mood after that and walked to her car with oldest and pulled out a fathers day gift for me that she bought for the kids. It was a shirt that was describing all the super heroes and how dad is like each one.

W mentions to me that i can use her gym membership for free, its like 7 dollars a month to add me but she wont charge me if I want it. Also she was basically inviting me and the kids to go out after one of their soccer nights to a food truck event. so i casually said we can see how the day goes

After that her parents show up. They were nice and her dad sat near me and her mom sat near W. That is what used to happen back when we were together.

But it is still not anything to change anything. I am on my own. I can stay where i am for as long as i want. someone on here described it like James bond. If she want to flirt I will but I am not going to change the course of my life or even change my plans for the day for her. Be in the moment.

Tomorrow, fathers day I have my kids till noon, so after a big breakfast we are going to the skate park. I will get some good video of them. then the kid exchange, and off to soccer for me my GAL.

[vise82]

Hey

Had a good breakfast even if I had to cook it all myself, S7 did help with the bacon until the hot oil splashes were to much for him.

I took them to the skate park and then from there we went to a splash pad. It was hot and we miss our old house's pool.

After we all got smoothies,

Then the exchange.

W was looking good with all new tight clothes. Kids took off to play with kids on the street, there are a lot of them. Not too much on my street.

Saw the single guy that lives next door to her, very bad boy biker looking. I was fast as the longer I was there me more it was bothering me to just leave the kids. So like taking off a band-aid i ripped out of there. I imagine she just bought those clothes in the morning because that is where she was, shopping. I did not even give a compliment but could tell she was fishing for one. She was not dressing her age at all. She tells people she is 30, she just turned 34.

Then the sadness waves over as I drive home alone to an empty house, I start to empty out the van of the garbage from my time with the kids. I think I spent too much on them but when I only have them for a while it hard not to.

I am finding this is the hard part, she is always there. Detached or not she is there. I cant get away from her. And if I am thinking this, it must be worse for the person wanting out of the MR. They want to get away from the other person but because of the kids, it never happens fully.

And now that I am settled in my new place, the question is going to come up. When do I start trying to date. Do I divorce first if that is what i want or do I see what is out there while S. Or do I continue on this lonely path of DBing knowing that she will not D me because as long as we do not D she continues to be on my work benefits. This was negotiated in the S agreement. Until she finds MR benefits or a new man.

I think the answer is to GAL for now and push all the thoughts back for now.

[MoveFrwd]

I was asking the kids to do stuff three or four times and they still did not do it. I blew a gasket of sorts and had to put the oldest in time out. I feel so bad when It comes to that.

So what can you do to change this kind of behavior?

[vise82]

Hey Darknes,

The answer for your question would be to ask once. if not done put in time out. I waited too long to discipline. The longer I waited the more the anger build. If I cut it right off at the beginning I am sure to get better results.

So today I am meeting my brother and I am spinning a bit. Its a reality check as more people will know. I am not sure what he has to say about me backing away from the family for so long.

I am spinning over the limbo of the S. Of the smallest hope that it could work out. Of the summer and wanting to go on vacation with the kids. They are not getting any younger. It saddens me that I may get news that W wants to take them on vac. with out me. That we wont be together for it. And it makes me unsettled that I want to ask W about it and if she wants to go together.

What a situation to be in right now. Just spinning around stuff that I know the answer to. This may be the negative result of flirting with W at soccer. Of all the gifting exchanging that was going on. It pulls me in, setting me up for this spin and angst.

[MoveFrwd]

The answer for your question would be to ask once. if not done put in time out. I waited too long to discipline. The longer I waited the more the anger build. If I cut it right off at the beginning I am sure to get better results.

I have the same problem with my children. I think there are two issues at play here:

1) The children's behavior:
Im not sure timeout is the right answer. Ive never found timeout to be an effective punishment, but thats just me. Ive found that long term behavioral change comes more easily from reinforcing positives vs punishing negatives. On top of that, what are they learning about from timeout? Especially if you are in a rush, youre only hurting yourself.

How about you adopt a reward system? Or instead, start getting ready earlier? Or count how many times you need to ask things and make a chart to show them their growth?

2) your behavior/attitude: how can you prevent yourself from blowing a gasket? How can you remain patient and/or calm? How can you maintain an even voice level?



Just my opinions though. Im by no means a child psychologist.

[vise82]

Hey Darknes,

Timeouts have been working for me. I don't really use them enough. The positive reinforcement I agree with. It is something that I try to do when things go well.

Kids are going to act up they need consequences when they do.

As for me. I have removed myself from the situation to cool down. I am as described calm and quiet. But if I let an anger build up it gets to a boiling point. What has worked for me is to remove myself from the situation to prevent blowing a gasket.

Last night I met with my brother and his W and new child. It was a good visit, I let him know that when he went through his divorce I had no idea of the pain he was going through until I experienced it for myself.

I filled him in on how W and I decided that it was best to distance our selves from my brothers and sisters. I also said that looking back I should have never agreed to it.

That W was telling me the MR problems were not me they were her, that she left me in the dark on how much resentment she was keeping in. That she was treating me poorly and I thought to force me out of the MR. That she fell in love with the gay neighbor and was having an emotional affair all the while we were going to MC. That I have not been going to her family functions and have been excluded from any weddings. That I am working on myself to be better as this was a kick to my ass to be a better man.

He did not see the reason for my not contacting the brothers and sisters, He understood that I wanted the space to work on my family with out the stress of the brothers and sisters adding to it.

It did not work, It isolated me. It made me more depressed.

The visit gave a feeling of having roots meeting with him, like yes this is part of who I am, part of who I was. I need to talk to more of them to hear the old stories of growing up, the memories that I have forgotten. It is grounding me. I feel more connected knowing they are there and want me to connect with them. I don't have to be so alone.

Then there is the issue of my W not telling me of the birth of my brothers son. She held back that information from me for 12 weeks now.

I am angry about it but not sure if I should confront W about it. One part of me wants to but other part want to avoid the conflict. It would be a 180 to address it.

With holding info like that is wrong. Its controlling. and it erodes trust, because what else has she not been telling me.

[Fogg]

How is that an issue? You're making assumptions she knew about the birth or that she knew you would even want to know. You made the decision to stop contact with your family along with her back then, it wouldn't be her responsibility to tell you something you distanced yourself from. That's on you not her. Let it go.

[vise82]

Hey Fogg,

Its not an assumption as she was notified by the baby's mother on Facebook, there was also initiations they sent to W for me that I did not know about.

I have let it go for now but it has tainted my view of W. I find it unacceptable for her to keep that info from me. I find it controlling and manipulative. It erodes trust also.

I met W and kids at soccer last night for S4 and that was it for me I did not talk to her I sat a way from her, she was angry at me for not replying to emails fast enough and I don't care.

She was not happy, her legs which I thought looked great the last time I saw her looked long and stringy now to me. Unappealing.

I don't think its worth mentioning, I have no interest in talking to her more then I have to. I want to us that energy for people who care and love me.

[vise82]

Hey,

I picked up kids from school as it is my time with them now. W did not email or text me all day, very unusual. She was at kids soccer. I sat next to her but not much was said to each other. I just talk to the kids now. She asked for kids swimming stuff and said to the kids she is going to the old street to visit and swim. I did not need to know that. I have no plans to ever drive on that street again.

I put the kids to bed. they were acting up again. This time I asked in a calm voice how many times do I have to ask you to do something? S7 listened and did as requested. S4 we bothering S7 and I had to put him in time out as he was hitting him. After he was playing by himself away from his brother and was doing great so I gave him positive word that he was doing great play nicely.

This morning the baby sitter shows up and I left, no kids were up yet.

I have a consultation with a professional organizer today. See how that goes. Going to be hard to justify paying to organize my house, but I do need it.

I see this thread is almost done, so the plan going forward is more about me and kids. I can see that the next thread may be my last as I cant see things changing with the MR. I have even been thinking that It might have to be me to file for D just to help me move forward.

One day at a time.