He's doing a lot of projecting on to you right now. He can't see things clearly and is trying to "control" everything. As for communicating w/him...you've done an excellent job in biting your tongue.
BTW, they can't concentrate long enough to do the easiest things such as adding or putting things together. It's good that you are monitoring the accounts.
I do hope your weekend is a good one. If the texting gets to be too much, shut your phone off and give yourself a break. You do not have to be readily available 24/7 to your man child.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thanks Job. It's freaky to see his very obvious confusion. I guess I politely correct him and then continue to ignore. And yes, he is grasping for control over the very silliest things.
But, get this: yesterday, he cut his hair.
I didn't say a word. I wonder if there's some hairdresser out there who did what every haridresser is probably taught to do when encountering a mullet? Maybe her scissors "slipped" and she "accidentally" cut it off.
Seems too early for him to have done it on his own?!?
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
HaWho, Your h is trying everything to make himself feel better. He didn't get much of a reaction w/the mullet, so he's trying something different. He wants attention. You might want to consider telling him if you like the new style. Stroking his ego may go a long way in cutting down the textathons to you. He desperately needs attention and validation right now.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Taxtathons? Really? Definitely attention seeking, he sounds like a pre-teen. Good luck HaWho, and send idling you all the patience in the world-you need it!
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
Esame - yes, I think he is going for the attention grab. Any attention!!
Things have been wonderfully quiet over here. Saturday, I had an amazing day. And I must confess, sometimes I don't feel like I am dbing or even standing anymore?
The kids made plans with friends and we all decided to meet up later in the day for dinner (h too). I grabbed sneakers and a coffee and traipsed all around one of my favorite seaside areas. I popped into shops and walked and walked. I found the joy in little things: these salt and pepper shakers shaped like walnuts, the look of cookies in store windows, etc.
This time last year I was not capable of this joy. And I was so happy, that part way through the day, it occurred to me that maybe I am no longer dbing? I have been through so much emotional turmoil these last two years maybe I have just checked out? I do the things I have to do, but I am barely batting an eye over any of it. I have witnessed such crazy things.
By the end of the day h texted that he felt unwell so kids stayed at their friends' and I had Thai by myself w/ a glass of wine! I am listening to the audible version of the 6 Wives of Henry the 8th and that lifts my spirits. I am only on wife #1, Catherine of Aragon. For 5 years she was a pawn to the men in her lives and she was royalty! Horrible time to be a woman.
As for h, he has had moments of kindness like old h. Very weird. Sunday, S12 and I were driving home when I got a flat tire on the highway! I texted h for the AAA card # as he just renewed it for a flat he just repaired.
He called back and said he was coming! He said he would wait with the tow guy and I would drive back w/sons in his car. I told him he didn't need to do so as AAA was coming fast due to the fact that we were on a busy highway. But he did come just like old h would have. I thanked him and told him to get himself to the shoulder during the repair. What a long glimpse of that old stand-up guy.
Later, I was leaving for Costco to have them put on a regular tire. H told me not to drive more than 60 mph. (This is different from last year when I got a flat and he could have cared less.) As I was leaving he said he double checked and I shouldn't go over 50mph. This is the first time he has cared about my safety in a lonnng while. I thanked him for the heads up. Hmm.
Today I had plans to play tennis early and told the kids they would need to occupy themselves for a bit at home. S12 whined. He wanted to go meet friends and S10 wanted to meet friends, too. I said S12 could walk S10 over. S10 was nervous so I said I would take him when I returned. S10 asked h for a ride and h said no! H could have easily done it. So lame. So when I left, S12 was mad that he had to help by staying with S10. This too is a 180 for me: teaching them that I get a turn, too. The old me would not have done this.
Well, I left while h was in the shower and was wondering how he would react. I expected a nasty text. History shows, my tennis seems to bring that out in him. Well, he texted that he dropped the boys off where they wanted to go! The night before he said he wouldn't do it, but he did do it.
I was not about to ask him for help. I have done it before and it has only brought out resentful, PA, PIA comments. He has been jealous of my tennis, too. That really brings out the baby in him fast. The kids are now old enough that I no longer need to rely on h for help. Thank goodness!!
Anyway, I thanked him. He didn't respond.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
I remember hitting that place, where I enjoyed doing things alone again instead noticing a void. I remember hearing the birds sing and seeing the sunrise with a whole different view.
I don't think that means you have stopped DB'ing, at least it didn't for me. I think it is a form of acceptance and detachment. You realize that your H antics no longer define your happiness.
When it happens and you feel that joy, pause and take it in. Take notice and appreciate that moment and you will experience it more and more.
So happy to hear you had such a nice day
Me 48 H 46 S 11 M 2004 BD 8/13 H moved out 2/15 -live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
Hey HaWho, I’m glad to hear that you experienced some joy! I don’t know if you can say that you’re DBing, in a sense… What you are doing is more than just DBing. You are giving your H all the space and time to figure himself out, considering he is probably the most difficult MLCer I’ve ever read about on this board.
Kudos for you, doing 180 with your kids too! You deserve the “you” time. Your H is also figuring out that the tantrum outbreaks are not going to get him anything. I think you are doing a great job ignoring his antics. It must be exhausting though… I’m happy to hear that he is showing some concern about you and behaving like an “old” H sometimes. I think it shows that he is still a good person inside, the H you married… I hope he can overcome whatever he has to overcome.
To Wonka’s point though… he is trying an easy bake oven, LOL. All you can do now is to dig for more patience and take care of yourself.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Yes Mleigh - that's just exactly it, I didn't feel the void. And I noticed I didn't feel it.
Bright - yes, I think the 180 with my kids was a good one for me and for them.
Well, on the heels of such a great Saturday, I had an awful day yesterday. And it was all of my own making.
First thing in the morning, I came down and h was in the shower listening to this same depressing song he wrote months ago and has listened to for months now. I hate this song. He plays it over and over again and it's soooo depressing. I wanted to storm in there and flush his phone, and the entire playlist with it, down the toilet. I am so over his music pity party.
Then later in the day, out of absolutely nowhere, I had one of those "This is Your Life" moments. I am married to someone who hides in a downstairs bedroom! He barely speaks to me, hardly looks at me. This is nuts.
I could not shake the feeling. Later I exercised like mad. But it didn't help.
H also plays a different, but equally depressing song 24/7 in his car. This is not one he wrote. S10 had been out with h and came in from h's car singing it. I wanted to bleach my ears. I had to walk away before I snapped at S10.
And it just set my mind off. How long has he been listening to these same few stupid depressing songs? Many, many MONTHS! No wonder you are stuck! Get over it!! One of the songs is about how fast time goes and then that's all there is. How can he not see the irony?!? Yes, there is time and it's finite and you are spending months listening to these same two songs all whilst hiding in your stupid teenage lair. I want to scream, "you ARE wasting time by going back and reliving the past."
I am trying to steer clear of him. I am feeling the need to truth dart him to the point that he looks like Swiss cheese. I feel like I am about to point out to him (via screaming) that he's re-created his childhood bedroom only he is nearly 50!
Later I went for a walk so long my body ached and even that didn't help. In fact my whole stomach ached from the interior monologue I couldn't turn off.
Job - I know "breathe." But the futility of this is exhausting.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
The music/songs are very telling as to where he is...depressed. If you want to experiment, why not leave out or play some uplifting music? Sometimes, actions speak louder than words and they "hear" the actions more so.
Yes, he's been on the childhood train for quite some time...but we honestly don't know what's going through is mind right now...but try the music and see what happens. If nothing else, it will help you drown out his depressing repetitive stuff.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
