Almost 10 weeks since she said she didnt love me

[Natus]

Well so much for my cautious optimism.

I did some high level snooping. Caught a conversation between her and OM. I reacted and called her out on it.

She's still trying to cover up her conversations, making it about work but i knew the truth and called her out on it. I wonder if shes intentionally doing it or is it the wayward brain re-writing everything to make them think they are innocent or not guilty.

In the process of getting her to come clean she admitted to looking him up on IG frequently.

Suffice to say after our R talk just two nights ago where she re-affirmed their NC i now feel like i've been betrayed again.

She just offered to stop being friends with him and will delete her IG app.

I am so numb and tired of playing nice. Can i let the darkness take over now?

[JksD]

(((Natus)))

I guess you'll have to go back to hardcore dbing.

What is your boundary wrt to NC with OM? If your W has made the offer to have NC, I won't call your actions snooping. I will call it trust but verify.

Is your W looking for a new job?

[doodler]

Natus,

I'm sorry; I know that's a huge let-down.

[Natus]

(((Natus)))

I guess you'll have to go back to hardcore dbing.

What is your boundary wrt to NC with OM? If your W has made the offer to have NC, I won't call your actions snooping. I will call it trust but verify.

Is your W looking for a new job?

I asked that they not even be friends. She maintains that she hadn't been speaking to him but just spilled that one time i decided to snoop. I'm having a hard time reconciling that.

Shes says shes not choosing anyone, that shes choosing herself but so far her actions make me feel otherwise. Maintaining "friendship" with OM, checking his Instagram daily behind my back. I told her actions speaks louder than words.

Im back to square one with trust now, she says im always looking for faults. Im hoping there are none to show.

She says she feels suffocating by my 'verfication'. I admit its pretty extensive. I have decided to to stop monitoring. More for me than her, its not helping me. Side effect she might feel less suffocated.

she says she will work on not being even friends with him. On account they still have to see each other in the office for next 3 weeks.

Funny thing i asked her about kissing me before going off to work, she said she felt obliged too. I told her i wont oblige her anymore.

Come morning shes waiting at the door to give me a kiss before work. I suppose that's something.

[sandi2]

Im back to square one with trust now, she says im always looking for faults. Im hoping there are none to show.

She says she feels suffocating by my 'verfication'. I admit its pretty extensive. I have decided to to stop monitoring. More for me than her, its not helping me. Side effect she might feel less suffocated.

That is WW b.s. She's trying to put the spotlight on you instead of herself.

she says she will work on not being even friends with him

Not good enough. She either is or isn't friends with OM. There is no "trying not to be friends". Was there a boundary in place about her contacting him, or being his friend? If so, what are the consequences for not honoring your boundaries?

Did you set up a transparency plan?

Don't go the extreme opposite direction and stick you head in the sand.

[Natus]

Im back to square one with trust now, she says im always looking for faults. Im hoping there are none to show.

She says she feels suffocating by my 'verfication'. I admit its pretty extensive. I have decided to to stop monitoring. More for me than her, its not helping me. Side effect she might feel less suffocated.

That is WW b.s. She's trying to put the spotlight on you instead of herself.

I agree that she did try to put the spotlight on me. I did turn it back to her. We made a "deal' of sorts, that i would give her some breathing space in return she has to write a letter to OM to end any friendship completely.

she says she will work on not being even friends with him

Not good enough. She either is or isn't friends with OM. There is no "trying not to be friends". Was there a boundary in place about her contacting him, or being his friend? If so, what are the consequences for not honoring your boundaries?

Im ashamed to admit this but i was walking out the door with a baseball bat in hand to make sure the OM got the message. She chased me to the door and tried to explain that she was just maintaining civility in the office. I called bull**** and told her sharing things that we discussed as h and W to him is not maintaining office civility.

Did you set up a transparency plan?

Don't go the extreme opposite direction and stick you head in the sand.

I asked for no friendship, no sharing of anything information or otherwise. She still needs to write the letter to OM which i will read before handing it to him. She's deleted her social media from her phone, as well as unlocked her phone. No passwords.

She doesnt get in office early and will text / send me pic who is in office if she needs to stay back but has been leaving office on the dot.

Definately agree i shouldnt stick my head in the sand. But how do i verify without becoming a stalker/

[Natus]

Part of my problem is the snooping / verification ends up getting me worked up.

Its making it very difficult for me to be a lighthouse.

[TxHubby]

Interestingly enough yes, she has gone NC with OM but in her head its only temporary. I know that for sure cause i hear her discuss it on the phone with a GF.

He's her boss? Expose the A to the company. That'll be the end of that....and his job.

[TxHubby]

That whole "not choosing anyone" implying they want to be alone to figure things out is complete and utter bullsh*t. That's a textbook lie that cheating spouses tell their betrayed spouse. Translated it means "I want to pursue something with someone else but I'd like you to stick around as my plan B in case that doesn't work out." You seem like you have too much self-respect to put up with such things so I suggest you don't.

[roist]

If you found nothing, maybe the snooping would not affect you as much. It is affecting you because there is still contact. Snooping can be useful to know what you are up against, but you need to be in control of it.

If every time she gets a text message and you NEED to know who it was and what was said,then it is a problem, half of which is in your head. If you are checking to verify the truth, that can be helpful.

Part of being the lighthouse is not worrying about how WAW views the lighthouse. A lighthouse just is and does not change in function of an observer.