Chapter 2, She moved out - I win! I think

[J5K]

bigybiz,

Hope you are doing well. Just checking in to see how things are in TO.

[SH_]

How is bigybiz doing this weekend?

[bigybiz]

JimKao:

Thanks for your post. I really appreciate it and sorry I've been dark for the past week or so. I've been busy - but also not at my best. The week started a little glum and I really hit a low point. I climbed out of it. I got refocused on what I was doing and now I'm ready to climb the next challenge.

[bigybiz]

Zues16:

Thanks for your post - you hit lots of good points. The one thing that hit me that was not here but on a post you put on another thread. You told someone that how could they expect their W to give up the addiction to their A and/or OM if they could not give up their addiction to the W. That hit the right note for me.

My W is addicted to her new career, her community both in person and online. I fought it and fought it. Now, that's all she has. She see's her kids two evenings a week and on Saturday.

I'm still so focused on her. You all know, I've made massive changes. Everyone - I mean everyone has noticed them especially the W. I'm very happy with myself, very confident, my kids are great, I am thrilled with many of the tangible benefits. And I know if she never came back - I'd still be happy with the results so far.

So now I need to give up this "addiction" to her.

I try and "thought stop", I pray a lot, I am so busy with many many things. The question is - will she eventually fade to the background or is there something I can do that will facilitate this?

I think the prevailing wisdom is - once you are totally detached and not interested in her coming back - that's when she MAY come back.

So let's see what happens. I'll continue on my path and try and inject both new and old tactics.

Thanks Zues16

[bigybiz]

A few developments, comments and realizations since my last post.

First - Good - everything in the house is great. The house is running fairly smooth. The kids's seem happy. Everyone is fed, the house is clean, I'm still killing the house projects, repairs, etc list. My youngest S10 - is doing great. He does not ever mention mom. Or he misses her etc, etc.

Second - Bad- My kids asked me to stop praying for W return to us. I'm not sure why or what. So I just don't pray for W during grace (before meals)

Third - Not sure - W has brought S10 home twice late. Instead of sending messages, or confronting her when they got here. I asked her for a meeting. We met at Starbucks, the next day. I told her about his new routine and how well it seems to be working. The I reiterated that he needs to be home at 9. No drama, no arguing, etc. She agreed. Well the next time - she brought him home late again. This time I did mention that he was late. No apology, excuses, etc from her.

I have no ideas what her motivations are and to be honest who cares. I think I will tell her on Saturday - that I will pick him up at her place at 8:50pm.

Is that reasonable or a good approach? I tried to include her, tried to show why it was important - but she ain't getting it and or is trying to bait me. What do you all think?

Fourth -Bad Still struggling with my addiction. I think about her all the time, I have fictitious conversations, etc , etc. I continue to "Thought Stop", Pray, try and find distractions, etc. Not sure if I'm getting better - I sure hope so

Fifth - Good - Referring to an earlier posts about my motivation for change, etc - sometimes I do it to get a reaction from her. When speaking with my Pastor - he mentioned that if she and I had issues about "control" that maybe doing task, behaviors, etc in hope of getting a response from her could be seen as controlling too. Wow. That was a punch in the teeth. Another great reason for ensuring changes are for me, family and not for her.

Sixth - Good - When meeting with W. She told me she is heart broken not being with her kid's. The fact she only see's them two evening and on Saturday. I did a good job at listening, I tried to validate. In the past I would have pursued and/or said well this what you want so too bad.

Seventh - Soon to be good. I realized that humility is something I need to work on. So I've been talking less, not "trying to help", I'm going to try and have a "lower" profile/not bring attention to myself. So I'm not posting on facebook, etc.

Eighth - Great. Still kicking A on the GAL. Very happy with so many things I'm doing, etc.

Ninth -Help - I'm dark with the W. No messages at all going back and forth. I try to be cool and quiet when I see her. I don't ask her about herself. I do need to instigate the conversations about the house, kids, etc. Let's see what happens next.

I think everyone is up to date.

I have a full day planned for Father's day. I'm making my kids enjoy the entire day with me doing everything - meals, bike riding, Church, movies, etc.

[bigybiz]

Help: She says she is going to move back in. She misses the kids and I pushed her out.

What should I do. Going back to in house would be awful.

[PacLove]

Would it be so awful? I would welcome the opportunity to have W back under the same roof. Can you put some conditions around her moving back in? Set some clear boundaries?

[J5K]

Yes definitely set boundaries.

[bigybiz]

Thanks everyone for the posts. I know that Sandi2 and others said that in house is not ideal and does not show lots of success in reconciliation. I think the idea is that the changes are slow and gradual - therefore, not visible.

Also, the space was good for my "letting go/detachment" and she goes back to cake eating. living in her house, being with the kids - but no marriage.

Sandi2, Cadet? Any thoughts. Help

[bigybiz]

Any ideas on boundaries?

Matthew