Out of In house S- Start of two homes (10)

[vise82]

Ugh

I am second guessing this birthday dinner. Wondering if it was such a good idea. I have been doing really well with detaching and worried this might set me back. I have been feeling stronger so who knows. Also worried I am letting her cake eat. Really she took me and kids out for my birthday so I wanted to return the favor.

Funny no contact from W today other then a thank you after I sent her a Happy birthday text early this morning.

No big deal.

I will continue to give her a taste on what she is missing out on. Then I move back from her again. I have seen OTW do this with mild success. I figure if I can do this from a detached place and it has no affect on me then I should be OK.

Just feeling a little nervous and unsure but overall confidant I will be fine. I think its the right thing to do right now. Plus it help W was very excited to go.

Feel free to tell me otherwise with 2x4s or what ever else is handy.

[otw]

Just go now. Too late not too. I can give some more insight later.

[vise82]

Hey,

So I did go. Met W at the Restaurant. She was waiting outside. I was neither excited or regretful at that point. It just was. It was good to see her. It felt comfortable. Like always. I dont know how else to put it. Was not much deep conversation but we have always been some what quiet.It was light and easy. I made the reservation and was much in control of the whole deal. Kids were good. It was a good meal. They sang happy birthday and they took a picture of us all together which she took off the table to put away in her purse after we all looked at it.

We went to soccer and we sat together. I asked her a few questions about work. There was talk of the kids and dog. S4 got me to stand up as it was raining and he put W and my chairs right close together so everything did not get wet. W did not mind me getting closer.

Before I drove her to her car kids gave the birthday present to her, some car wash stuff the kids picked out and a card they picked out and signed. I got her nothing. She had been asking me if I had extra car was stuff. So kids thought it was a good gift. W was glad to open it.

SHe goes to leave to her car and hugs the kids buy and thanks them for the gift and then makes and effort to thank me for the dinner. I just turned with a smile and wished happy birthday. She smiled back.

I go to drive away and almost start crying but held it together as I have the boys now, so game on for that!!

So I go on with my life, with my boys until mid Sunday for the kid exchange again. I have no plans to contact her, text her first or ask any questions.

[roist]

Just a quick observation.Yes if you can interact from a detached place it is good. BUT you are not detached.You are improving but youare not detached.

It is tough. You are doing well but revisit detaching could help now.

Maybe mindfulness or cbt could help with those moments where you lack motivation on your own. If you can do stuff with people no reason you cannot on your own.

Best wishes

[vise82]

Hey Roist.

Yes I am not fully detached. Alsomst there I think. Not seing W everyday has helped. Living for me and my two boys and dog has helped. My thoughts are on the tasks of the day the million things that need to get done that there is not much time to even think about the sitch.

Kids picked out a birthday card that was for a mom. It said she is the glue that holds the family together. Open it and it has the mom holding everything else, and it basically said that she holds everything else together. It was a funny card to my kids. And to me it does hold some truth. If W chooses to she can be the glue that keeps this family together. With out her making that choice we are not a family. So hang that backwards truth dart on your fridge W.

She forwarded me the gas bill for the old house to me last night. I did not reply, no need to.

Kids were all wound up and it took them a while to go to bed.

I set out their clothes for the next day and made their lunches.

In the morning the baby sitter shows up, S7 wakes up , S4 still asleep and I leave for work. She takes them to school for me.

[rich4j]

Vise

Just checking in to see how you are doing and reading that you feel you are getting closer to being detached?

How is that going and it seems that moving has helped tremendously?

I am in the same boat which in the next 6+ weeks will be gone and looking for any insight from you.

The card is kind of ironic eh?

[pinn]

Hi Vise,

Seems like you are doing better. One note on detachment. For me, as long as I was mentioning I was becoming detached or I consciously thought about it, it just proved how far away I was from actually being detached. I think true detachment happens when you don't even think of the word anymore. It just happens. keep on keeping on.

[vise82]

Hey rich4j,

Thanks for stopping by. I don't know if moving out will save your MR. But it might save you. You are forced to think for yourself, your mind finds itself, you get more confident as you don't have anyone talking negative to you about what you do.

You kids will look at you differently, more respect as you have your own place and you get to share it with only them. It helps create a bond that only you have with them. You will find you will have days when it will be tough. It will be when you are alone. But that is what GAL is for, so make plans for when you don't have the kids. Your place is going to pull out who you are as it will reflect with what furniture you buy and paint colors you pick.

You are going to be fine, You are going to make mistakes. You are going to do what you need to do because no one else is going to do it for you.

[vise82]

hey Pinn,

I know I am detaching because the hurt or sadness comes and goes in very shorter times now. I will get there. I have the mind set now that I am into a house I like. I am spending all this time setting it up. I am in no hurry to move out. I can if I choose stay her for as long as I want. If things turn around I can set my own pace. I am on my own time line.

On that note, W texted me that she put stuff in my mail box. Really? So I waited the two hour wait and thanked her. She replied back to that.

Meanwhile my friend texts me that my brother is trying to find me as he just had a baby boy and want to know if I want to meet the little guy. So a lot can happen it a year, the waiting time to dissolve a MR and having a baby. Then I find he is selling his race car.

So on one hand I have a W that does not want anything to do with my family because of how she was treated. Were S and living apart. As far as I know she is not seeing anyone. We are still talking to each other. On the other hand I have a brother with a new baby that is reaching out to me. I haven't talk to in almost three years to help make my MR stronger. I think I know what I want to do, and need to do, Just getting my thoughts out first.

[vise82]

Hey,

I made contact with brother and the drama is starting already.
Turns out he is dating a girl that knows friends of my W parents.

W parents have known about the baby for 12 weeks now. They have told me nothing. W must have known also of the birth and told me nothing.

I am going to set up a time to meet up with him. I was kind of emotional but have got past it now. It has been three years since I have talk to him. My life just got more complicated But it will be good to catch up with him.