My wife walked out 2

[RSG]

Thanks Sandi, that's a big help.
She's recognized her selfishness, or at least that she believes that's what I think. She definitely does not behave nor make decisions like the woman I married. And, you're absolutely correct. Her emotions are even weirder than mine.

I'm trying not to trust her words, and her actions are still nuts. She's not going to start D proceedings, she can't afford a lawyer and whenever it comes up she asks me about how it works. I think she's still looking at me as plan B, which turns me off so very much.

I'm def sticking with the DB method. This group has helped me immensely. I'm just trying to join a support group for emotinoal support, and to physically talk it out with people going through similar situations.

Thanks again Sandi. WW keeps having to convince herself her actions are right. It's really getting difficult not to just give up on the M myself....

[sandi2]

JMHO, about you validating her, when it is face to face and she makes a remark about the situation........like when she said, "It's weird".........you don't have to say anything in response. In fact, I would say to just look at her (so she knows you heard her), and not say anything. Why? B/c this is what she wanted! B/c you do not agree with it! It's not alright. Not that you should say something punitive, and not that you need to let her know you don't agree.

Be sure you understand what validation is.....and what it isn't. For example, validation is not sympathizing. I believe men, in particularly, dealing with a wayward needs to be careful that he does not sound as if he is petting or comforting her when she is experiencing the fallout of her own destruction. I think some men do this, hoping he will score some brownie points with her.........but he doesn't. He shouldn't go the other direction, either, by showing anger, judging, or whatever. He needs to allow her to feel what has happened due to her wayward decisions, and not try to make her feel like it's alright. Does that make sense, when thinking about validation? There is a cheat sheet, I'm sure everyone has seen. It helps to give a variety of answers.

I may sound hard or cold, but I am saying there are times the WW needs to hear the echo of her own words! Don't sugar coat her, and call it validation. She has to experience the results and the reality of her decisions. Sometimes that is not easy when you still love her very much. I think H's make the mistake of trying to smooth her feelings, thinking that is validation.......but it's not. Validation is not being a cheerleader and not even agreeing with the other person. It's not trying to fix their problem or tell them what they need to do. It's letting them know that you heard what they said. Sometimes a nod of the head signals you are listening. Looking directly into their eyes, shows you are listening. Women (of all walks of life.......and in bad or good MR's.......want to be heard).

Be careful. Many times she will say something that's a potential trap for the H.....and it's just better that he says nothing.

Well, I'm not Miss Sunshine, but I hope this helps someone.

[RSG]

Thank you. Again. You're right, when she breaks down I don't need to say anything. I should've kept that in my head anyway.

As for validating, I think I'm doing pretty well with it. I Don't expect any thank yous or anything, and hope she sees what things will look like down the road. I feel like she's just staring at tomorrow, and trying to live in the EXACT moment. It really hasn't fully hit home for her.

I need to do more non-verbal validation I think.

You may not be Miss Sunshine, but you're helping me.
Thank you.
Too bad you can't grab her by the arms, shake her and say WAKE UP! She needs it, pretty badly.....

[srt]

Hi sandi, great reply above, it really helps me too clarify that I'm doing all I can do and W just needs to figure this out by herself!

[RSG]

Well. Today didn't go quite like I hoped. The people were nice enough. Had a few beers after work, watched the Braves actually win a game, had a pleasant conversation. Unfortunately, everything under the surface started to bubble up. Too many things reminded me of her, and I lost if after I left.

Had a nice talk with my Mom afterwards though. This doesn't happen often, but sometimes I just need a pep talk. Mom actually told me what you guys say a lot, gave a lot of encouragement and reiterated to focus on me and my son. I do, when he's here. It's just so hard for me when he's gone. I feel so alone and empty without him, and her, around the house. All you can do is survive right? And once this is over, I'll know I can survive anything.

Thanks DB Fam for all your positivity. It's like an Oasis in the desert sometimes to be honest.....

[Coconut]

RSG, don't get discouraged about the night out, it will both get easier and more fun, just keep doing stuff.

[RSG]

Thanks, I will. Wanted to go to the Divorce group Saturday, but I'll have the little guy then.

Just talked to my cousin on the phone for about an hour. He went through a divorce a few years ago. It helped, but boy was it scary.

[RSG]

So, today I Facetimed this morning to say good morning to S. He was happy and loving it, and W was cordial. Traffic caused her commute to be 90 minutes (if she were still at home where she belongs it would've been 30!) which surely made S restless.

We've texted through the day about him, he's not doing well at camp. She kept coming to me for emotional support (ie I can't do this, I'm going to quit), and finally I said I'm not comfortable with that and talk of being friends. She said fine, I don't need it I just need parental support. She's having a really rough week, but it's her doing for the most part. Maybe this is me detaching? I don't know. I do know that her actions are consistent with the pod that has taken over my WW. She'll apologize for being ugly the next time I see her in person, though I'm sure.

[RSG]

Well, she hasn't formally apologized but last night on Facetime she was giving me smiles and was very agreeable to my requests for pictures of S. She acted like she didn't want to stop talking, but S had to get to bed. She also apologized in advance because today she's really busy at work, and said "see you then" in relation to my picking him up this afternoon.

I think I am detaching. I'm coming to realize this isn't MY doing at all, but hers. Sure, I had some issues I needed to work on, but they were normal relationship things that could be solved. I can't make her see the forest for the trees, but one day she will. I just wonder how long it'll take, and how I'll feel at that moment about her. She'll always have a part of me, but how long until I start to give up?????

[RSG]

Weird ways of the WW.

As I mentioned in another thread. WW took S to the lake yesterday. I picked him up from camp. Red face, but he was outside a lot today so I thought ok no big deal. Then I get home and take his shirt off. His back looks like he was outside for 6 hours without sunblock. I told WW this was unacceptable, she needs to get some decent sunblock and put a bunch on him. Especially when he's out during the worst times of day for sun. She says she's sorry and will get sunblock. I put aloe on him tonight.

That was bad and out of character. Then, she forgets to call him to say goodnight again. About 20 minutes after he falls asleep, I text her and say "S was asking about you before he went down." She said sorry, I fell asleep. She answered my text right away. I then told her his back looked as red as the teddy bear he loves. She said I already told you I feel bad, I'm going back to sleep I'm exhausted.

WW very out of character. If she IS sleeping as much as she says she is, it's a sign of depression. Cadet mentioned this when I first posted, but I put it in the back of my mind when I found out she was cheating. If she's lying, then she's ignoring her son and being a complete jerk.

I don't know which I'd prefer. Both are terrible. At least if it were depression, it would be temporary and could be worked on. I guess....