Almost 10 weeks since she said she didnt love me

[Natus]

2 weeks to go till she moves job.

Shes handed the letter to OM. She says things like shes sorry, and she knows its hard for me. Honestly though i dont think i have seen true remorse from her. Only remorse for getting caught.

Will need to see how thing play out in a couple of weeks.

[doodler]

Natus,

Regardless, it sounds like progress. I hope things continue getting better.

[sandi2]

I don't think you really grasp how the addition to the OM works. She can't feel remorse while she's still engaging at some level. She works with him, therefore, it's like she gets a hit every day. That is the purpose of having absolutely NC, no pictures, no social media........no seeing him across the parking lot...........no nothing.

For me, I was so low on being willing, that I had to reach the place of being willing just to get to the willingness. Can't get further down than that.

Remorse comes at different lengths of time for people. I think it depends upon a lot of factors involved. For me, I had to get completely through the withdrawals, stop thinking of what may have been, and essentially stop thinking about the OM. Then, I had to deal with the stuff I felt before OM ever came into the picture..........like all the resentment and disrespect. I had to let go of all of that, in order for the remorse to hit. You see, as long as I could blame my H and hold on to my anger........I wouldn't take responsibility for the hurt I had caused. Therefore, remorse didn't happen.

I won't tell you how long it took me, b/c it doesn't mean it will take your W that long. A woman can regret her actions, when she can obviously see part of the damaged results. However, a bad attitude can quickly rush in to rescue her from those fleeting moments of regret. I keep preaching to LBH'S how it is a process for the WW. Getting over her feelings for the OM, is just the first step. Many steps and much work from her is required.

When I was able to let go of the years of disappointment, unmet expectations, resentment, bitterness, fault finding, blaming, and most of all........the disrespect, then it came. My false pride was broken. The anger had lost. My heart was broken for what I had done to my H, our M, and my children. At last, I was able to go to my H with humility and ask for his for his forgiveness. That night, was the first night I went to sleep without all that bad stuff in my heart. Until I reached that point, I had no interest, no feelings, nothing for my MR. It was a long, slow process, but it can happen. She can have feelings for you again.

[Natus]

Thanks Sandhi. The thought is both scary and enlightening. While there is hope that there is light at the end of the tunnel, the tunnel itself is flooded and full of pitfalls.

I hope i have the strength to see it through. May i ask what your H did at that point? How did he have the patience and strength to endure the wait?

[sandi2]

I hope i have the strength to see it through. May i ask what your H did at that point? How did he have the patience and strength to endure the wait?

Well, my H has the patient of Job. I am the one who has none. .
I think his strength came through prayer.

Frankly, I was so self absorbed, until I don't remember seeing very much outwardly. When the sh't hit the fan, I saw his anger in a way I had never seen it. He is the nice-guy, even temperament, easy-going man. If you have ever read no more mr. nice guy, then you'll see a picture of my H. I definitely brought out his worst!

What vividly stands out in my mind, is the morning after he discovered OM. As usual, I was the one talking, and thought I was the one with the control. Just like every other WW, I told him that if we separated I hoped we would still be friends. He looked right into my eyes and sadly shook his head, and then I heard the words I will never forget. "If you leave, there will be no coming back home, and rest assured we will not be on the buddy-buddy system". He did not raise his voice. He did not speak in anger or show any other emotion. But he spoke with confidence and determination in his voice. I knew he meant every word. And, oh boy.......did it hit me. I had known him since I was 15. We got M when I was only 18. I could not imagine never seeing him again. I had imagined riding off into the sunset with OM, and coming home to visit my family........but never did it enter my arrogant mind that he would not want to keep a friendly relationship with me. He loved me!

You see, the WW is very egotistical. And, I actually thought that if I left, he would welcome me back with open arms......as his friend. I actually thought he would feel grateful just to get me as a friend! Can you believe the audacity in me?

It took me a while to figure it out. You see, it was not my H who showed up at the doors of the DB board. It was me! Which in itself, is highly unusual for a WW. I was very defensive to a lot of things people would say to me about what I needed to do in the MR. I would rattle off all the things wrong about my H and how he was doing nothing to change, etc. Their answer to me was, "But you are the one here, not your husband"! Oh, I would get angry and very frustrated. I was gripping about him and getting hit in the face by other LBS's. I felt as if he was getting off scott-free and all the work was on me........and I was the bad guy. I felt as if nobody understood me! (ha)

That is the way it is. We can't talk to the person who isn't here. My H did not have the DB tools that you get here. He is a very private man and did not talk about it to others. He is a devoted Christian and I believe his strength came from God. As far as him making big changes, the way we teach DBers, I didn't see anything like that. His health took a big plunge and has steadily gone downhill ever since.

If I had not been so depressed and could have shown some energy and interest in putting forth effort........I think he would have been thrilled and responded likewise. I had always been the one who managed the relationship. And he told me He wanted to see me put a 110% effort back into the MR (which made me really mad). I felt it had always been me putting a 110% into the MR, while he did nothing. Anyway, I couldn't do it right then, and he didn't understand the process I had to go through. I can't imagine how discouraged and hurt he must have been. He probably felt like giving up several times. Nobody comes out of a WW crises unscathed.

Many LBH'S have asked me what did my H do to get me back into the MR. Ahhhh.......but it was not my H who had the DB toolbox.

[Vanilla]

Natus

Breathe.

Look after you and detach.

You have your sandi box. Build your fort of stone.


Great guidance

V

[Natus]

Thanks again Sandhi and Vanilla.

I feel i am in a weird position that my W is choosing to stay but not choosing me. If that makes sense.

I think i have brought it up a few time that she is trying to act wifey. Like we spend most of our non-working time together, family dinners the whole works. We have been having dinner with her parents and family alot more too, like daily the past week.

Her contact with OM has dramatically decreased and she doesnt linger at office anymore. Im just waiting for her last day at work.

My connundrum is i am still acting husbandy too. I havent detach in the way of actions to my W.

Im just wondering if i need to pull back, be more mysterious, GAL by myself more or just continue doing what im doing. To be honest i like being with my son as much as i can and wherever he goes she will go.

[Vanilla]

Cake and eating it, my lovely.

RD sitch may be helpful.

As long as WW has contact OM the draw will be there.

You can't be 'husbandy' because all WW is doing is faux wifey. When WW shows intent to choose you as her H you are her H.

I think you have the gift of time. Stay in the MBR when she changes job agree a move back in date, if she doesn't it's ok and you know where you are. Agree date nights and times you will be together, lead on this.

The key is detachment, fine if she does and fine if she doesn't. That's key.

Let go of WW actions, words and thoughts driving your emotions.

That's letting go of WW driving you. Like being behind an out of control speedboat water skiing. Drive your own speedboat.

Detachment is like two tug of war combatants on each end of a rope over a snake pit trying to pull the other in. If one of them lets go then neither falls in the pit.

So let go, detach.

That's different from unattaching. You are attaching to you.

Move forward with your goals (not move on), let WW work her stuff, give her space, the door is open. If OM is in the background or a new OM then deal breaker? It is a boundary?

Observe.

I write about third position observer mode, an NLP strategy, my go to for detaching. If you wish to know more I can give you a link.

Your WW has to respect you, that's not being secretive (which seems passive aggressive and looks like game playing to me). Strong boundaries are direct and enforced, in the meanwhile get on with your life.

Great if she gets her stuff together and ok if she doesn't.

You are on hold until she changes job, ensure your boundaries are absolutely clear to her.

So what exactly are your boundaries?

V

[JksD]

Driveby hug.

Nothing to add since you're already receiving great advice from Sandi And V.

[Natus]

Ready for a plot twist.

She wants to separate after moving job.