Out of In house S- Start of two homes (10)

[vise82]

Hey,

I have been unpacking. I have been crying as I come across bills and other forgotten papers from our last move three years ago. Its gut wrenching reminders if what used to be. Then i continue and the feeling goes away until the next card or ultra sound of picture of one of the pregnancies that did not make it. All the stuff from when W was into real estate and how I supported her with that. I pushed her into the work place. I was there for her for what ever she wanted to do and she went through five different types of jobs and certifications. She was finding her work self then.

I am emptying box by box. I have help coming to help me unpack and set up the kitchen and kids rooms.

I have soccer today.

I bought a couple of things for the house yesterday. one a large picture of a dog waiting by a door for its owner. Just need new things to look at that dont remind me of the old life.

I started a box for W. All stuff she should have. See all the boxes from past moves and unknown stuff came to my house for me to sort through. It these boxes, from the kitchen junk and papers and kids art,school work that are painful to go through.

I need to get through this stuff. I refuse to just put it in the basement like I have in the past. We have moved eight times in 12 years.

I dropped kids off, hugged then and barely said good bye to W. Had not made contact since.

[vise82]

Hey

Went to soccer, Had a good time. I think being alone forced me to talk to the other players. It was the most i talked since i started with the team. I complimented one of the girls on the team for having a good game, and she lit up like a Christmas tree with a big smile. I was nice to get that kind of reaction from just talking to some one.

Still no contact with W. She must be busy with the kids. I am going dark while she has the kids.

Tomorrow I have hired the babysitter and her sister to help set up the kids rooms and kitchen. Made sense as they are going to be looking after the boys in the summer for three days a week at my house. I also have a professional organizer that might give me a consultation but they are not available till next month.

I managed to reduce the boxes by half today. Still stalling on starting to paint kids room. Older boy said to just leave it. But I have the paint, just need to get it on the walls some how.

I have been so lonely. I am not used to this being by myself thing, being from a large family, there was no need to be alone. Even when I moved out of parents house it was with my brothers. At least I have the dog. He is not the best conversationalist though.

[vise82]

Hey,

W eamils me saying kids miss me and if I can look after them when she works late tonight. Saying kids would love it if I could.

Would you call that manipulation or what?

I emailed back saying I have to pick up some stuff for my house at that time, cant do it.

She also called last night I am sure about the same thing, She just left a message that kids wanted to call as I missed the call.

I tell you I have never been more detached then this right now. Moving out really helped with that.

[pinn]

Hey,

I tell you I have never been more detached then this right now. Moving out really helped with that.

Everyone fears the physical separation. But once it actually happens, it really is a good thing (compared to an in house separation ugh). keep it up Vise!

[vise82]

Hey so W has emailed me Twice today.

Once about a kids sport thing. That's fine.

Then another about fathers day. she is asking if I want to keep the kids with me on fathers day until its bed time. Normal would be drop off before noon. SO I guess that means she is not doing anything for me with the kids.

I have soccer at that time. Not sure what to say. I think I will think about it.

But kids are too young to do anything for me so that's why I thought she would step in for them. She is basically telling me I can have the kids during the day for fathers day and she will not be around.

her birthday is on wed. and I offered to take her out for dinner because the kids want to and I am helping them with her birthday gift.

This is where no expectations needs to be the rule.

I am kind of thinking of replying that we should just stay with the agreed kid exchange times, I will drop them off to you at 12:00 noon.

[roist]

Protect the floor. Get some extra brushes/rollers and start the room the next weekend you have your sons. Yes the job will be slower, messier and will need to be finished without them. But most boys would love the feeling of participating. Of course their attention span may only last half an hour but that is enough for them to feel involved in the new house and a great moment to be shared together.

Just an idea. Feel free to not go with it. It is not feasible for everyone.

I think you handled the requests well. However if it does suit you to have them and it is what you want, don't feel obliged not to come operate. I think this early in the S, it is best to stick as much as possible to the schedule.IIt creates stability for kids as they know where they will be and when. Plus W needs to see you are not automatically available.

Best wishes

[vise82]

Hey,

so yesterday, I emailed W to answer all her emails as she sent another email later in the day.

I had the babysitter over to help with the un packing and setting up the kids rooms and kitchen. So glad I did. I got so much done in the three hours she was there. Then she left and I lost all steam.

I am finding this out about myself, when with someone helping me I am happy to work and get things done. When alone I stall and stop and have a hard time to get started. Don't know how to change this.

She and her sister are going to help out today, then I have to leave them and let them work while I go to youngest soccer for an hour.

So far the kitchen is all unpacked and kids clothes are all sorted. Today they will focus on the toys and cleaning/organizing the kitchen.

I can see the house turn into a home now as boxes are getting unpacked.

W replied that her birthday dinner will be nice to have with a smiley face, so I need to make reservations for that.

[PsySara]

I feel such sadness when reading about your loneliness. I think one of the hardest things to deal with is being alone when you don't want to. I know DBing is about making a better and stronger self but companionship is a wonderful thing. IT's okay to feel lonely sometimes but if you find it's a pattern then force yourself out of the house and somewhere that will interact with others. Your soccer games are a wonderful opportunity to begin expanding your social circle.

[vise82]

Hey SadSara,

When I was feeling lonely I have been going to the groceries store. Needless to say I am fully stocked. I feel good about this seasons soccer, I have made more of an effort, I a can only expect to reap what I sow.

W has emailed me four times now all about kids and the sport they play and summer care. I don't get it I hold off of all kids stuff till I see her at kid exchange or sport events.

I decided to email her back now were talking about summer care.

[vise82]

Hey,

Had babysitter over to help set up the house, she set up the toy room while I left to watch youngest S4 play soccer.

Found a spot next to S7 to sit and then kicked the ball with him till game started. I stopped it to go watch S4 play his game and S7 was really bitter and mouthy to me. So I told him he cant talk to me like that and I wont ply with him if he talks to me so rude and calls me names.

He sits and watches between W and I. Then he starts up again and W starts correcting him. He gets worse and W corrects him more as he was calling her names and being rude to W.

He settled down long enough for the game to end. We pack up and I see W has a lot of stuff. I offer to take a bag, and she snaps back at me : no but you could talk to your son about his rudeness. He was talking back to me and you said nothing. then she storms ahead.

So no real contact for three days and we meet face to face and I get anger from her??

We get to the car then we finalize her birthday dinner plans, she is getting off work really early to get home and ready she said and might meet us early for dinner.

SO I leave and she takes the kids to her house after we said our good byes.

I get home and babysitter is done the toys and she helps with the dining room. I thank her as I really needed the help and she was on her way after I pay her. House is getting even closer to looking normal now.

The dog is having problems as the last couple of days now he has pooped on the floor. Not sure what is up with that, stress of the move? So I have had to deal with that.

After work I have to pick up kids help them get W a gift and card and meet her at the restaurant. I think I might offer to drive so that she can drink. Then after its S7 soccer. Then I have the boys until mid fathers day. So it will be a full night.

I was surprised to hear that she needs to get ready for the dinner, my first thought was she is not doing that for us, she must have plans after the dinner. But it is a work day. Then I thought its non of my business. Best not to think about it. Have the dinner live in the moment. Then its my time with the boys. She can do what ever she pleases.