Sandi is the pro around here, but I see nothing wrong with writing a letter, as long as it's CLEAR that you are only stating the things previously mentioned about the letter (accepting responsibility for your part). that's all the letter is, and it's almost an identical format that the "LRT Letter" is, which is recommended by DB coaches. (same story, different number of paragraphs).
HOWEVER, asking her out on a date is DEFINITELY PURSUANT BEHAVIOR! I'll have to agree with the rest, that this is a bad idea. If you think you know your sitch so much more than all us strangers do though, and you're 100% certain it provides a positive result... (tell me, what's a positive result? to get a date? ... errrr). anyways,
I'm not here to argue. My thoughts are: letter of accepting responsibility and NOTHING MORE = good idea... Asking on a date = bad idea. my 2 cents.
HOWEVER, asking her out on a date is DEFINITELY PURSUANT BEHAVIOR! I'll have to agree with the rest, that this is a bad idea.
Just to be clear I was not and do not intend to propose any dates with W at this point.
The only thing I was contemplating was letting her know about the upcoming Retrouvaille weekend in August. We attended a similar style weekend a few years ago and had a positive experience so she's familiar with the concept.
As for now I'll plan on the letter and see where that goes.
Me: 40 W: 45 T: 13, M: 11 1 D: 9
Suspect A 6/15 ILBINILWY 8/15, and 3/16 EA/PA Discovered 3/16 EA admitted 3/16 W Moved out 4/16 W opens R talk and says A over 1/17
PacLove -Write the letter - just don't give it to her. Getting all your thoughts in one place is a smart approach. Maybe in weeks, months or days you can give it to her. Chances are in weeks, months, days you will be feeling different. Write the letter - but hold on to it.
M:50 W:53 MR:20 D:21 S:17 S:11 BD-Sept 2015 Suspected PA Sept 2015-Confronted W & OM Dec 2015 Actually EA In house Sep:Jan/16-May 2016 W moved out:May 22 2016 OM-Intro Oct/17-On scene July/Aug 2017
Still thinking about the weekend... I've got options too keep myself busy but what I really want is to spend time with D on Sunday, we have a long tradition of doing special things on Father's day (1-1), this will be the first year we break that tradition.
Came across a biblical passage yesterday that I thought relevant to many of us on here:
"The Lord will fight for you, and you have only to keep still.” Exodus 14:14
Me: 40 W: 45 T: 13, M: 11 1 D: 9
Suspect A 6/15 ILBINILWY 8/15, and 3/16 EA/PA Discovered 3/16 EA admitted 3/16 W Moved out 4/16 W opens R talk and says A over 1/17
The only thing I was contemplating was letting her know about the upcoming Retrouvaille weekend in August.
I had purchased tickets for a band that my W and I both love, and had talking about seeing for SO LONG... together. When she started browsing through all our bank accounts, she noticed the almost $400 charges to ticketmaster and asked what they were. I blew it off and said "nothing." (at the time, all I wanted to do was tell her how I was planning a wonderful weekend away in a nearby city for us to spend together - as if it would've changed anything)... Instead, a few days later after she kept bugging me for what it was. I printed the tickets, left them on the counter and told her she can take a friend, or sell them herself, because I'd already made plans to be out of town with my brother instead(I hadn't, but I didn't want any pushback).
Originally Posted By: PacLove
As for now I'll plan on the letter and see where that goes.
This is great. I'm assuming you did the "worksheet" supplied by Reb, on 'how I hurt my W'? it was like 50 questions or so. I will say, that worksheet did a number on me at the time. I felt so ashamed of myself as I was working through the topics... It's a great exercise to learn about yourself, and your H/W, and provides a great outline for things you need to work on for your future.
The only thing I was contemplating was letting her know about the upcoming Retrouvaille weekend in August.
I had purchased tickets for a band that my W and I both love, and had talking about seeing for SO LONG... together. When she started browsing through all our bank accounts, she noticed the almost $400 charges to ticketmaster and asked what they were. I blew it off and said "nothing." (at the time, all I wanted to do was tell her how I was planning a wonderful weekend away in a nearby city for us to spend together - as if it would've changed anything)... Instead, a few days later after she kept bugging me for what it was. I printed the tickets, left them on the counter and told her she can take a friend, or sell them herself, because I'd already made plans to be out of town with my brother instead(I hadn't, but I didn't want any pushback).
Originally Posted By: PacLove
As for now I'll plan on the letter and see where that goes.
This is great. I'm assuming you did the "worksheet" supplied by Reb, on 'how I hurt my W'? it was like 50 questions or so. I will say, that worksheet did a number on me at the time. I felt so ashamed of myself as I was working through the topics... It's a great exercise to learn about yourself, and your H/W, and provides a great outline for things you need to work on for your future.
Yeah I did the worksheet and got it proofed by Reb.
Funny you mention a concert, we have tickets for a show coming up in Sept which we are supposed to go with another couple... I'll definitely be bowing out of that if things don't change by then.
I made a lot of stupid purchases in our 8 months of trying (August through March...) many of which I regret. I can't even bear myself to tell you what I did for her birthday... and I got the BD 5 days later.
Me: 40 W: 45 T: 13, M: 11 1 D: 9
Suspect A 6/15 ILBINILWY 8/15, and 3/16 EA/PA Discovered 3/16 EA admitted 3/16 W Moved out 4/16 W opens R talk and says A over 1/17
Letter was left on counter this morning and gone when I got home. W didn't mention it all - she was pleasant when I got home, left shortly after. She had a new "look", more and more I'm thinking this is a MLC....
Me: 40 W: 45 T: 13, M: 11 1 D: 9
Suspect A 6/15 ILBINILWY 8/15, and 3/16 EA/PA Discovered 3/16 EA admitted 3/16 W Moved out 4/16 W opens R talk and says A over 1/17
Letter was left on counter this morning and gone when I got home. W didn't mention it all - she was pleasant when I got home, left shortly after. She had a new "look", more and more I'm thinking this is a MLC....
Good, now you gave her the letter... What now? Nothing! I hope. Don't expect any reactions from her, don't expect things to change. etc. I know you've read the material offered on that site, so you know not to expect anything. Her "new look", might not be what you think... don't mind read. But you know these things. I hope you're good, and hope your letter is received well and softens her hardened heart a little bit, as he would say.
